


House of the Rising Sun

by ShannynFaucheux



Series: House of the Rising Sun [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abuse, BDSM, Crying, Dark, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Oh My God, Panic Attacks, Prostitution, Psychological Thriller, Sad, Shibari, Shizuo is in the story don't worry, Storyline, Swearing, Underage Prostitution, Underage Sex, hurt izaya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-03-23 22:54:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 46,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShannynFaucheux/pseuds/ShannynFaucheux
Summary: ...Before hanging up, his captor said three words. Those three words were going to haunt Izaya mercilessly throughout his life. No. Those three words made Izaya the man he is today ;-‘’ Remember, …information is power. ‘’The untold story of Izaya Orihara. This first part will contain his past and the second series will take place in present time. Changes will be made. Please beware of the tags and enjoy.





	1. Epiloque of a New Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, the chapters get better and longer as the story goes on :)

                                                                                          House of the Rising Sun

 

Ch 1 : Epiloque of a New Beginning

 

Rising sun slowly lit the room into a faint sunrise as the sixteen year old boy pushed down the zipper of a Prussian blue suitcase to close it.  
‘’-Huh.. that was hard.’’ He mumbled. Trying to catch his breath, he turned to face his seven-year-old twin sisters. A shaky smile crept upon his fleshy lips while he said;  
‘’- We’re going.’’

  
Hearing the epilogue of their new beginning , twins looked at each other, and the shorter one faintheartedly asked if they were going to see their father.

‘’-No.’’ The boy quickly said and took the heavy suitcase down from the bed. As he did so, the dreamlike atmosphere of the room changed into a more courageous one.

  
Yes, he was going to run away from all the unspeakable things that he was forced to experience..  
Yes, he was going to make it somehow.  
And no, he wasn’t going to let any of it happen to his sisters.

  
The sixteen-year-old boy straighened his back, with his sisters alongside him, he closed the door of their house of the rising sun.


	2. Ikebukuro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing is still tense in the beginning of this chapter but it gets better. I might write the next chapter tonight.

Ch 2 : Ikebukuro

Escaping from a town that God probably has forgotten about, to a big city called ‘Ikebukuro’ wasn't easy. Still, the sixteen year old Izaya Orihara managed to rent an apartment that had two bedrooms using both half-legal and illegal paperwork. It was obvious to him from the beginning that his biggest problem was going to be money. But the rush? He didn’t expected that.

  
About money, getting a legal job was a ‘fata morgana’. It wasn’t going to happen. That left Izaya with one other choice;

Almost every night for a week, Izaya put his sisters to sleep and went wondering into the underground to find some kind of a money source. He made appereances for people who might give him a drug-trading kind of job. Anything to put food on the table.

But it did not work. He had to make a name for himself. No one was going to give him a job that could put people on the line. To get a job, you had to be raised inside the Yakuza, where strangers weren’t easily allowed in.

 

  
It was night in Ikebukuro and the cold was cruel on Izaya’s skin.

  
He made his way to the street where prostitutes from all over the world hunted for some cash. They were male, female, somewhere between , even. This was his route back home, back home to his sisters. But instead, he found a deserted streetlight and rested his back alongside it, just to consider his situation a bit. He didn’t really expected a car –a really luxurious one- coming and pulling up beside him. But still, he tried not to lose his cool when the car’s glass moved down and a man –in his middle thirties- eyed him almost hungrily:

\- ‘’ Are you doing S&M work ?’’ The man asked with an accented Japanese. He sounded Chinese. Izaya’s eyes met with his and the word fell randomly from his sinless mouth:

\- ‘’ Wh- What?’’

On boy’s almost startled response the man just smiled and started doing something in the car. Izaya couldn't see what was going on because of the dark. But when the man held over a cigarette to him, his limbs moved unconsciously and he took the cigarette with his cold and slightly trembling hand.

  
‘’-Call me if you decide to have some fun, cute boy.’’ The Chinese man drove away after that. And Izaya’s brain then processed the numbers written on the cigarette. He looked around and slowly put the cigarette in his pocket. Just before he started to walk, an high-pitched voice filled his ears:

  
‘’-Honey you have no idea how lucky you are ‘’

Startled, he turned around to see a stranger walking towards to him. The man was limping and slurred the words while speaking.

  
‘’-What do you mean? ‘’ Izaya asked with his most mature manner. The man stood beside Izaya like he was waiting a bus and grinned.

  
‘’-You know the man in the posh car, kawaii-kun.’’ He wobbled around and held onto the streetlight. ‘’-He is one of the top guys in Chinese-Japanese yakuza. Man I didn’t even know he was into boys.’’ He cast an eye on Izaya with antipathy. That made Izaya slighly uncomfortable , but he still listened.  
‘’-But since you look like a woman.. I don’t know ‘’ He was high. That, Izaya could tell. The man slumped down under the streetlight and fell asleep right there. Or maybe he was dead. Who knows.

  
Izaya silently thanked for the information and quickly walked away from the man. He felt the cigarette on the tip of his finger. _No, he couldn’t do this_. He wet his dry lips and pulled the hood of his jacket onto his head. Sadness shimmered in his ruby eyes. But his tears were quickly dried by the strong wind of Ikebukuro. _He was supposed to get away from the pain._

  
_NO! This wasn’t supposed to happen._

  
**_But it happened._ **

  
A week later, he had to make a choice; he was either going to make that phone call, or they were going to starve.  
With trembling hands he lit the cigarette and dialed the phone number:

  
\- ‘’ Yes ? ‘’  
\- ‘’ I-um.. You gave me this phone number a week ago and uh-‘’ He tried to sound cute and smiled when speaking; both to impress and prevent his voice from cracking.  
\- ‘’ Oh, you’re that cute boy aren’t you..’’  
Izaya swallowed the fluid that was climbing upwards inside his throat down and dropped a tear onto the light brown table:  
\- ‘’Yes, sir’’  
\- ‘’ Alright. How can I help you then ?’’


	3. Butterflies that appear in the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be Butterflies that appear in the night pt.2 and it will be pure smut. I will be writing it today while I am at school and doing nothing particular. I wanted to cut it out to the next chapter so that I can give the reader to skip it out if they don't want/feel like reading smut. I spent 7 hours on this and haven't checked for mistakes but yea. I am enjoying it so..

Ch 3: Broken

(…)

‘’-Well, if you don’t want me to pick you up from home, come to the street from a week ago, alright?. See you then. ‘’ His first client hung up after that. Without putting down the phone , Izaya clutched his chest and breathed _hard._ He covered his mouth with his hand to avoid any agony breaking away into his sister’s ears. _Mairu is a light sleeper._ Tears filled his vision and he squeezed his eyes shut.

 _His name is Li. In his middle thirties, Chinese. A top guy in Chinese-Japanese mafia._ Information seeped into his brain mercilessly. _You’re going to meet him Wednesday night. Tomorrow is Tuesday. So you have one day to prepare yourself._ His whole body shook with terror. He was afraid and completely lost.

_You can’t mess anything up._

He stopped.

 And everything stopped with him. Space, time, place…these were uneeded. He just had to look into his brain to find relief, and a way out. He opened his eyes.

_I can’t mess anything up._

I am NOT going back to that house, so I will NOT mess anything up.

He then spent the entire Tuesday making himself hairless.

 

Ch 3.1 : Li

Izaya pulled the zipper of  his ruby red backpack. He had everything he may need; an extra pair of underwear, condoms in different sizes, a will to live…

_I can’t—will not mess anything up._

And so, he carefully closed the door and started walking towards the harlotry street of Ikebukuro. With every step, his presence became more and more alarmed. At some point, poorly painted walls were getting at him and the darkness of the street, of the road he was about to walk was choking him. He arrived his destination ten minutes earlier because after a while he started running.

The familiar yellow of the streetlight was a home for couple of fireflies and butterflies that appear in the night.

Thanks to all that running, Izaya was out of breath as he crouched down under the streetlight. Using the back of his hand, he wiped out the tears and sweat that has piled up on his face. Then he started waiting.

\--

Approximately ten minutes later, that same expensive car from a week ago pulled up beside him. Seeing it coming, now relatively calm Izaya stood up and smiled shyly. Doing so, his teeth were clenched, his body was heavy like a stone but he wasn’t aware any of it. He fiddled with the zip of his jacket while the car’s glasses moved down and Li , with his showy indigo blue suit, gestured towards the passenger side of the car and said;

‘’-Hop in.’’

 

Ch 3.2 : Butterflies that appear in the night

They stopped in front of an hotel that just wasn’t a regular 24hrs open love hotel . The building itself, with its splendid architecture, made Izaya go wide-eyed. He realised how oblivious he has been towards this side of Ikebukuro. With shining eyes, Izaya silently followed Li until they entered a king room, and Izaya was mesmerised.

The room’s interior theme was gold and mahogany. It was spacious and glowing. There were pearls carved into the columns of the king-sized bed…

Izaya gulped a few times and took some non-oriented steps into the room until Li’s hand met with his.

‘’-Please sit there ‘’ Li gestured the king-sized bed with his free hand. Izaya obeyed without hesitation and with his heart at his mouth, he sat down onto the rose-gold bedding like a lifeless doll. Li then walked across the room and began to prepare a drink for two. Izaya carefully put down his backpack onto the side of the bed and stretched his other hand out in the bedding like he was a blindman looking for light. It then occured to him that he _couldn’t mess anything up_ and then the realisation of his situation dawned on him like a scene from an horror movie.

He knew what was going to happen, and he knew what Li _wanted_. But foreseeing it wasn’t going to erase the fact that he never actually did it. A mixture of fear and despair settled into his being. He was brought back to this world only when Li came towards him and held out a yellow wine glass and a white pill. Izaya took them both but his hesitation was obvious. What was this drug? Li put his hand on young boy’s cheek and lifted his chin up. He examined the boy’s features thoroughly; his lips were so plump to the point where he could shook an esthetician. His cheekbones looked like they were carved out by Michelangelo and his un-Japanese like skin colour was making this sculptural creature look more and more heavenly. But his eyes..

In his thirty-six year old lifetime, Li hasn’t seen anything like it. The boy’s eyes had the colour of cognac,  colour of the darkest sins and colour of fear. Of devil, even.

 _‘’-Which heaven were you exiled from? ‘’_ Li whispered in Chinese. Then he turned away to end this witchcraft and to pull himself out of Izaya’s ravishing eyes. After taking a sip from his own drink, Li managed to pull his Japanese together;

‘’-The pill will relax you, you’re too tense. It’s nothing harmful. ‘’

 _He examined me like I was a piece of art._ Izaya was baffled a bit, then he thought;

 _‘ Go ride or go home ‘_ So he swallowed the pill with a sip of expensive white wine.


	4. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well , unlike planned I cut the story again and the actual smut part begins in Ch 4.1: Purification Ceremony down below. This chapter has 3 parts. I suggest you reading the smut part too because that is where my talent *ahaha* shows itself. I will proof read this sometime today.
> 
>  
> 
> Notes : 3000000 yen = 2802 U.S dollars.

Ch 4 : Butterflies that appear in the night pt.2

A smile of approval spread across Li’s face as Izaya swallowed the pill. He muttered a ‘’good boy’’  with a voice that he thought only he could hear but Izaya heard it too. Complex emotions were written on boy’s face and Li wasn’t fast enough to solve them all as they appeared and went into abyss with a metaphysical speed. So instead, Li refreshed his drink, then faced Izaya and said;

‘’-Now let’s start’’. After that he put the polite language aside and straight out ordered:

‘'-Take off your clothes.’’ But still he was careful of not intimidating this fallen creature. So he kept his tone far from angry.

On Li’s order, Izaya put his half-finished drink onto the drawer next to bed and started stripping obediently.

First, his jacket came off, then his green long-sleeve top. Izaya took his time both for the sake of  seduction and for his sanity. _He felt Li’s eyes on him. Following him, on his every move, every glimpse, every breath._

When the last piece of clothing he had on was thrown beside his lazily lying backpack, Izaya’s milky skin was revealed infinitely. _Now he was this astral creature in front of Li’s eyes. He was the god of sun_. But—.

 

Then he saw them, he saw the aftermark of every punishment Izaya had to endure until he left home. He saw through his past, _he saw how he fell down from the heaven._ He saw his scars.

On his chest, faint pink streams were pouring down into his heart.

_How ?_

_Who would lay a belt on this boy’s skin._

_Who would dare!_

Li put his glass down and slowly walked towards Izaya. No, his eyes weren’t lying; there were defamotry  scars on the boy’s chest and back. Li brushed Izaya’s cheek with his thumb and waited. Izaya understood and faintheartedly entwined their hands together and looked up to meet Li’s eyes. Then the words poured themselves;

‘’-My father…did them. ’’

 

Ch 4.1: Purification Ceremony

 

‘’-I see. ‘’ Li’s voice was devoid of any emotion as he bent down and pressed their lips together. He kissed and toyed with Izaya’s lips till they were wet.

‘’-It’s not a problem’’ Li said and pulled the first drawer next to them and took out a piece of rope. Fear, desire and the intoxicating smell of white wine filled the room. There was something climbing upwards Izaya’s throat. He just couldn’t name it yet.

‘’-Sit on your knees ‘’ Li ordered and Izaya did so _._ With his skillful hands , Li first made a knot around Izaya’s throat then tied his hands from his back – making an oblong shape -  with the rest of the rope. Then his left hand traveled on Izaya’s thighs while he nibbled on boy's swan-like neck. He lightly brushed the other’s manhood. Izaya’s world started to spin, he gulped dryly and his eyes desperately searched for something to hold on to. Then he felt Li’s warm breath near his ears;

‘’-How does it feel? ‘’ Li asked quietly.

At that second, Izaya struggled so much for words, he blinked a few times while trying to keep a steady breathing. He heard the sounds of Li stripping down behind his tied back;

 ‘’-I…I don’t—.’’ His upper lip trembled. He tried to adjust to this new sensation. _Everything felt hazy._

Li stopped right in front of him. Izaya clearly saw the tattoos on Li’s torso. He tried to keep an eye contact when Li took his head between his steady hands and admired  his work. _His heart could rip itself out of his chest._

He was scared.

Li brushed away the few locks of hair that were covering Izaya’s left eye. ‘’-..It’s just the effect of the drug. ‘’ He said and trapped their lips together.

Then he spoke in Chinese as he rested Izaya’s head onto the rose-gold pillow and made him raise his bottom up in the air. A tear strayed around Izaya’s face and made it’s way onto the satin pillow. _Is he praying ? He wondered to himself._ As his perception of the world deteriorated without mercy, Li’s words were incompherensible to Izaya.

He felt the cooling liquid make it’s way down; starting from his oblique bone to his open rear and onto the sheets.

 Izaya was lost in the sound of his own breathing, as Li carefully placed his slicked finger in and began stretching him. He needlessly panicked and felt his neck hurting as Li put his second finger in.

Tears started to pour like an abandoned stream when the third finger was thrusted in. No, It wasn’t because it hurt, it really didn’t. Li was gentle, and nothing hurt. He just wasn’t familiar with the feeling. He didn’t know what to feel when nothing hurt him. Oh he was so lost.

 _Illusory images of butterflies under the yellow streetlight, the candle, the hand.._ Izaya felt a hand brushing away his spilling tears;

‘’-I will be gentle. ‘’ _Images flitted around._ A caress to the top of his brow bone.

Izaya gasped and held his whimper in his throat when Li started putting his arousal in. Guttural sounds were heard from both. Izaya slowly bit his lower lip as Li forced the pace while still being careful;

‘’-Does it feel good? ‘’ Li asked. Izaya tasted a salty tear on the top of his lip. _I should.._

 _I can’t mess this up._ His subconscious took over the control;

‘’-Yes’’. He let his whimper out. Li’s face tensed with pleasure as he started to ride him. ‘’-Yes ‘’ Izaya exhaled again, breathing harshly with every stroke.

‘’-Thank you ‘’ Izaya moaned, his whispery voice intoned with Li’s guttural one. Li almost lost their paces on that ‘thank you’. He shuddered with ecstasy.

_He chained the fallen creature to the earth forever.._

Ch 4.2 : Losing a piece of you

 

When the storm passed, Li quickly untied Izaya, who was on the verge of fainting any second now, and gently laid him down onto the silky sheets. Then he covered his exposed body and whispered into his ear while drying the endless tears on boy’s face;

‘’-You were good, beautiful..’’ Then let him sleep. After that , Li quickly showered and dressed. Before leaving the hotel room, he left 3000000 yen on the drawer next to bed.

 

* * *

 

Izaya woke up at 6 in the morning. Disheveled from soul to hair, he cursed after seeing the clock. _His sisters will be up in any second_. On his way to the hotel’s luxurious bathroom, he stumbled and almost fell. Another curse.

He threw up the remainings of last night with pain all over his body. Then got into the shower.

 

* * *

 

 

He looked at his reflection on the bathroom mirror with disgust. But then his angry and stiff expression changed abruptly; he started sobbing pathetically with both his hands wrapped around his face.

_He felt hideous._

_Hideous , disgusting , revolting , awful ,_ broken.

 

Something inside him broke that day.

And he never knew what it was,

Until _he_ showed him. _His sun in the cloudy air._

Heiwajima Shizuo.

 

 


	5. Blood Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo It's your girl Shannyn. So about this chapter I have to say It's kind of dull in the first part but it gets better. The next chapter will bring some action and maybe introduce our bad character. 
> 
>  
> 
> Notes; Kanji : Essential Japanese alphabet.
> 
> Kazuki Tomokawa : He is an amazing singer and I suggest you to listen to 'Pistol' and ' Circus'. I don't own his lyrics but I used them in this story as you can see down below. 
> 
> Shibari : A bondage play but more artistic I guess ? Check it out.
> 
> Obi : The belt on Kimono

 

Ch 5 : After

 Izaya had silent couple of days after that day.

Thursday morning before returning home, he shopped from the convenience store across the street with the money he earned rather indecently the night before. He prepeared his sisters a nice breakfast, then watched the morning-hour-animes with them. In the afternoon he taught them some pre-school kanji’s since they weren’t going to school and he himself studied Physics with his old textbook. The next day was the same except they went out and ate ice-cream.

Izaya acted like a couple-hundred-years old sycamore tree in front of his sisters; _Mighty and sophisticated._ And his sisters also saw him as this brave and undefeatable hero even after they began to understand what was happening to him.

 

 _But the nights…nights were hard._ When everything became silent, his brain filled itself with gratuitous thoughts. He often treated them like chess pieces; he played with them until they were content.

Or sometimes he would listen to music. He often found relief in the lyrics Kazuki Tomokawa screamed like he gave no importence to the world;

 

‘’ _Loneliness, kindness and suffering,_

_The painful melodrama of this world…_

_It’s not like It’s a slaughter house._

_Hippies, street kids , beggar kids,_

_Dabbling in the ecstasy of grief_

_It’s not like you’re a cripple…’’_

Shah has fallen down. He had no other choice. He accepted the fact just like he accepted Li’s invitation for a second time.

 _He had no other choice._ Not at this point.

 

_The sea of melancholy swallowed him as he dove into unconsciousness._

 

Ch 5.1 : The Red Dragon

‘’-I will be organising a gathering for the bosses around Ikebukuro area in a couple of days. What I want to ask from you is… Would you be willing to perform as a Shibari performer for the.. you know _entertainment_ part of the night? I am ready to pay for your services generously, Izaya. ‘’

Without cutting the eye-contact with his hirer, Izaya blinked few times while gathering the data in. He smiled lightly and spoke in a soft tone;

‘’- I-um.. actually would feel less pressured to answer, if you could untie me, Li-san ‘’ Lovability danced around his features while saying these.

‘’-Oh, right. My fault. ‘’ Li quickly untied the red ropes around Izaya’s delicate wrists.

‘’-It’s nothing. ‘’ Now freed from his restraints, Izaya rubbed his sore wrists and sat up on the bed.  He ignored his nakedness and the vicious wetness between his legs. Before meeting with the other’s eyes that were glancing at him with expectancy, Izaya shot a few nervous looks around him;

‘’-Could you give me some detail on your offer Li-san ? ‘’  Izaya always smiled graciously when talking to Li.

‘’ -Yes, of course ‘’

 

Ch 5.2 : Musk

In the end, he accepted the job. How was he even suppose to turn down a Yakuza boss anyway?

Two days later he was in a kimono that was flame red and had gold embroiders that stood infinitely opulent on it.  The ‘obi’ of the clothing was untraditionally thin and made the kimono look more epicene. It wasn’t heavy and hung gratuitously on Izaya like it was made of air. Izaya slowly walked down the never ending halls of the underground…

_He was either a lifeless doll or a mere soul._

 

_He still keeps the kimono in his wardrobe._

 

Entering, first he felt the heavily and heavenly power that filled the wide room. Then watched as the smell of musk and incense became one in harmony with the smell of cigarettes and cigars.

_Black and red interior of the room, and the ancient soul of celestial music…_

There were eleven people in that room. Eight of them being the ‘bosses’ and the rest were young prostitutes that dressed up like Geishas.

Some of the bosses in the room weren’t even into boys, some of them liked both sides..But _all of them_ were mesmerized with Izaya’s presence that day.

The Shibari master also was perfection in human form. Everything went smoothly for Izaya and bosses were pleased.

After one and a half hour, the left side of the top of Izaya's kimono was slightly hanging downwards; making an humble amount of his skin showing. But Izaya didn’t seem to mind it and left it as it is as he saluted his exclusive crowd appropriately. His white teeth stood out perfectly when he smiled and saw the amazed look on Li’s face. _He was exhausted and his bones ached._

 

_But he was paid well; just like Li promised._


	6. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoroshiku ne? : Nice to meet you. *in casual form*
> 
> So this chapter was supposed to be up in Tuesday but when I saw that comment asking me to not to drop this story off, I was motivated to write it now. I haven't proof read it yet. I had an exam that left my brain burning so I will proof-read it later. 
> 
> Couple of days ago I read some of the William S. Burroughs's work and I was fascinated. So you will see some changes and maybe improvements in my writing but I am not sure. I would like to hear feedback though.

Ch 6 : Circles

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Do you happen to know, dear reader, about certain products that were advertised with seizure-inducing pink and purple lights on TV? -Mostly in 80’s-. Those things were usually just gimmicks, but with all that polishing  and colour, they looked fakely _thrilling._

Izaya felt like one of them.

After his little ‘act’ that night, Izaya got new ‘bids’ and offers from various Chinese topguys. They demanded sex, lust, and mostly one-hour-of-self-denial. Izaya could write any amount of money on his invisible price tag; they were always willing to pay it.

Why was this interest? _Besides them being just a bunch of pedophiles of course._ Izaya couldn’t give any reason, he felt useless his whole life, but he once understood the reason for it; it was because his father actually _screamed_ the word in his ears countless of times. But now he wasn’t _made_ to feel useless, he just felt _it_ , deep in his damaged heart, and mostly at nights.

Was the interest was there because he looked effeminate? That high-as-a-kite guy told him that he ‘’looked like a woman’’, about a month ago.

A month ago… _and at least fifteen nights were spent in agony and sin after his first encounter with Li._

But after the gathering, Li never called again. Izaya knew he was impressed that night, he knew because the amount of zeros on his ‘paycheck’ was quite unbelievable.

But... _why?_

_That’s why he felt like a cheap product from 80’s commercials._

 

He was looking for something. Something that could relieve the tightness of his chest when he cleaned himself off from the nights of shame; something, an explanation, maybe a meaning. _Something._

He picked up smoking, but after a week he listened to his sister’s complaints about the smell and stopped. One night, when everything was silent and when he was in his own bed, wetting his pillow with soulful tears, he begged;

‘’-Oh god… I.. don’t even know if you’re there, hell, I don’t even know if you exist but just.. I can’t.. I can’t. Help me , please ‘’

_Help me._

 

 

* * *

Ch 6.1 : Something

_It was yet another night of disgrace;_

Izaya walked. He walked past the fancy cars and neon lights, ignored the catcallings of the transvestites and refused to look back and yell when a random guy touched his backside. He ignored his wheezing breath and exhausted legs. He blinked away his blurry sight and clutched his backpack tightly. He walked.

It was a long road and it was a stupid idea to walk home instead of calling a taxi –regardless of how expensive they are- . He was weary, and even though he took his time in shower, he still felt unclean. He felt the filth running on his skin and cutting his soul, making him unable to sleep for the past couple of days. He wasn’t eating properly, yet he emptied his stomach every chance he got; without showing a sign of distress to his sisters of course. He laughed and joked around them; he was the hero, he was the _sycamore tree_.

And the nights were spent playing ‘’the metaphysical chess’’ against his brain, but nowadays he wasn’t granting his most beloved organ with answers, rather, he was just playing/fighting hopelessly while waiting for mother sleep to pick him up in her arms. He was tired and lost.

_He didn’t mess anything up, though._

_Oh…_

 

Fireflies and butterflies were playing carelessly under the light of a familiar streetlight.

Izaya was gasping and shaking all over when he stopped under it. He sat down then looked up to see the painful canvas of the starry night and the yellow butterflies. A single tear slowly walked down to his chin as he was reminded of the harsh wind of Ikebukuro. The wind made him feel how dry his lips were, how much his lungs hurt, also it okayed Izaya; _‘’ Come on, you can feel alive for a bit. ‘’_  He acceptingly shook his head to _it,_ feeling like a crazy person. And even smiled a little.

 

‘’-Honey, isn’t it a little early for you to be going crazy? ‘’

Izaya knew this voice. It lacked the unnerving slurring though. Without standing up, Izaya calmly looked his left side to see the high-as-a-kite guy from a month ago. Now that the guy was less dirty and less high, Izaya also saw how nice his features were; the guy was handsomely-beautiful but not like Izaya who is straight up womanish.

Izaya struggled to take his red eyes off of the other’s piercing blue eyes as the man sat down on the sidewalk;

  -‘’ My name is Haruki. Yoroshiku ne? ‘’ Haruki sympathetically shook Izaya’s hand and Izaya just went along with it;  
  -‘’ Izaya. ‘’  
  -‘’ I see, Izaya. Interesting name. Beautiful though. So what are you doing on a cold pavement, cooling down your prostate or something ? ‘’

 

On the man’s inaproppriate and ill-timed joke, a tittering laugh escaped from Izaya’s lips. Forcing an exhausted eye contact, Izaya asked with a voice that was just as tired as his look;

  -‘’ What do you want, Haruki? I am tired as you can see..’’

  -‘’Girl, one must be blind not to see it’’

  -‘’ So..?’'

Without answering, Haruki started searching for something in his dark-brown leather jacket, and Izaya questioned whether or not Haruki’s dark blond hair –that was quite long and was tied as a ponytail-  was natural. After deciding it was indeed natural, he tried to find out the man’s real nationality. Japanese-Russian?, Japanese-German maybe?. _Fuck.. even thinking is hard today._ Then he turned his attention to the little box of yellow and white pills that came out of Haruki’s pocket;

  -‘’ What are those? ‘’  
  -‘’ Sleeping pills and some uppers. I think..’’  
  -‘’ You’re not sure? ‘’  
  -‘’ Well the yellow one is to sleep I know that. ‘’  
  -‘’ I see.. So what? ‘’  
  -‘’ I can give you this whole bottle free, if you help me with a delivery tonight at Adezakura Club ‘’  
  -‘’ Why me? ‘’  
  -‘’ The guy I work with got busted yesterday and you’re kind of cute ‘’  
  -‘’ Cut the crap. Will I be safe? ‘’  
  -‘’ My god you have a harsh mouth..No one knows you around so you will be fine. ‘’  
  -‘’ I see.. Okay.. fill me in then.’’

 

Satisfied, Haruki smiled and started giving details to Izaya;

  
-‘’ It’s pretty easy actually. I will give you the packet and signal you the receiver when we’re in. Then we will seperate and I will deliver my packet too. You will not get any money so don’t be surprised. Then we will have a few drinks. After that we will leave seperately and I will give you the bottle in the first corner. ‘’

-‘’ Everything is quite fine but how will I get into the club in the first place ? I am barely seventeen you know. ‘’ Both of them were standing now.

\- ‘’ Oh just leave that to me ‘’

 

They walked for thirty minutes before reaching to the Adezakura Club. Izaya silently watched as Haruki sneaked a couple thousand yen into the hands of musclar bodyguards. They went into the club without a problem and Izaya was suprised to hear his heart beating in his ears despite the fact that the club mix was booming.  He was now awake, every sense of him was in attention and he had an almost malevolent look in his eyes. _Do the job and get out. Do the job and get out. Do the job and get out.._ That look was a sign of his brain working in full capacity and symbole of his heart getting locked out. Izaya followed Haruki’s sign and slowly, almost ghostly made his way beside the receiver. There were a lot of people under the pink neon lights and a constant action of jumping, dancing , grinning was going on so Izaya was sure no one would see him giving a tightly wrapped packed to the guy with an obnoxious way of chewing gum. _Do the job and get out._

He did the job, sipped on a beer then got out.

He did the job, sipped on a beer, got out and met with Haruki who was now obviously high. He sheepishly smiled while giving the promised bottle to Izaya;

-‘’ You were really good. There you go. ‘’  
-‘’ I know I am. Thanks.’’

Izaya took the bottle.

Izaya searched for _something_ and he found _something_. Just because you find _something_ that doesn’t mean it will be _something_ good.

But it was _something._

 

Ch 6.2 : Instinct

2 weeks later..

_-Ring-…_

_-Ring-…_

Every cell of him screamed ‘danger’ as the phone kept on ringing. No it wasn’t because no one called him before, almost every Chinese topguy somehow had his phone number and they contacted him through it. The problem was, the phone wasn’t _his phone,_ it was the _house phone_ that was ringing. No one knew where they were living, and no one knew his house-phone number. No one should. No-one-can. Was it father?. _No.._

Izaya closed the kitchen door before sitting on the chair so that his sisters –who were in the living room- wouldn't get intrigued by the noise. He breathed and tried to calm himself. _Maybe it’s just a wrong number. If so it will stop._ No. It kept ringing and Izaya’s pupils grew larger with fear. What was this?

So he answered;

 -‘’ Y..Yes ? ‘’  
 -‘’ I am I talking with Orihara Izaya? ‘’ _He doesn’t have an accent, he is not Chinese._  
 -‘’ Who I am I talking to? ‘’ _Izaya wasn’t aware of how his nails were stabbing the wooden table._  
 -‘’ You are talking to yet another one of your customers and I have to say, I have heard very intriguing things about you.’’ _A deep male voice. Is he grinning when talking?_

 

That ‘malevolent’ look made it’s way onto Izaya’s face. He felt the anger and his nails.

 -‘’ What are you talking about? No one is my customer unless I accept their offer ‘’  
 -‘’ Well..Let’s look at this way; How do you think I got your number? ‘’  
 -‘’ I don’t know. So what? ‘’  
 -‘’ So what? I see..’’

 

_-‘’ How are your sisters, Izaya? ‘’_

 

Everything went pitch-black.


	7. The Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo It's your girl; Tired AF Shannyn. My goath this chapter took so long. You may realise while reading this that my spirits were down in some parts.
> 
> There was a lot of philosophy in this chapter, and my insp. about Nietzche part came from Bertrand Russel's book; History Of Western Philosophy *book 3* and I'd would like to cite that.
> 
> Onii san : In japanese ; brother  
> Divan : A luxurious couch that Ottoman's used to use. Now we have modern vers. in the West. Check it out.
> 
> I listened to the soundtrack of the anime Death Parade while writing this. But my insp. mainly came from Tash Sultana's Jungle and Notion songs. My writing is better when you read it with music. *:')*  
> I will proof read this chapter in the next six hours .u The next chapter? I will plan it tomorrow.  
> btw- there is smut in the chapter 7.2 but it's like the best part so I suggest you to read it :D

Ch 7 : Thus Spoke Zarathustra

 

_(…) -‘’ How are your sisters Izaya? ‘’_

_How?_

-‘’ How ?...’’  Izaya’s brain instantly shut itself down in that wicked second. And dear reader, when your brain is shut, you hold on to your most primitive sensation;   _your survival instinct._

_Why?_

After that phone call, Izaya became intensely involved with that said instinct. It followed him in his every step, every decision; it chased him in his dreams and made his life a living hell. _Everthing burned._

_Everything is burning, his lungs are burning, his hands are burning. Oh dear demiurge… let him breathe!_

Izaya swallowed the acidic fluid in his mouth with great difficulty as the other’s deeply alarming voice filled his ears;

   - ‘’Now, tell me, do you think it is reasonable to speak with that bold tone of yours towards someone who has the information about _everything_ you wanted to hide? ‘’

 At that moment, Izaya really wanted to crawl out of his skin and be gone forever. He slowly brought his palm on his forehead, hunched his back even more, and watched as the clear white liquid clumped together and formed little circular shapes on the wooden table.

On the boy’s ongoing silence, that plaguesome voice thundered;

   - ‘’ Speak! Izaya. Is it? ‘’ _Oh just how many memories did that imperative brought;_

 

_Speak, Izaya. Answer me you useless fuck. Answer me!_

_-Indescribable sounds of a child, and silent sobs-_

_Speak you filthy sissy. You slut, LOUDER!_

_‘’ Please…stop ‘’_

Then his brain started working again.

Izaya blinked and wiped away the tears on his lips with the back of his hand. _Now, consider your situation…_

_How are your sisters?_

_How are your sisters?_  The loud anime music that was coming from the living room made everything feel like an Albert Camus story; Everything was absurd and life was merely _life._ Let the clowns have a laugh.

Izaya’s voice was shaking as he answered;

   -   ‘’N..No, It isn’t.’’ He then released his deadly grip on the table with shaky motions. With tingling fingers, he touched his knee; he rubbed it few times like he wanted to warm himself up. Subsequently, he glanced over into the kitchen and convinced himself that the time hasn’t stopped around him. The voice on the other line however, was disspasionate and calm;

 

   -‘’ Yes. Now…I will offer you a job, and you will _kindly_ come to the place I want you to come—

 

Looking up,  Izaya saw a yellow butterfly outside the window. _Wait what?_

 

    - ‘’ –- I will message you the adress and the date. ‘’ Then before hanging up, his captor said _three words._ Those _three words_ were going to haunt Izaya mercilessly throughout his life. No. Those three words _made_ Izaya the man he is today ;

   

   -‘’ Remember, … _information is power_. ‘’

 

Then his captor hung up.

 

* * *

 

It was quite tiny; you know, their kitchen. The lavender walls were naked except for a little beige wall- clock that has stopped working presumably a long time ago. Izaya never bothered to buy a battery to make it work again. Why? Because he hated the sound of the unstoppable ‘’tick-tock’’. _Tick-tock, tick-tock , tick-tock , tick-tock , tick-tock, tick-tock isn’t it insufferable?_

But he heard it. It wasn’t coming from the wall clock though. It came grungy and deep and it echoed painfully within his brain. _Tick-tock._ Without putting down the phone, Izaya slowly clenched his hands in his hair. He sat there with his head between his legs and forced himself to stay silent when a dredful scream tried to make it’s way out. He rocked back and forth. _Tick-back, tock-forth, tick-back, tock-forth, tick—_

 _Where is the butterfly? Oh god…where is the butterfly?_  The noontide sun shined into his tears and made him squint his eyes rapidly when he looked up to the window.

   - ‘’ Onii-san, onii-san’’

It took him some time to realise that those tick-tocks were actually the sound of his hyperventilating-crying. It also took him some time to answer his sisters whom were calling for him.

   - ‘’Y—‘’ _Clear your throat first._ ‘’ Yes ? ‘’ He answered with an awkwardly broken voice. It was a mistake to jump out of the chair all of a sudden and Izaya clumsily tried to find his balance by grabbing onto the handle of the refrigerator. The world spun around him and he needed to close his eyes. But his ears were focused to Mairu’s cheery voice;

 

   - ‘’ Can we eat from those blueberry cupcakes that we bought yesterday? ‘’

_Blueberry cupcakes. Yes._

   - ‘’ Yes ‘’ Izaya said and grabbed two cupcakes from the refrigerator. He also sweared quietly when the light of the machine burned his tired eyes.

He went into the living room where both his sisters ran towards him joyfully. Being the sycamore tree that he is, Izaya smiled normally and handed them the cupcakes. Mairu and Kururi took their cupcakes gratefully but instead of just turning around to continue watching anime, their inquiring  eyes sticked to their brother’s red and puffy ones. First move was from Mairu – _as always- ;_

   - ‘’ Ne- onii-san, why are your eyes are puffy, did you cried?’’  
   -‘’ No…, I accidentally touched my eyes with dish soap while doing the dishes’’ _Woah, quite a lie with it’s tails._ But the seven year old bought it nevertheless..  
   -‘’ Stupid onii-san ‘’ She laughed and turned around to make her way to the TV.

Now Kururi was the silent one and observed the scene without saying anything. After her twin sister walked away, she stepped aside and simply hugged her brother’s leg. Then she mumbled something like ‘’ you’re lying’’ but her voice was too low.

Izaya literally bit his lip not to break down crying. Then he lowered his head and put his right hand onto Kururi’s head;

   -‘’ You do understand don’t you Kururi? ‘’

Kururi nodded as a ‘yes’. _But no, they didn’t understand of course. They were just too little._

 

_-‘’ Go eat your cake. Come on. ‘’_

 

Ch 7.1:  The Lion’s Cage

 

Izaya furrowed his brows when he saw the message;

_‘’Saturday night at 22:00; Come to this address…’’_

Today was Thursday. So he had two days. To do what?

To hand himself over to the man who was a threat to the life he was trying to build for himself and his sisters?

To run deliberately into the cage of the lion, only to be eaten?

_Will there be bones of him left when he was finished?_

Well…

* * *

 

 

-2 Days Later, SATURDAY: 21:30-

 

Yes. He was going to face the lion. He had no other choice.

_I have no choice._

With an angry expression on his face, Izaya looked at his dull silhouette on the mirror for a long time. _Go there, let him have you, and get out._ But beyond that angry expression, that mantra was repeating itself in his brain: _Go there, let him have you, and get out._ Also, the focus was on the _‘get out’_ part. He was inconceivably scared. He was scared because he _had no information._

 _Information…_ that word tasted so bitter on his tongue. _It burned him inside-out. That word was a declaration of weakness. Of his weakness to be clear._

Before grabbing his coat and walking towards the door; Izaya stared vacantly at his hands for a while. _He had no information, and he had no one._ His expression relaxed; _Yes that was it. How sad that he only had his nails to dig himself a livelihood._ Izaya closed the door silently and walked outside to meet with his waiting taxi.

_He just didn’t know how much pain he was going to go through because of that man._

* * *

 

He stepped out from the taxi when it stopped in front of an impressive mansion. Without showing any signs of hesitation, Izaya opened the garden door then walked up to the front door then rang the bell and waited.

A tall and athletically built man greeted him. Izaya had to look up a little to meet with the other’s ice-blue eyes. Also his hair was jet black and had gray hair in it; they all made a scary contrast on his face. His eyes were just slightly hooded but it was somehow obvious that the man was half Japanese. Before taking his frightening eyes off of Izaya, the man spoke in a modulated tone;

   -‘’ Izaya right? Come in ‘’ He stepped aside and gestured inside the house. They entered into the room and Izaya instantly felt the heat of the burning fireplace. He also sensed the man’s heavy perfume when he swiftly took Izaya’s jacket from his shoulders. When the other went to hang Izaya’s coat, Izaya sat on the scarlet red divan that was placed in front of the obsidian-black fireplace. The room was dimly lit. Izaya turned his head when he heard the other speaking;

 

   -‘’ First things first, I would like to say that I am deeply sorry for using your little sisters to get you here ‘’ While saying these, he prepeared drinks from the bar-like counter in the corner of the room. Sharp sounds of the glass and silverware filled the room, Izaya also heard a soft music coming from somewhere… Then his attention slided to the man’s obviously tailored midnight-blue three-piece suit. His back was turned to Izaya so Izaya clearly observed him; _the muscles on his back stood out with every move of his arms, he must be working out;_

 

   -‘’ So you’re not going to use them anymore ? ‘’ Izaya asked with a normal tone but without using the formal language. The man answered while walking to Izaya and handing him over a glass of wine;

 

   -‘’ Well..You’re here _now_ so no..’’ _But I can use them later._ Izaya took the glass and slowly brought it to his lips; in order to restrain himself from cursing to the man. Izaya tried not to look into his eyes when he sat beside Izaya and said;

 

   -‘’ By the way, my name is Alexei ‘’ _So he is Russian-Japanese. Or maybe Bulgarian..Slavic nevertheless.._

 

   -‘’ What do you want from me, _Alexei?’’_ The stress on the name did not fit with Izaya’s accent.

   

   -‘’ I simply want the same thing that _the_ _Chinese_ wanted from you. ‘’

   

   -‘’ Why blackmail then? Also, how do you know about ‘the Chinese’ ? ‘’ Izaya put his glass down onto the glass table.

 

Alexei fixed his eyes onto the burning wood of the fireplace;

    -‘’ Well..you could say that it is my job to know. ‘’ He then turned his blue orbs to Izaya’s flame red ones and continued. ‘’ I am an informant. I sell people the right information at the right time and place. And the reason of my _unusual offer_ was the deep influence you had on me when I heard about you. I was curious about you.’’ Alexei journeyed into those mesmerizing eyes and porcelain skin. _What a toy to be broken. He thought._

When Alexei’s continuous stare began to vivisect Izaya’s being, Izaya broke the eye contact and put his hands on his knees. He stared at his hands for a while, _Informant, huh.._  then slowly looked back at Alexei’s eyes;   

   -‘’ Are you… going to hurt me? ‘’ Radiating red waves danced on Izaya’s skin, they made him look like he was shaking when asking this. His almost frail voice didn’t help either. But Alexei wasn’t nervous, or scared. He sat there like an ancient god and replied without hesitation;

 

   -‘’ Yes. ‘’

 

Ch 7.2 : Welcome to the Jungle

 

The first thing that took Izaya’s attention when he stepped into the spacious bedroom was the amount of books that were on the shelves. Seeing the impressed look on Izaya’s face, Alexei asked;

   -‘’ I mostly keep philosophy books in here. Do you read philosophy? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes.. sometimes ‘’ Izaya quickly answered while walking towards the second shelf where a valuable collection of the best Japanese literature was on display. Alexei continued the conversation as he took his jacket off and laid it onto the chair of the gold-engraved writing table;  
   -‘’ Then you must know about Nietzche. I personally find him quite fascinating. He argued that the Christianity’s purpose was to domesticate the heart of the man and he also said that it was a wrong thing to do. He thought that a wild animal had some kind of a ‘splendor’ of the soul, a magnificence perhaps, and when it’s domesticated he.. I mean it, loses that magnificence…If you don’t mind me asking.. do you have a belief in God, Izaya?’’

Without taking his eyes off of the shelves, Izaya replied with a monotonous tone;

   -‘’ No…not anymore.’’

Alexei smiled cruelly with carnality in his eyes and walked towards Izaya. He gently put his hands on the boy’s shoulders and leaned to whisper in his ear;

 

‘’-Take off your clothes and lay down.’’

* * *

 

 

Izaya deliberately dropped the elegance and the etiquette while stripping off. He also sent angry looks towards Alexei; who was taking something out from the ebony drawer.

When Izaya saw the black leather cuffs and a long piece of silk cloth in Alexei’s hands, that familiar sensation filled his skin; _the primal instinct of fear and self-preservation_.

Everything felt like a war area with Alexei, you had the feel the blood in your nails and you had to scream wildly for triumph.

 _Every cell of Izaya would scream in despair when he was with him_. _Get out. Take off the cuffs and get out. Take the blindfold off and get out. Get out._

Everything would hurt when you were with Alexei; _his touch, his words and his mind would work together to wound you._

At the moment, Izaya was hating every second of it. He hated the way Alexei forced his legs open and stretched them up.  He hated the way his tongue slowly traveled on his scarred chest, and the way he took Izaya’s neck into his cold and yearning fingers; Izaya’s breath sharpened, he flinched and tried to move his head away from Alexei’s slowly hardening grip on his neck;

   -‘’ Calm down. I am not going to kill you ‘’ Alexei whispered in Izaya’s ear as he released his grip and focused on the blue/purple vein on the side of Izaya’s neck. He brushed it a few times then ran his two fingers over it. With his free hand, he took the hair that was under Izaya’s blindfold out;  
   -‘’ Now.. shall we start? ‘’ _It wasn’t a question though, despite the questionmark._

Izaya got goosebumps when Alexei poured the cooling lubricant down. Alexei then touched Izaya’s Cupid’s bow;

   -‘’ Open your mouth ‘’ He ordered. Izaya’s lips unwantingly parted. With that, Alexei thrusted two fingers in Izaya’s mouth and moved ahead until he reached the other’s gag-reflex. Instinctively, Izaya pulled hard on the cuffs around his wrist and tried to jolt upright; which only made his gag worse. Alexei pushed him back down with his free hand commanded mercilessly;  
   -‘’ Wet it. Come on use your tongue and wet it.’’

Izaya felt nauseous as tears started to spill with panic. He felt Alexei’s breath on him. _The aftertaste of an expensive wine._ He tried to turn away, he tried to escape from the palm of the lion. But in the end he obeyed; using his tongue, he did what Alexei wanted from him.

   -‘’Good.’’

When the fingers were suddenly taken out, Izaya gasped and swallowed the saliva down. His cheeks reddened and he tried to catch his breath as Alexei put his slicked fingers in and started stretching him. He wasn’t gentle and didn’t hold himself back either when he put his lengthy arousal in.

 _Please stop. It hurts, please..just stop._ Izaya wanted to yell these words out but the only thing he could do was to whimper silently like a wounded animal. _Was this the splendor of the soul? Of the animal that he was to Alexei._ He bit his lip to mute himself. _No, he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction._

_Within his blinfold, Izaya saw a deeper shade of black._

_And a redder shade of blood._

 

When Alexei started to ride him with an excruciating speed; Izaya’s guttural sounds were converted into tormented screams of a dying animal; _there were stains of blood on the wings of the yellow butterfly._

‘’-Please... please ‘’ Izaya fatuously mourned for himself but then, he wasn’t even himself anymore.

‘’-What ? What did you said? ‘’ Izaya’s every beg, every cry, every shuddering breath made Alexei’s appetite grow even more. He bruised the other’s limbs with painful strikes and enjoyed zest of Izaya’s shivers when he did that.

_The blood was viscous and kept a tight rein on the yellow butterfly._

Alexei slapped Izaya across the face, then grabbed his tear-stained chin harshly. ‘’-Tell me, what do you want? ‘’ He shouted.

_‘’ -Stop…’’_

_The yellow butterfly tried to flutter it’s wings. One,two. Then it fell onto it’s side and gave up._

 

Climax.

 

Ch 7.3 : Futurity

When the weight of the bed changed, Izaya slowly lowered his numb legs. Everything hurt.

 _It was so familiar when it hurt like this._ _But he was supposed to escape from this. He was going to be free. What happened, Izaya?_ Izaya still had his restraints and blindfold on so he savagely yelled at Alexei, who was –judging by the sounds- dressing;

   -‘’ Untie me ‘’ Izaya tried to ignore the hoarseness in his throat. _God damn it, god damn it , god damn it. He wanted to scream and cry his heart out. He felt his blood boiling with anger._

 

* * *

 

 

Now freed, Izaya crawled on the bed to sit up. He was shaking like a leaf as he spotted a thin red liquid between his legs. He then first, wiped his tears using the back of his freshly scarred wrists, then cleaned his legs roughly using the silk sheets. Everything was in slow motion until Izaya slowly turned his head to look towards Alexei, who was silently studying Izaya like he was a cold-blooded brute.

 

_Alexei saw the pure hatred inside the boy’s flame red orbs._

_He saw the blood that drowned the butterfly._

_He saw his own death in Izaya’s eyes._

_There was the splendor of the soul._

 

‘’-Take your charge from the second drawer before going out ‘’  Alexei pointed out the black drawer to Izaya; then left the room.

 

* * *

 

 

_When Izaya finally revealed the scars he got from Alexei to Shizuo; Shizuo, that mountain of a man, shed tears like a baby._

_Izaya never forgave himself for making the sun weep for him…_


	8. Hey Mr. Tambourine Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo It's your girl: Feverish Shannyn. So, I have a slight fever and instead of sleeping I wrote this. I haven't -of course- proof read it yet and I have no idea what kind of a chapter this looks like to you guys, so feedback is appreciated, lel.
> 
> Mood songs for this chapter;  
> Akritas - The Festival (Το Πανηγύρι)  
> Akritas - The Dream  
> August Burns Red - Internal Cannon (Acoustic)
> 
> The last two may not work while reading the chapter but you can listen after or before reading to you know get the mood. See you in the next chapter ^^

Ch 8 : Lucid

 

_A slow motion scene where an African lion attacks a deer. The deer’s shiny and cinnabar coloured flesh is slit open by the grandiose teeth. The essence of life piles up onto the ground in red colour…_

_Seven coloured lights are shining into Izaya’s eyes as he feels the soft caress of the panicum virgatum; the panicgrass, in his hands. They are everywhere, everywhere. Kaleidoscope-like radiances flitter around his eyes as he looks at the sanguinary scene with a corner of an eye. The wind of the wilderness runs past him. And the fresh air fills his lungs. Then we see him walking away from the scene like a phantom._

_Unreachable corner of the bygone days, and the gray clouds._

_Possibilities of the grand possibility,_

_Are waiting for me._

_But only there,_

_are the crumbs of bread,_

_of my lost futurity._

 

‘’ Onii-san ‘’…,

 

_I want to know;_

_Will the flower sing for my grave?_

_I am weeping, and suffering,_

_I am alone as I wait for the song of the flower,_

_While preparing,_

_To fall._

_Oh god._

     -‘’ Onii-san, Onii-san.’’

     -‘’ He is not waking up, Mairu. ’’

 

_‘’ The song of the flower have drowned the sunrise, and you have no idea.’’_

 

 _-‘’_ What is he murmuring? Do you understand anything Kururi? Oi- Onii-san wake up ‘’

The seven year old put her tiny hand onto her brother’s shoulder and shook him with all her strength.

 

_‘’ Midnight has dawned on me, see, the firefly. ‘’_

 

    -‘’ Onii-san.’’ The other twin, Kururi, lightly put her hand on her brother’s slightly sweaty hair.

 

Izaya’s expression softened and he opened his eyes. Unfocused, and lightheaded, he felt a vagrant tear running down to his chin; only to be wiped away by Kururi’s baby hands. _Blank words do have meaning in them. Deep down; look deep._ He realised the movements of his own lips then; his delirium.

     -‘’ Ne-onii-san, you’re talking to yourself’’

‘’ … _the flower_ , the bird…’’ _Wait._ He stopped talking. The twins stepped away from their brother to give him space. Izaya realised how tightly his hands were wrapped around himself and on that, he loosened his fingers. _That shadowy feeling after a realistic dream._ He felt it all over himself as he put his hand on the bed to support himself getting up. _Was I…speaking, no… writing poetry? What was that?_ His movements were painfully slow. The twins looked at each other, confused. When he heard the rustle of the familiar fabric, Izaya noticed that he was still wearing his jacket, _and his jeans_. In an awkward half-laying position, he turned to look at his sisters whom were quite puzzled. The words came hardly and in a hoarse voice;

‘’ I.. I am fine. Just go to the living room, I’ll prepare you breakfast, right away ‘’ He finally  managed to sit up on the bed on his knees. The twins nodded and left the room quietly. Izaya closed his eyes and breathed. His being was still shaking with the effect of the words he has been murmuring to himself all night long. _But they were beautiful._ Izaya’s lips curved into a tragic smile as a sob pushed itself out of his mouth. He wiped his tears and continued to smile like a nutcase. _How clean they felt. His soul felt purified. What was that?_

That feeling was beyond language. Wittgenstein once said ‘’The limits of my language mean the limits of my world’’  When uttered; yes. But Izaya ‘felt’ the beyond, he ‘felt’ the inexpressible. It felt like tasting a driblet of honey on one’s bottom lip; you would first smell the honey, then would taste it once you draw your lip between your teeth.

It felt like seeing an unbeliavably beautiful-coloured flower on the side of the road while driving in the car. Mesmerized; you would draw closer to the car’s glass to see it again.

Izaya took his coat off slowly then walked to the bathroom. On his way, he saw his sisters watching a morning-hour anime. _I scared them._ He thought.

The rest of his clothing were laying carelessly on the bathroom tiles as Izaya examined himself on the old-looking tall mirror. His eyebrows knitted when he saw and ran a hand on the bruises on his right upper-thigh; right below his pubis. Then his fingers traveled onto the ones on his groin. _What happened, Izaya? Why the same scene all over?_ He was going ask himself this over and over again, and the bruises were going to turn into unfadable scars. He was going to get used to the inhumane sound of Alexei’s whip; cracking onto his skin, onto the same spots over and over again, deliberately.

A month later, at this same spot, he was going to look at the first cigarette-burn on his arm. At this same spot; he was going to remember the terror;

 

_He waited on the garnet-red silk, on his knees, with a black collar on his neck. He did not make a move when Alexei came into the room and sat beside him with his pitch-black suit and a cigarette hanging between his fingers. Using his ice-blue eyes, Alexei feasted on the breathing object’s skin; his senseless obsession, his mirror;_

_‘’ How harmonious you are with this room, with this bed. ‘’ With his disengaged hand, Alexei turned Izaya’s face to his and grinned when he saw the fire in Izaya’s eyes. Izaya watched Alexei inhaling the cigarette. He then exhaled it, turning his face away from Izaya. The hand that was resting on Izaya’s chin moved to caress his neck, then his collarbone, until it came onto his wrist. Alexei abruptly took the boy’s skeletal wrist into his tight grasp, making Izaya startle with fear.  Izaya looked up and met with the other’s eyes; There he saw the maidan of war. Something unspeakable was going to happen. When he understood, terror and despair dawned on Izaya’s features. Alexei started to speak with that distasefully modulated voice; he talked so calmly like he wanted to mock Izaya’s horror;_

_-‘’ I would like to make an experiment. Now, hold my arm that is holding your wrist, you can squeeze it as much as you like.’’ Izaya’s eyes widened with fear but he grabbed Alexei’s arm when Alexei tightened his grip more to move Izaya._

_Izaya’s lips parted to say ‘’ Please, don’t ‘’ but Izaya knew that it was vain to beg when you were in the grasp of the wraith. Continuous tremors surrounded his skin. With the hand that held the cigarette, Alexei carefully caressed Izaya’s cheek with his thumb;_

_-‘’Do-not make a sound, alright? Look into my eyes and don’t make a sound.’’ Izaya wasn’t even blinking entirely when he made a frail eye-contact with Alexei. His breath shuddered; steeped tears invaded his vision, no, he was going to scream, he was going to wail. The cigarette came closer to his arm; Run away, run away , run away, run—Izaya needed to beg, needed to escape from the prison of the ice---_

_Alexei pressed the glowing tip against Izaya’s skin._

_Izaya didn’t make any sound. He was too afraid to make a sound. He was stilled by those frosty eyes. Every muscle on his body hardened, he choked his scream and did not breathe. His limbs convulsed and his lips trembled; he looked into Alexei’s eyes. Every move of him begged; ‘’ Stop, please stop’’._

_But he was beyond language._

_The ice put out the fire, and Izaya made himself silent._

_After he was finished, Alexei calmly threw out the now died down cigarette, onto the Turkish rug. Izaya didn’t even dared to look at his arm, he released his breath and choked on it. Freeing his wrist, Alexei put Izaya’s head on his shoulder and hugged him tenderly;_

_-‘’ There is not much to be got anywhere in the world. It is filled with misery and pain; if a man escapes these, boredom lies in wait for him at every corner. Nay more; it is evil which generally has the upper hand, and folly that makes the most noise. Fate is cruel and mankind is pitiable. Schopenhauer said this. You see, Izaya, no one said the life was supposed to be good. Then why are we all running around, trying to be happy? ‘’ Alexei incised the boy’s pain with his whispery recital. Izaya clung onto Alexei’s suit and sobbed. His head was throbbing and he felt dizzy, he would faint if he let him go, he would._

_He understood._

* * *

 

But right now, with his already fading bruises and yet- to -be seen scars; Izaya stood in front of that mirror, he closed his eyes and opened his arms to his both sides. _The mountain, the rocks and the abyss in front of him. Yes, he felt the wind in his face. There he stood with his mere existence._

_Izaya smiled to himself._

_Let me._

_Let me fall._

 

Then he lowered his arms and opened his eyes. _Yes, I escaped from that house to run away from pain. To save my sisters from the pain. What happened Izaya? What happened?_ Izaya looked into his hateful eyes on the mirror. _What happened Izaya? What happened?_ All of a sudden; he burst into a deranged laughter.

What happened Izaya?

What happened?

Nothing.

_I failed._

* * *

 

Ch 8.1 : I failed

 

A week later, Izaya found Haruki, under that god-damned streetlight, eating a piece of toast. _Why is he always here?_  The other saw Izaya walking towards him and grinned like a Cheshire cat. Izaya sat on the pavement, next to him;

    -‘’ How are you always here?’’ Izaya asked.  
    -‘’ Because my house is near. Honey have you lost weight? Do you want a piece from my toast?’’  
    -‘’ No thanks. I actually came to ask you… if you have any other job like we did a couple of weeks ago?’’  
    -‘’ Of course I do. But why? Did you ran out of pills?’’  
    -‘’ Yes, but I need something..’’  
    -‘’ Stronger?’’  
    -‘’ Please don’t complete my sentences it irritates me.’’  
    -‘’ Soooory honey. But you can always buy them you know. You don’t have to do deliveries’’  
    -‘’ I am saving up so..’’

 

Yes, he was saving his money, but also he needed jobs like that to introduce himself to certain circles. He needs to make a name for himself. _He needed information._

_But also, he needed something stronger._

Izaya searched for _something_ and he found _something_. Just because you find _something_ that doesn’t mean it will be _something_ good.

But it was _something._

But now, he needed something _stronger._

This is how you become an addict.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear reader, I personally find some things tragically funny. Like the existence itself perhaps? We, as humans, are tragically funny because we exist; and that ultimately makes the existence itself the most tragically funny thing, and I find that tragically funny.

In a period of two months, Haruki gave Izaya a couple of jobs in which, Izaya used to get himself that valuable i _nformation._ As a pair, their chemistry wasn’t the most amazing one; but you could say that Izaya somehow got used to Haruki and his quirks.

In a period of two months, Izaya pulled himself down into the pit of downers and uppers; meaning, pills.

In a period of two months, Alexei more and more pulled Izaya down into insanity.

But before salvation,  a breakdown, an ultimate bottom, and a loss was waiting for Izaya.

* * *

 

 

Ch 8.2 : Breaking Point

-Two months later–

With his hands restrained behind his back, Izaya sat on his knees and waited for Alexei to whip him, fuck him or burn him to the point of fainting. Alexei then would take Izaya into his arms and whisper his poison into Izaya’s hazy and drugged mind.

_His touch, his mind and his words would work together to play with Izaya._

Alexei wanted to see the splendor of the soul;

He wanted to see Izaya’s breaking point.

Information is quite powerful when used correctly; but _truths_ have made many go insane, Alexei knew that.

So he decided to reveal Izaya some truths.

 

 

Izaya’s eyes widened with disbelief and shock when he saw the person standing next to Alexei.


	9. Silence, Before the Storm..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo It's your girl; On the verge of a writer's-block Shannyn.  
> So I really 'forced' this chapter out so I don't know.. maybe It's a little dull who knows? Let me know by commenting down below ^^ But I can easily say that this is one-triggering-chapter :O:O:u
> 
> I will proof-read this tomorrow.
> 
>  
> 
> Uragiri no yuuyake : A traecherous sunset
> 
> -I would like to thank William Burroughs for his amazing descriptions of the effects of drugs. If it weren't for his works, I would step into a muddy water for sure.

Ch 9: Uragiri no Yuuyake

 

With his every swallow, Izaya felt the cold metal ring of the collar around his neck. Placed just in between his collarbones; it irritated him, he wanted to rip it out, he wanted to scratch that place on his neck until it was red and bleeding. But instead, he remained on the navy-blue sheets, on his knees, with a black leather cuff caging his wrists. Izaya waited for Alexei and usually, waiting for him would feel like stepping into a building in flames; every step would enhance the tightness around one’s throat. Or it would feel like drowning slowly in the blue oceans; _the clench of the throat, the panic, the pain, the salty water around irises and an aqueous last image of one’s extending hand_. But right now was different;

 _‘’ Tonight, another one of my toys will be joining us, and I am sure you will be interested too, Izaya. ‘’_ Five minutes ago, while attaching the collar to Izaya’s neck, Alexei said these. Then before leaving the room he put his cold fingers on _that spot_ on Izaya’s neck and touched it;

    - _‘’ What do you mean? ‘’_ Turning his face to Alexei, Izaya asked. But Alexei didn’t say a word and left.

* * *

 

 

Couple of minutes later, dark walnut doors of the bedroom opened and Izaya saw the person standing next to Alexei; _his dark blond hair, his ponytail, a cranberry-red collar around his neck…_

Instantly, sparks of anger loomed in front of Izaya’s eyes. His teeth clenched, his submissive hands all of a sudden, were squeezed into fists; he looked right into the eyes of _Judas Iskariot_ ; and if the looks were bullets, he would have killed _him_ that second;

      -‘’ Haruki…’’ Izaya hissed angrily, ‘’ Oh you fucking traitor, you better fucking explain this, _you cunt._ ’’ He yelled the last part. With a sinister smile on his mouth, Haruki eyed Izaya intimately but stayed silent. The other, boiling with anger, felt the green-purple vein on his neck popping and squeezed his fists harder; he pulled onto the cuffs around his wrists. _‘’ Answer me! ‘’_ Clanking sounds resonated in his ears.

_-_ ‘’ See, Izaya, I was right when I said you would be interested. ‘’ Alexei delightedly grinned. He then turned to Haruki;

 _-_ ‘’ I will prepare _it_. Play with him however you want.’’ Haruki’s eyes sparkled on that, and he put a light kiss on Alexei’s closed lips and said;

 _-_ ‘’ Can I? Thank you, _. ‘’_

Izaya really wanted to punch that guy’s now-smiling-cutely face. At the same time, scenarios and possibilities rained into his brain, _how? ...why?_ he watched as Alexei left the room and Haruki came towards him and sat on the bed. The scars on his torso, on his back and the needle scars on his arms were all visible to Izaya;

     -‘’ Why…? ‘’ Something sticked into Izaya’s throat and he couldn’t finish his sentence and he also didn’t needed to; because Haruki casually crossed his legs –like he wasn’t naked except for a little-too-little black short and a collar- and dropped the bomb uncaringly;  
     -‘’ Honey, who do you think first mentioned you, to Alexei?  
     -‘’ Wh—‘’

Izaya looked like a tasered animal. First, an instantaneous rush of blood arose into his brain, then his tightened muscles slowly released themselves. He understood everything. _Izaya closed his eyes and surrendered_ , _this was so hard on him._ Scattered pieces of the puzzle merged themselves as Haruki continued to speak;

      -‘’ You know, that night when you looked so lost and scared in front of that Chinese guy. Well..I was so high that night so I couldn’t remember you exactly, but then I told bits about you to Alexei, and he found you using his resources..’’

Izaya’s eyebrows knitted and a line appeared between them, but he refused to open his eyes and bit his lower lip; _Oh god.. How naive I am.. why don’t you give me a break?_ Haruki brought his face closer to Izaya’s face and examined the boy’s pained expression; _or_ _the silence before the storm..;_

 

      -‘’ One night, I followed you home and gave your address to Alexei..’’

 

_Help me._

_Help me._

Haruki’s nasal voice started echoing in Izaya’s brain and he silently cursed to himself. Haruki insistently continued;

      -‘’ ..and the delivery jobs, the pills I gave you.. Those were all Alexei’s work. ‘’

Izaya opened his eyes and looked right into Haruki’s blue orbs. Doing that, his expression was stoical and emotionless and his voice was exceptionally firm.. _Oceans were calm because oceans were long given up;_

 _-_ ‘’ Look at you Haruki ‘’ Izaya sent a contemptuous look towards Haruki’s scars, burns and bruises that were scattered around his addicted body. ‘’ Why are you taking these, why are you putting up with that man? ‘’

Before Haruki even got a chance to answer, _that man_ intervened into the conversation;

      -‘’ Well.. Haruki is putting up with me, because I offer him this.. ‘’ Alexei walked until he was in between them. Then he looked at Izaya.

 

When Izaya saw the white lines of snow, or C. , lying in four lines onto the fancy tray in Alexei’s hands, his whole being nauseated with the man’s 

evilness. Stoic red eyes amalgamated into malicious ice blue ones as Haruki submissively snuggled beside Alexei to snort a line of C. ;

       -‘’ You see, Izaya, I never told you I would harm _you_ if you refused me _._ I only threatened to harm your sisters. Then why are _you_ putting up with me? ‘’

 

 

_The ocean raged._

* * *

 

 

Without cutting the eye contact, Izaya all of a sudden burst into a maniacal laughter. Clanking sounds of the metal and Izaya’s forced breakdown echoed in the room.  Izaya suffocated in his own shivers and screamed;

       -‘’ You are sick, Alexei. You’re sick. ‘’  
       -‘’ Who isn’t, Izaya?’’

 

Muscles on Izaya’s abdomen stiffened with pain when he yelled and his laughter inosculated with animalistic wails. Izaya lamented for his sanity;

       -‘’ Why I am I putting up with you ha? … What? Should I let you hurt my sisters, you bastard! ‘’ Izaya ran out of oxygen in his lungs from screaming and felt dizzy.

 

Haruki wiped out the excess powder on his nose. ‘’ I think you broke him, Alexei ‘’ He said nonchalantly. ‘’ He was never in one piece. ‘’ Alexei coldly replied without taking his eyes off of the scene.

 

_Let me. Let me scratch my neck until it bleeds. Let me. Let me fall_

_Let me._

* * *

 

 

Izaya’s cries stilled abruptly. He trembled a little, and his knees hurt. A tear was hanging on top of his lip when he stared blankly to his knees for a while. He then lift his head up to look at Alexei;

‘’ Let me have from that ‘’ He pointed the lined- white-dragon with his head and requested with a broken voice.

On Izaya’s request, Alexei turned to Haruki and commanded;

‘’ Unlock him ‘’

* * *

 

 

With a key, Haruki stood in front of Izaya. ‘’ Don’t bite me alright? ‘’ He whispered into Izaya’s ear before unlocking the cuffs around his wrists. Hearing that, Izaya grinned wildly and showed his canine teeth to Haruki.

 

After his wrists were freed, Izaya cleaned his nose with a towel then drew closer to Alexei and took the cylindrical object on the tray. He also murmured something like ‘’ shut the fuck up, I know ‘’ when Haruki told him to ‘take it easy’.  _He was desperate._

 

 

He smelled it when it entered in; It was pure and cold and It hurt his nose and throat, and then the pure euphoria rushed into his brain and lighted the C. neurotransmitters there. It cracked into his head with white impulses, Izaya smiled to Alexei in a hazy defeat while wiping the trail of blood running down onto his lips, using the back of his hand. Alexei smiled back and gulped with ecstasy when some of the blood diffused and smeared onto Izaya’s right cheek. _He saw how his pupils were dilated. The abyss lied in this boys eyes._

Izaya opened his arms to his sides and gazed at Alexei and Haruki before beaming joyfully;

‘’ So what? Do you want to fuck me Alexei? Or..or would you like to burn me? Wait wait I know.. I think we should write a philosophy thesis named  ‘’ The philosophical basis of giving someone a blowjob: Using the philosophy of Hegel’’ of course. Because…’’ He continued on rambling nonsense.  _He was so high._

The manic state of the drug hit him hard; Izaya started giggling impulsively and scratched the area in between his two collarbones harshly. With his every claw to his neck, Izaya felt more and more happy. He heard Alexei and Haruki talking but he also didn’t heard Alexei and Haruki talking. _The entire solar system crushed into Izaya’s being._ ;

 

    -‘’ Ne-Alexei, what do you want me to do with him? ‘’  
    -‘’ Fuck him until he is senseless’’ Alexei replied with a voice that could cool the Middle-East. Izaya heard the metal sound of the tray when Alexei turned and put it onto the writing table.  
    -‘’ Aren’t you going to join us? ‘’  
    -‘’ No. ‘’ Alexei refused Haruki’s offer and sat onto the chair of the writing table and began doing something on his phone.

 

 

Ch 9.1 : The Ocean

 

‘’ Come on ‘’ Haruki laid Izaya’s over-the-clouds body down onto the sheets and quickly wiped the smear of blood on his face, using the clean part of the towel. He then untied his ponytail and let his hair make a curtain between them and Alexei. He leaned in and kissed Izaya. Then he quietly whispered into Izaya’s ear;

‘’ Please shut up and don’t make him angry. He is.. he is really cruel, Izaya’’ Haruki warned him because he knew from the first hand, how much brutal force Alexei could use when he was angered. Haruki then continued to kiss him to shut his blabbering up.

Inside the curtain, Izaya saw the sadness that was inside Haruki’s tired orbs and early lines under his eyes. He saw it, but it took him a long time to _recognize it._ Izaya let the eagle drown him with his grandiose feathers.

After the preparation, Haruki stretched Izaya’s one leg up and took him from the side. Vulnerable moans escaped from Izaya’s lips as he fixated his eyes on his own hand that was grasping the navy-blue sheets. More and more, he tightened his fingers and Haruki penetrated, swallowed, and ravished Izaya’s entity.

 

At one point his thrusts slowed and Haruki forced Izaya into the ‘on-all-fours’ position. Izaya tried to balance himself with his arms but they were shaking severely and so, Izaya let his head fall onto the satin pillows and ultimately handed himself to Haruki’s experienced hands.

 

In the final rounds, Izaya unconsciously started clawing onto his neck to make himself silent. _Trails of blood poured into the ocean_ and Izaya dug deeper..

 

Seeing the blood, Haruki grasped Izaya’s collar and yanked it, to stop Izaya from hurting himself. It worked, and Izaya force-lifted himself up on his arms to breathe properly. _Izaya’s sudden cry of pain took the attention of Alexei, he looked up to see Izaya climaxing; he saw the trails of tears and sweat on his face, the blood and the pink-red nail marks on his neck; right below his now forcefully grasped collar, and his shuddering delicate figure; his partially opened lips in order to breathe._

And finally, his eyes. For a moment, Alexei thought he saw his long-searched ‘splendor of the soul’ inside Izaya’s orgasming ruby eyes. He always blindfolded Izaya whenever he _took him_ , so he was unusually baffled when he saw Izaya’s pleading eyes that screamed ‘’ _Let me. Let me fall.’’_

 

Ch 9.2 : The Mirror

 

After the storm, Haruki excused himself and took the rest of the K. on his way to the bathroom. Alexei then came closer to Izaya’s deranged and incoherently talking figure and pulled the navy-blue sheets on him to cover his frail body properly. Maybe instincively, Izaya half-opened his eyes but he was far away from being awake and alert. Alexei leaned beside him and caressed the boy’s hair;

‘’ You are not seeing the point, Izaya. It’s right in front of your eyes. But you’re not seeing it.’’

 

‘’ _Why I am I doing these things to you, Izaya? ‘’_

* * *

 

 

Couple of days later, when Izaya was in front of his _beloved_ mirror, taking care of his wounds, his unconscious all of a sudden brought Alexei’s words up onto the surface of his conscious;

‘’ _You are not seeing the point, Izaya. ‘’_

 _‘’ It’s right in front of your eyes. ‘’_  Izaya looked at his ghostly figure on the mirror.

‘’ _Why I am I doing these things to you, Izaya? ‘’_

 

 

and he understood.


	10. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw yis. It's your girl; ''finally a good chapter'' Shannyn. I think this is the longest chapter in this story so far. But I liked it. Still, the proof reading will take forever, that's for sure.
> 
> *80's commerical music* Aaaaaaand in the next chapter, I will finally *somebody is singing halleluja back there. I hear it* introduce Shizuo. -and Shinra ehehe- The sweet , the bitter, and the gay school chapters are waiting for us aw yis.
> 
> Abayo : in Japanese; something like ''goodbye '' but it's deeper than goodbye, but not as deep as ''farewell'' *Such good dictionary I have, I know.*  
> один : The number :1 , in Russian.
> 
> A song for this chapter: The Smiths - Never Had No One Ever

Ch 10: Mirror

 

‘ _’ It’s right in front of your eyes’’_ Izaya brought a hand onto the scar on his left pelvis. Last pieces of the puzzle started to merge in his brain with atomical lightnings. His breathing quickened.

 

 _The bright light bulb of the bathroom started to turn on and off.. His own silhouette in the mirror turned into Alexei’s_. Izaya felt something landing on his shoulder, when he looked at it, he saw a yellow butterfly on his right shoulder; It was gleaming, like someone dripped it into neon yellow paint _._ With wild eyes, Izaya stepped back from the mirror. The butterfly flew away and the bathroom turned into it’s normal lighting when Izaya bumped his back to the sink.

With one of his hands gripping the sink, Izaya crouched down and breathed heavily.

 _‘’ It’s right in front your eyes’’_  Izaya’s eyes once again sticked to the mirror. Alexei was gone. Instead, Haruki’s addicted figure was now gazing back at him.

 

He held his indescribable sounds in, when the realization finally hit him; Izaya remembered Haruki’s scars from that night; The cigarette burns on his arms, _Izaya looked at Haruki’s arms in the mirror._  The deep whip scars on his left pelvis and torso. _Izaya’s eyes followed his brain._ The scars on his right upper leg, his shoulder, his…

 

_They both had the same scars at the same exact spots._

The hand gripping the sink dropped lifelessly and joined the other one that was on the white and blue tiles. Some tears dropped in between Izaya’s fisted hands  and they gathered together to form little circular shapes on the tile. _‘’ No..’’_   _The yellow butterfly came back and landed on top of his tears. ‘’ Why?...Why are you here?’’_ Izaya sobbed.  The cold tiles bit his bare legs and fists.

‘’ Why is he doing these things? ‘’ Izaya murmured to the butterfly. The butterfly shook off the tears on it’s wings then flew over to the mirror and landed on top of it. Izaya followed it with his eyes;  in the mirror, now, Haruki was gone and Izaya’s skeletal figure was on display. _Crouched.. Scared like a conditioned animal..Wait._

 

_The mirror.. I am his mirror.. NO_

_We are his mirror.._

_Mirror.._

_He never once let me see him naked…_

 

_We are his mirror.._

He understood.

_Alexei has the same scars… doesn’t he?_

Izaya weeped with horror.

 

* * *

 

 

Izaya rapidly got on his feet when his phone vibrated, making a ‘’buzz’’ sound on the sink’s glass part.  He looked at the message on the screen;

 

 _‘’ Come tonight.’’ – Alexei._  Izaya grinned at the screen, the phantom of the evil washed itself into his eyes. _Yes, Alexei.. I will come.. yes.._

He had no reason to hold himself back anymore…

He had nothing,

And he had no one.

 

_Let the poison drip into my veins; and yours too, Alexei._

Ch 10.1: The deepest deep

 

Alexei knew something was different. Even if Izaya didn’t say anything while he tied his wrists to the bedposts. Even after he squeezed the ropes harder to get a reaction, - which he was only greeted by the evil lying inside Izaya’s red orbs- Alexei knew something was different.

 _Izaya’s eyes were gleaming with red, with blood-thirst._ Insanity.

 _This was familiar to Alexei_.  Alexei took Izaya’s chin in his grip and made the boy look at him. The scenery was pleasant.

 

    -‘’ Oh.. I see..’’ Alexei grinned. Izaya returned the same grin back at him.

 

The trance was broken by the rude ringing of Alexei’s phone.

 

     -‘’ I see..’’ Alexei again breathed on Izaya, then took his ringing phone from the writing table and left the room. He forgot to close the door behind him so Izaya was an ‘ear guest’ to Alexei’s conversation;

 

 

    -‘ _’ .. Yes.. I did receive it from them. Yes.. ‘_ ’ Izaya held his breath to hear better, It was the first time he heard Alexei this angry.  
_-‘’ I don’ t know. I also don’t care. The Red Dragon will go down, and that’s it. That is all I was given..’’_

 

Izaya’s eyes widened. .. _What?_  He released his breath abruptly.

 

_‘’The Red Dragon will go down..’’_

_‘’ The Red Dragon ‘’ was Li’s alias._

_He was going to go down.._

 

_Li was going to be killed._

Izaya had nothing to hold back, really.

* * *

 

 

 

When Alexei came back, Izaya pretended like hadn’t heard anything, and continued the act;

Alexei took a long black cloth to use as a blindfold. He then stopped in front of Izaya. _Here we go.._

 

 _-‘’ –_ Ne Alexei, why are you blindfolding me everytime? ‘’ Izaya was silently baffled at the newfound edge in his own voice. On the boy’s question, Alexei retreated the hand that was preparing to put the blindfold on. He looked at Izaya and answered calmly;  
     -‘’ Because I prefer it that way.’’  
     -‘’ Oh.. then it isn’t because you’re hiding your beloved _abyss_ on your _chest_? ‘’ _Izaya really drove himself to the hillside._

 

On Izaya’s sarcastic remark, Alexei laughed. _Now you’re getting interesting, Izaya._

Alexei touched Izaya’s bottom lip. ‘’ – Maybe I am.. Would you want to see it then? ‘’ He whispered.

Izaya sharpened the edge on his voice. ‘’ – Well, Yes.. If it’s not going to hurt your _broken_ soul of course.’’

 

   -‘’ Careful. You’re on the line, Izaya. You will fall. ‘’ Alexei said, then stepped back and started taking his shirt off.  
   -‘’ Yes Alexei. Let me.. Let me fall ‘’ _and take you with me.._ Izaya whispered the sentence like it was a prayer.

 

Alexei took his vest off, then his shirt. He threw them on the floor.

and there they were…the cigarette burns on his arms, the tip of a scar on his pelvis hid by his pants.. Everything was the same…except..

 

Except for two horizontal lines of… burns..? on his torso.

Izaya’s brows furrowed, his tied hands were squeezed into fists.

_What... are those.._?_

_The fireplace.._

_the poker.._

 

Izaya struggled to get himself off of Alexei’s grip. _But the snake glided near him, in front of his eyes, and it whispered;_

 _-’'_ You see, Izaya, everything was so cold, so cold where I came from…’’ Alexei’s fingers confirmed it, Izaya felt the ice cutting his face when Alexei caressed his cheek. _He was so cold, so cold.._ ‘’.. and one day, Izaya, my father decided to warm me up..’’ Alexei gripped a handful of Izaya’s hair. ‘’..what do you think about his method, Izaya?’’

 

Izaya’s whole being churned with disgust. But still, he leaned forward, to Alexei’s eyes, and he spoke to his lips..

    -‘’ What I think is.. I think you’re a pathetic human being, Alexei; and It’s so funny because not only you’re pathetic, you’re also just a human. _You-are-just-a-human..’’_ He pushed on the last words.

 

The venom dripped on the honey, and Alexei slapped Izaya across the face. He then took Izaya’s neck into his palm and pushed his head back to the metal part of the large bedpost. ‘’ – Shut up, Izaya..’’ The impact was hard, but Izaya recovered quickly, he laughed at Alexei’s fraility;

     -‘’ Be a man and untie me, Alexei. You coward.. untie me, then hit me. ‘’ _Saying this was a deadly mistake, because physically; Alexei was way stronger than Izaya. Mentally, he was dangerously frail._

On Izaya’s words, a flashback flashed in Alexei’s mind.

 

_Russia._

_‘’ Be a man Alexei…be a man and get up. Face your father._ давай! ‘’

_The white snow, the blood, a leather belt hitting mercilessly on his back_

_‘’ You need to get stronger, Alexei. Come on, count!.’’_

 

 _-‘’_ один…’’

 

 

Izaya really shoot him from _there._ Didn’t he?

Alexei untied Izaya’s wrists.

* * *

 

 

 

And Izaya did managed to land a couple of powerful punches on Alexei when he untied him. But then Alexei regained his attention and took Izaya by the hair, then harshly knocked the boy’s skull couple of times to the metal of the bedpost. Without letting his hair go, he stilled the now slightly dizzy Izaya with his other arm;

   -‘’ I told you.. I told you to stop, Izaya’’ Izaya squirmed to escape from the lion’s grip. Alexei’s arms shook with anger.  
   -‘’ Two can play this game… Alexei’’ Clenching his teeth, Izaya dug his nails into Alexei’s arm that was stilling him.

 

Alexei grabbed Izaya’s neck then pinned him onto the bed. ‘’- Be a man ha..?’’ He lost his control and punched Izaya’s liver. Izaya immediately lost his breath and gasped in pain.  Alexei stopped the other’s squirming once again;

   -‘’ Look at me, Izaya’’ Alexei slapped Izaya’s face. ‘’ Look at me.’’ And Izaya did. Their eyes met and Izaya, without giving a f. to the world anymore, mockingly grinned at Alexei;  
   -‘’ If you were that good as an informant, you would know that I am used to getting beaten..up’’ Izaya screamed and kicked Alexei with all his strength.

 

_Everything would feel like a war area with Alexei, you would feel the blood in your nails and you would scream wildly for triumph._

_The primal instinct of fear and self-preservation_.

But Izaya was done with all..

 

and Alexei beat him. He beat him _hard_. Izaya was lying on the bed, half-conscious, whimpering silently, when Alexei finally crouched beside him, panting from all the struggle. He looked at Izaya’s limp figure and immediately regretted what he did. But Izaya didn’t, despite the damage. _Alexei lost his control there, and Izaya made him lose it_. Some frustrated tears wet Alexei’s cheeks and he brought his scratched and trembling hand on Izaya’s hair. ‘’- Izaya… oh god.. ‘’ He cried, _after all those years_.

   -‘’ Y-..you..’r pathetic.., Alexei’’ Izaya mumbled unconsciously. Then the darkness took him.

 

 

Ch 10.2 : _I had no one, ever…_

_Voices…voices,voices,voices._

_-‘’ Izaya.. I can’t.. I can’t take this man anymore… I am leaving..’’_  
_-’' –Ne, onii-san can we eat from those blueberry-_

_Cupcakes..? Yes._

 

 _-_ _‘’ You hear me Izaya?, you are- ‘’_

_Useless..? Okay, father._

_Nine-thousand yellow butterflies caressed Izaya’s broken body._

 

_-‘’ You were good, beautiful..’’_

 

_The Red Dragon will go down_

_The Red Dragon will go down_

_The Red Dragon will_

_Go,_

_Down._

* * *

 

 

 

Izaya opened his eyes. He was aching all over, and a throbbing in his head was making his vision blurry.

For some time, he struggled to think. But when he finally managed to set his brain to work; he first internally recited his name, his age, blood type… _No trauma, good._ With small motions, but without getting up, he looked around and decided that he was alone.

He really wanted to sleep..

His eyes slowly closed again…

 

_The Red Dragon will go down._

No.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Izaya limped. He limped past the fancy cars and neon lights, ignored the whispers of the transvestites behind his back, _‘’ wasn’t he working for the Chinese? …What happened to him? …F*ck, someone really wrecked him, right? Natalie? ‘’_ and refused to collapse when his being threatened to. He ignored his own agonized weepings and stopped only when an urge to vomit united with the night’s dopesick wind. He put some of his weight to the poorly painted walls, and limped.

_How did he even got out? He remembered crawling onto the floor…searching for his phone.. the rest..was black. But he did._

‘’ _The Red Dragon will go down’’_ He murmured to himself without feeling his own _self_ anymore.

The moon needed a fix, Izaya saw no stars when he looked up to catch his breath. The chained ghosts were lying on the alleys, with a needle on their arms,  they were chained to the earth. _The moon is an addict._

Under the light of a familiar streetlight, fireflies and butterflies greeted him.

Izaya gave up right there..

* * *

 

 

 

    -‘’ _…Iz_ …Izaya. Izaya! Oh Jesus.. Honey open your eyes, please. Yes.. like that, come on..’’ When Izaya opened his eyes once again, he felt Haruki’s hand, brushing his hair gently, _like it was going to help_. Izaya’s first thought was;

 

    -‘’ –Ne Haruki..H-How the fuck you’re always here…?’’ His voice was pitiably quiet.  
    -‘’ Because my house is near. Did Alexei do this to you? Don-t close your eyes.., look at me’’ Hearing the uttered name, Izaya’s lips curved into a tired smile;  
    -‘’ I think.. I broke him Haruki.’’ A laugh escaped from his chopped lips, followed with a hiss of pain. Haruki felt genuinely sorry for the boy;  
    -‘’ I think, babe, he broke _you_. The man is an ex-boxer, but what did you said to him? This is..’’ Haruki was at loss for words. But _pure violence_ was what he was seeing. Seeing this wasn’t unusual for this street, for the people working in this street, though.  
    -‘’ Haruki.. listen.. take my phone and c—ah‘’ Izaya groaned with sudden pain when he tried to grab his phone out from his pocket.  
    -‘’ No.. no.. Stay here, I’ll come back’’ Haruki pushed Izaya gently back to the cold iron of the streetlight.

 

 _Like I have a choice…_ Izaya thought and his eyes followed a yellow butterfly flying carelessly, _hallucinative-ly.._

Izaya remembered hearing his mother’s voice in his dream.. Where was she now?, was she alive?, in an hospital or an asylum? Or was she in streets like his son?

 _I miss you, mother…_ His attention then swifted to Haruki; who came back with a needle and a tourniquet in his hands, and sat next to him. Izaya tried to pull his arm back when Haruki took his arm and rolled up his sleeve;

    -‘’ –Don’t. What is that even?’’  
    -‘’ It will take the pain away, and I will take you home. It’s clean, trust me.’’  
    -‘’ Oh shut the f-‘’  
    -‘’ Okay don’t trust me, makes sense, just give me your arm.’’

 

Izaya let him. He watched as Haruki pushed the needle into his untouched veins, and the blood formed a _Chinese flower_ inside the needle. He desperately needed to call Li; but when the effect of the drug started to sing lullabies to him, Izaya just listened to himself.

 

 _-‘’ Okay now, put your weight on me..try to take a step..’’_  
_-’' No- don’t fall, we’re near, come on._ The voices, the lights, and the scenes were all intermittent to Izaya. The only thing he _sharply_ felt was the way too fresh air of the night. It hurt his lungs.

_-'’ Here we are..Let me find your keys now. ‘’_ Haruki searched inside Izaya’s ruby-red backpack and he found the keys.

Now.. Their entrance wasn’t most quiet one, so Haruki came face to face with Mairu and Kururi’s sleepy faces when he tried to take Izaya to the bedroom. Haruki smiled at them and spoke calmly;

    -‘’ Now girls..your brother is a little hurt so show me his room, so I can lay him down onto his bed.’’

Still kind of sleeping, Mairu rubbed her eyes and lazily pointed at the door beside them, Kururi on the other hand, opened her eyes bigger and asked;

    -‘’ What happened to Iza-nii?’’ They were both scared after focusing more on their brother’s bruised cheek, his swollen lip and bloody forehead.  
    -‘’ Okay.. I will explain, stay here’’ Haruki replied quickly then got into Izaya’s room and laid him down onto the bed. He didn’t pay attention to boy’s mumbling and whispered ‘’ Honey, I need to make up a story to your sisters before they are traumatised forever, sorry. I will be right back.’’ _A line of C. would help so much right now._ He returned to twin sisters;  
    -‘’ Now let’s go to your room, come on. We don’t want to wake your brother up right? ‘’

 

* * *

 

 

   -‘’ Sometimes..girls..people fight. It’s like a sport, honestly..’’  
   -‘’ What?’’  
   -‘ _’Did father do this to Iza-nii?’’_

 

 _Father..ha._ A sad expression crawled on Haruki’s face and filled the silence. _He didn’t needed to know the whole story, no one needed to_. ‘’ – No..’’ He pulled the blankets to cover the girls. ‘’ …This wasn’t father, girls. But your nii-san needs you right? So you need to be strong..’’ The twins nodded. ‘’ ..Good, so..’’

 

It took him half an hour to put them to sleep, but Haruki finally came back and settled beside Izaya’s still mumbling body. ‘’ – Why aren’t you sleeping Izaya?’’ Haruki leaned in to hear him more clearly;

    -‘’ _Li_ … _the dragon..’’_  
_-‘’_ What happened to Li, Izaya?’’ Haruki asked;  
_-‘’ I need to..call him.. call-’’_  
_-‘’_ But why?’’ No answer. Great.

 

Taking Izaya’s phone, Haruki decided to give it a go. The Chinese were usually kind and if Izaya was good enough, they would help. So he called Li. The phone rang two times before opening;

    -‘’ Yes?’’  
    -‘’ Li-san, with great respect, I am sorry to disturb you this late in the night..I am Izaya’s friend and.. I called to say…that.., he could use a little _assistance_ right now..’’ _Help him. This was what Haruki was trying to say._

 

On the other side of Ikebukuro, Li leaned in towards his desk. _The rumours are true then.._

_Couple of hours ago two of his guys came to him and informed him about a boy that was ‘’beaten hard and wandering’’ in the harlotry street. ‘’ He looked like that Japanese boy, boss.’’ They also added._

    -‘’ How bad is it ? ‘’  
   -‘’ It is.. pretty bad, Li-san’’  
   -‘’ I see.. Give his address to me and I will send over an underground doctor. ‘’  
   -‘’ Thank you Li-san’’ With beaming eyes, Haruki gave the address to Li. Li wrote the adress on a piece of paper.  
   -‘’ Okay. I got it. Now.. Haruki, right? Listen to me. I will be going back to China for a… considerable amount of time. When Izaya feels well, take him to the Awakusu-Kai headquarters, and introduce him to Haruya Shiki, I will inform him about you and Izaya. Be smart, and get yourselves out of that s*hit hole that you call life You understand?’’  
   -‘’ Yes. ‘’ _But it’s too late for me Li-san.._ Haruki looked at Izaya. _Why are you reminding me of..him…Izaya?_  
   -‘’ Abayo, then.’’ Li hung up.

 

One hour later, seeing the eccentric doctor standing at the door, Haruki wondered if he accidently got high. _I didn’t shoot anything today..right?_ The doctor introduced himself as ‘’ Kishitani Shingen ‘’. He never heard that name before. But he seemed like a good doctor so… _whatever?_

 

‘’ I am not seeing anything particularly dangerous. But if he feels…. And if …….. happens…’’ Haruki’s attention span lowered more and more with every second without a drug. So when the doctor left, Haruki retrieved a piece of paper and a pen from the kitchen –and he took some sugar from the container- and wrote what was left in his brain from the things the doctor said and put the paper on the drawer next to Izaya.

He then quietly left.

 

 

Ch 10.3 : Salvation

 

How ironic to wake up to the wonderful chirping of the birds outside your window, when your whole body is stiff and you feel like vomiting. _Shut up_. He wanted to yell at them, but as a machine, his brain was so fuzy so he only thought about yelling at them.

 _How did I got here?_  Izaya felt like a methaporical truck hit him, several times. The memories of his awful beating came flying into his brain. The rest...not yet. He turned his head and saw a piece of paper and  his phone lying on the drawer next to his bed. _His phone._

With a distressing struggle, Izaya managed to take his phone into his hands and called Li. One-two-Izaya’s heartbeat quickened. Thr-;

    -‘’ Are you awake, Izaya? ‘’ On the other line, Li greeted him with a calm voice. Confused, but absolutely manic, Izaya started talking. _Why there were tears in his eyes, not now. Smile.;_  
    -‘’ Li-san.. Are you alright? I, I heard something about you..I mean-‘’ The ceiling spun in front of Izaya’s eyes, making him struggle to stick the sentences together.  
    -‘’ Calm down, Izaya. Do you remember about last night? ‘’ _What is going on?_  
    -‘’ Nothing much.. I.. don’t remember getting home.’’ An acid was burning Izaya’s stomach and throat.  
    -‘’ Your friend..Haruki, brought you home. He then called me, and I sent over an underground doctor last night. The doctor called me afterwards, it seems like you were beaten up quite a bit, but nothing life-threatening was going on. Try to rest, and eat more.’’ Izaya brought the back of his free hand on his spilling tears. Haruki ha? He started to remember..;  
    -‘’ Li-san.. I heard, someone was after you. ‘’  
    -‘’ That happens in our ‘occupation’ quite a lot. I am now flying to China, and I can say that I am relatively safe. Listen to me, Izaya. I’ve arranged a meeting for you.  Get well quickly, then Haruki will bring you to Haruya Shiki-an important guy in Awakusu-Kai group- whenever you’re ready. Be smart, and impress Shiki with your brain, he has nothing to do with your other parts, you understand right? ‘’  
    -‘’ Y- yes..’’  
    -‘’ Good. I have to go now, see you then?’’  
    -‘’ Thank you, Li-san’’

 

After the phone call, Izaya reached out towards the drawer once again and took the paper. The hiragana –really there was no Kanji- on the paper was far… far away from being neat but Izaya somehow read it;

 

‘’ _Yoo, It’s me, Haruki. So the doctor said if you felt dizzyness and if you vomited blood –I don’t remember the rest- don’t hesitate to call him. His number is on the back. Get well ^^._

_Ps. I took some of your sugar on my way out. ‘’_

 

Izaya couldn’t help but laugh, there were just too many emotions twirling inside him.. It was unbearable..

 

The door opened, and Izaya turned to see his sisters entering in, silently.  Stepwise, they climbed onto the bed and waited for their brother to say something.

With a tired and forced smile, Izaya lifted his strained right arm, and gently put his hand to first Mairu’s, then Kururi’s head. ‘’- Good morning Kururi, Mairu.’’

The twins started crying. Well, if you were seven, and saw your brother bloodied and beaten up the night before, you would cry too… They cried because they knew _something_ was wrong, but they were just too little to understand..

    -‘’ Ssh…’’ Izaya made some weak soothing noises while wiping away their tears. ‘’ Have you forgotten about our agreement? You weren’t going to cry for me remember? , right, Mairu? ‘’ The twins nodded.

 

They did have an agreement made back in _that house._

_‘’ Promise me, you are not going to cry for me okay Mairu, Kururi? There is nothing to be afraid of. I am not scared, and you shouldn’t be too, okay? ‘’_

     -‘’ Okay come here… ‘’ Carefully, Izaya slid towards the edge of the bed, and patted on the bed.

 

The three squeezed into the bed and Izaya caressed his sister’s hair, in turns;

    -‘’ –Ne nii-san, the man from last night..’’ Mairu started the sentence, but she was immediately cut by Izaya’s defensive voice;  
    -‘’ Did he do anything to you? ‘’  
    -‘’ He told us that he had a brother somewhere away..’’ Kururi completed Mairu’s sentence;  
    -‘’…and he sang us a song..’’  
    -‘’ but we didn’t understand. But it was beautiful. Right, Kururi?’’  
    -‘’Yes..’’ Kururi replied quietly.  
    -‘’ I see..’’ Izaya murmured. _A brother ha? How interesting. Humans are really interesting.._

 

They slept till midday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Faun- Der König von Thule is the song Haruki sang to the twins.


	11. Mint Chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw yis. So... This week was my exam week, also an heavy rain hit our town and there was a flood in our house and I wrote this chapter while sweeping away the rain water in my brother's room. Nice, right?
> 
> This chapter started off as a little dull but it gets better.  
> and from here we will sail to the Shizaya relationship, and how it started and all that...
> 
> Lemme give you a music for the Ch 11.3: Mint ; 40' by Franz Ferdinand  
> and Granville - Le Slow
> 
> notes; '' Wie geht es euch '' How are you in German, but the plural version.  
> '' Yoroshiku onegai shimasu '' ; Something like nice to meet you but like ''I am pleased to meet you let's be good together and take care after each other '' *nice dictionary again*  
> I will proof-read this sometime...oh by the way, I would like to thank every one of you who read this fic up to this point, I will not waste your time in the future too, thank you ! :)

Ch 11: An Empty Heart

 

_Orihara Izaya’s Diary;_

_12/05/….. - Monday_

_It seems like I’m falling. I’m falling down and I feel like I’m choking in an endless pit. I’m waking up at 3.00 a.m. in the night; startled and afraid for no reason. Then also, I’m sleeping off the days… Even the most basic activities tire me. I know I need to be there for my sisters, but I feel like an empty shell. It’s so tiring and it hurts without hurting. A feeling with such cruelty.. Alexei is not calling anymore._

_I want to end it all…_

_13/05/…. – Tuesday_

_I took R. today. It’s heavy, but works._

_14/05/…. – Wednesday_

_Haruki texted me. He wants to take me to that Shiki guy. I don’t know if I can trust him; Hell, can I trust anyone? Everything feels like a threat. I’m in so much fear all the time. Maybe I should have let father do… those things…to me; maybe I shouldn’t have left the house._

_But no… He is sick and he would hurt Mairu and Kururi too, eventually. I’m so lost. What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? A yellow butterfly keeps appearing in my dreams, sometimes I see it on my side too…_

_I want to end it all.._

* * *

 

 

   -‘’ Ne- Kururi why is onii-san talking to himself? ‘’ Mairu stopped listening to their brother’s whispers that are coming from his room and looked at her twin sister;  
   -‘’ Butterflies ‘’ Kururi’s answer was silent and simple.

 

* * *

 

 

_15/05/….. – Thursday_

_Apparently, I lost the count of the sleeping pills I took and scared my sisters. They thought I died. I hate myself for making them sad. I need to heal; but I fail to leave the bed, If I leave the bed, I find myself lying on the couch all day; just like my father. I hate myself._

_Haruki texted today too._

_16/05/….. – Friday_

_I hate the scars on my body._

* * *

 

Izaya spent that day sitting on the bathroom tiles and looking at himself in the mirror.

 

* * *

 

_17/05/…. – Saturday_

_I’m constantly losing more weight. The rent day is near. If I don’t go to Haruya Shiki, I will need to start going on jobs again. But who would want me anymore? That f. bastard not only scarred my soul but also fucked up my body even more. It hurts to look—_

_‘’…In the mirror’’_  Hearing the bell rang, Izaya stopped writing. _Who this could be?_ He let his heart beat faster out of instinct and dragged his feet to the door. ‘’ -Who is it? ‘’

   -‘’ It’s Ha-ru-ki ‘’ An high pitched voice answered from the other side of the door. _. right.._ Izaya opened the door. ‘’ What do you—‘’  
   -‘’ Want? , Honey, it’s rude not to text back to the girl who will lead you the way of salvation’’ _Dilated pupils, slightly trembling hands… He is high isn’t he?_  
   -‘’ Don’t complete my sentences. The fuck is a way of salvation anyway? And you’re not—‘’  
   -‘’ A girl?- ‘’ Haruki pushed the door together with Izaya, and let himself in. ‘’who cares about gender anymore?’’ He closed the door with a smirk.

    -‘’ Don’t comp—fuck, whatever. ‘’ Izaya exhaled, then crossed his arms over his chest and continued ‘’ I’m not feeling well enough to meet him. ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh… don’t tell me your ‘stupid’ is acting up again ‘’ Haruki’s manic and slightly nasal voice was too energetic for Izaya. No, _Haruki’s whole being was too much for Izaya._

 

‘’ F—‘’ Izaya’s mouth opened to tell a big ‘’ fuck off ‘’ to Haruki, but Mairu and Kururi ran towards them and so, Izaya instantly shut his mouth.

 

    -‘’ Ah, girls! _Wie geht es euch?_ I taught you that phrase, right? You remember?’’ Haruki smiled and playfully knelt in front of them. Obviously happy to see Haruki, the twins replied cheerfully;  
_-‘’Mir geht es gut.’’_  
_Gut! ‘’_ Haruki clapped his hands twice. Izaya, now so done with everything, closed his eyes and started counting to ten.  
_-'’_ You taught them German? ‘’  
_-’_  'Just a couple of phrases. ‘’ Haruki answered and stood up while sending the twins back to the couch. He then glanced towards Izaya and examined him;

 

    -‘’ Well… your face looks fine. Apart from the dark circles, bruises and the overall unhealthy look, of course. Besides, I already got an appointment and if we don’t go tod—‘’

 

 _-Wait…_ ‘’ You did what!? ‘’ Izaya barked and grabbed the collar of Haruki’s white shirt. Then he looked towards his sisters –whom were quite baffled by their brother’s sudden outburst- and regretted immediately. ‘’ – Come with me ‘’ Izaya grabbed Haruki’s wrist instead and pulled him to the bedroom. He slammed the door with his foot and without releasing Haruki’s wrist, asked again;

  

    -‘’ You did what? ‘’ Instead of answering, Haruki swiftly freed himself from Izaya’s grasp – he was way experienced in this, much to Izaya’s surprise- and banged the other one to the wall harshly. Izaya hissed with instant pain in his back. Haruki leaned in towards Izaya’s face and let his mask drop;

 

   -‘’ Are you stupid? No one, Izaya, no-one in this job gets an offer like you got-‘’ He jolted Izaya again ‘’No one can touch you if you impress Shiki. Now, why are you deciding to act stupid? Because you are not! ‘’

On that, Izaya slowly dropped his eyes onto the floor like a scolded child, and whispered;

   -‘’ I… don’t want to get hurt again..’’

Seeing the driblets of tear that are hanging on top of Izaya’s lashes, an image flickered in front of Haruki’s eyes;

_‘’ I don’t want you to go, brother ‘’_

Haruki exhaled and released the broken thing. Izaya slumped onto the floor like a lifeless puppet, then took his head between his legs.

‘’ I hope you have something decent to wear ‘’ Haruki didn’t find the energy to high-pitch his voice again and normally spoke while walking towards the closet and opening it. He dug into Izaya’s clothes;

‘’ This- ‘’ After some searching, he grabbed a basic black blazer and shirts ‘’ and this ‘’ and a pair of trousers. He laid them on Izaya’s bed and walked towards Izaya’s hunched figure;

   -‘’ Come on, let’s fix that face up a bit ‘’ Haruki sent a hand to stand him up.  
   -‘’ What? ‘’ Forcefully getting on his feet, Izaya saw Haruki’s baby-blue bag swaying in front of his eyes. He sent a questioning look to Haruki. The other rolled his eyes;  
   -‘’ Just sit on the bed ‘’

And Izaya did what he said; he really had no energy to fight anymore..

 Haruki opened his bag and a considerable amount of makeup products were scattered onto the bed.

 

   -‘’ Is that a lipstick? ‘’ Izaya’s eyes catched a red cylinder object.  
   -‘’ Yes, I work in drag too ‘’ Haruki replied while trying to decide between two bottles of concealer in his hands. He then decided on the lighter one and brought the bottle near Izaya’s face to confirm his decision. With that, Izaya’s weary eyes met with Haruki’s dilated pupils.

Seeing the defeated look in Izaya’s eyes, Haruki slowly lowered the bottle and decided to give him some assurance. He put a hand on Izaya’s knee and spoke calmly;

   -‘’ No one can lay a finger on you, or on your sisters if you can make Shiki take you under his protection. Which is likely, because-‘’ Haruki took a brush and opened the bottle ‘’ First, Li has your back. I, also informed Shiki about the trades and jobs we did, and how you managed to rent an apartment without handing yourself to the cops; So he knows you’re smart.’’ He lifted Izaya’s cheek ‘’ Look up ‘’

 

The liquid was cold and Haruki’s brush tingled Izaya’s face.

Haruki continued on his rambling while working on Izaya’s fading bruises; ‘’ You have to act, Izaya. This is what I do, this is what we all do.’’  Izaya grinned and answered back;

    -‘’ and what are you acting now Haruki? Regret of stabbing someone from the back?  ‘’ That edge in his voice settled itself once again.  
    -‘’ Ah… yes honey, just like that; you’re a natural talent at acting ‘’ Haruki exaggerated his tone and Izaya laughed, -which only gained him a hit on the head by the wooden part of the Haruki’s brush-  
   -‘’ Aow-‘’  
   -‘’ No, baby-face, talk to Shiki like that; and you’re dead.’’

* * *

 

 

Fifteen minutes later when Izaya –in Haruki’s words- was looking like ‘’less of a walking corpse’’; Izaya kissed his sister’s foreheads;

   -‘’ Do-not open the door to anyone, alright? I have my keys, I will be back in a few hours’’ The twins nodded and Izaya thanked a random deity for giving him such good sisters.

Then they left the house.

 

* * *

 

 

When they arrived to Awakusu-Kai headquarters, Haruki escorted Izaya until they were in front of Haruya Shiki’s office. Haruki gave a little squeeze on Izaya’s shoulder;

   -‘’ I will wait for you at the park ‘’  
   -‘’ What, aren’t you coming too? ‘’

On Izaya’s question, Haruki scratched his hair with a distressed look on his face. ‘’Well… I kind of sold shit in their area so they don’t really like me-’’ He sent a look to the bodyguard waiting by the door and the guard confirmed with an intimidating nod ‘’ Besides, I’m not full-blooded Japanese like you. So..’’ He ruffled Izaya’s hair. ‘’ See ya. ‘’

   -‘’ O…kay’’

 

 

* * *

 

Ch 11.1: An Empty Soul

 

Entering, Izaya first felt the familiar heavenly power that filled the room. His eyes quickly scanned the room; and that did not escaped from The Yakuza Executive’s attention;

_Such working brain hidden behind those drained eyes.._

Shiki extended a hand towards Izaya and two hands united in a firm handshake;

   -‘’ Thank you for accepting me, Shiki-san ‘’ Izaya tried to appear as calm as possible. _I can’t mess this up._ His brain was overworking again, _everything had to run smoothly._  
   -‘’ Please-‘’ Shiki gestured towards the brown leather armchairs in front of the large chestnut desk. They sat opposite to each other ‘’-Li spoke very sincerely of you.’’  Izaya only listened; _Because Haruki’s ‘sermons’ were still in his ear;_

 

_‘’First, babe, don’t reply with that sarcastic tone of yours,_

_Don’t say anything until you’re asked something,_

_Don’t interrupt him…_

_And Dont-‘’ Haruki hit Izaya’s back ‘’ hunch your back ‘’_

   -Haruya Shiki continued on talking; ‘’Li wants me to take you under my protection. That can be done. I can send you and your sisters to school, I can guarantee you a future. Everything can be done with enough money, if not; with enough connections-’’ Izaya nodded. Shiki put his elbows on his knees and lowered his body; ‘’ But what can you not get with money or connection is, _trust_. Let’s get straight to the point. Can I trust you, Orihara Izaya? ‘’

Unlike Alexei, Haruya Shiki’s firm being wasn’t intimidating to Izaya; he only felt a strange… respect towards the man. So he decided to play honest;

   -‘’ You see, Shiki-san, I am nobody. Even if you trust me, I can not harm you excessively. But if I trust you, you can… hurt me, or my sisters easily. With all respect, I think I should ask… Can _I_ , trust you? ‘’

Hearing the boy’s bold response, Shiki’s lips converted into a half smile. _Good…_ Izaya didn’t broke the eye contact and silently drained his crazy-beating heart forever.

_At that second, he wasn’t a useless kid, or a drug addict, or a street worker. He was Orihara Izaya, a seventeen year old boy, who, throughout his life, only had his nails to dig himself a livelihood…_

Shiki’s answer came after a little silence;

   -‘’ No… you can’t trust me personally. Only if I offer you a job; and now, I will offer you one…’’

 

* * *

 

 

_Scene cuts to the park where Haruki is sitting on a bench and watching kids play._

His veins were burning with the drugs he took earlier; and his being; _with fear_.

He had thought this all-over, many times. Introducing Izaya to Shiki… and he was aware of the consequences waiting for him.

So he silently got into Alexei’s car when he pulled up beside him.

 

 

* * *

 

_Back in Shiki’s office, where both Izaya and Shiki are pleased with each other._

   -‘’ Let’s talk about details then… How old are you? ‘’

Out of habit, Izaya’s mouth parted to say ‘eighteen’ but seeing it coming, Shiki added; ‘’ –Don’t lie’’

‘’ I became seventeen the last month. ‘’ Izaya exhaled.

 _Seventeen, and already in that psychopath’s pawn…_ Even the slightest thought of Alexei irritated Shiki. But he knew about his doings; and he wanted to see how far that bastard informant went with the boy sitting across him;

   -‘’ Take off your shirt ‘’ _It was simple, wasn’t an order, just a simple request._

 

Izaya remembered Haruki’s words again; _‘’ He might want to check if you have any tattoos or something…Even if you’re directed by Li, they’re still two seperate Yakuzas you see…? ‘’_   _No rats._

So Izaya lowered his eyes to his knees and started taking his shirt off. Shiki stood up and gave his attention to the calligraphy decorating the grey-ish walls,  until the boy was finished.

 

When he looked back, Shiki’s brows furrowed slightly. He walked towards Izaya, and without touching him, examined the tragedy that is carved onto the boy’s young skin.  ‘’ -Did that fucker do these to you? ‘’ Shiki wasn’t the cursing type, but the sentence fell randomly this time;

 _Who could that ‘’fucker’’ be… oh.._ The boy answered;‘’- Not all of them, some of it are my father’s work ‘’ _Izaya wasn’t scared or embarassed at this point. He just couldn’t ‘’mess anything up ‘’. He only felt an unmeasurable hatred towards Alexei._

Shiki sighed ‘’ Monsters really do live inside us…’’

Izaya looked at his slightly fisted hands and stayed silent against the murmured sentence.

 

   -‘’ You can dress. Do you have a list of all your customers? ‘’

 

 

* * *

 

_And dear reader; Monsters do live inside us._

_The scene is in Alexei’s mansion now._

_The burning fireplace, and the texture of the scarlet red divan. The snake glides near Haruki’s face, and lights the red. The red is in the floor, red is in the air, the red lies inside Alexei’s ice-blue orbs. The blood drips…_

_Alexei takes a long piece from Haruki’s dark blond hair, and twirls it in his fingers;_

_‘’ You have beautiful hair…’’ The blood drips into Haruki’s ear…_

_The red of the fireplace reflects on Haruki’s tears and the scene cuts to Haruya Shiki’s office once again._

* * *

 

  
_-’' …If anyone comes to you to do wrong, or if you need anything, you can call me.’’_

After the meeting, Izaya went to the park that Haruki mentioned. _But_ _the druggie wasn’t in sight._

 _‘’ He must have gone somewhere to take a hit ‘’_  Izaya thought and decided to walk back home to his sisters.

He also stopped by the convenience store and did some shopping. He bought loved blueberry cupcakes as an apology to his sisters; _For not being completely ‘there’ for weeks… for everytime I made you cry… for everytime I scared you._

_I will heal; I promise._

 

But the universe seemed to hold an hate towards him..

 

 

* * *

 

_1:00 AM at night, the same day_

_-‘’ I looked for you at the park but you weren’t there. So I went home. You fine? ‘’_ This was Izaya’s text that he sent to Haruki; _six hours ago.._

 

_Many things could happen to a drug addict. An overdose, bad quality stuff, being busted by the cops… Possibilities were unnerving._

Something was wrong and it bothered Izaya without giving itself a name… So he decided to stop furrowing his eyebrows and went out to find Haruki.

 

_Under the familiar streetlight, fireflies and butterflies were wandering carelessly with their specks of light._

_‘’ His house was near’’_  but Izaya didn’t know the exact address. There were four old buildings in this slum area.

He also tried calling Haruki couple of times. No answer. ‘’Fuck ‘’, he cursed under his breath and wrapped his fingers on his jacket. The wind was cruel at night. _What do I do?_

   -‘’ _…yes, I told him to take her home but he refused, can you believe this Natalie?_ ‘’

Izaya turned his head and saw two drags stepping out from building just behind the streetlight. _Maybe they know him._ He walked towards them and asked; ‘’- Do you know a guy named Haruki? He works in drag too, I… need to find him ‘’

With his mermaid blue wig and pink dress, ‘’Natalie’’ answered the cute looking boy’s question; ‘’ Yeah, he stays at the room six. But baby who are you? ‘’ The other joined the conversation;

‘’ Yeah, I heard he didn’t like to _play_ with youngsters ‘’ He eyed Izaya from head to toe. Izaya escaped his eyes from him;

   -‘’ I’m… just his friend ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh, I see. ‘’

Izaya bowed slightly, then ran upstairs to the sixth room.

 

Ch 11.2 : Monsters

 

The door wasn’t locked, Izaya just had to slightly push it, and it opened with scratchy sounds. ‘’ –Haruki? ‘’ Izaya felt an urge to lower his voice when he started walking in the ratty room. The only source of light was a bedside lamp. Specks of dust were dancing inside the room. Izaya swallowed… ‘’ – Haruki ? ‘’

   -‘’ Please go away Izaya ‘’ Haruki’s hoarse voice was terrifyingly familiar to Izaya _. Another possibility was added to the list now; and it was horrifying. No…_

Seeing Haruki’s lying figure, Izaya ran towards the craggy and dirty looking bed. The lying one’s back was turned to Izaya, and a thin grey sheet was covering his shoulders.;

   -‘’ Haruki, what happened, tell me, please’’ Izaya put his hand on Haruki’s shoulder to turn his face, but the other one resisted;  
   -‘’ Nothing, just, leave. ‘’ Haruki pulled the sheets even more to cover himself, but Izaya saw it;

 

And his lips parted in shock. Tears followed the sight,

_Half of Haruki’s hair was burnt._

   -‘’ Oh my God… ‘’ Izaya whispered in a shaky breath and touched the burnt ends of Haruki’s once long dark-blond hair with his now trembling fingers; ‘’ – Did he do this to you? ‘’ Izaya jolted Haruki from his naked shoulders and yelled ‘’ Haruki tell me, did Alexei do this to you? ‘’ He then lost it there and put his head onto Haruki’s shoulder. He sobbed ‘’ Please, Haruki, tell me ‘’ _This was way out of line. This was inhuman. This was horror right in front of Izaya’s eyes._

_Couple of chess pieces fell onto the metaphysical floor in Izaya’s mind._

 

Haruki couldn’t listen to Izaya’s heart-wrenching crying any longer so he answered;

    -‘’ I deserved it- ‘’ He finally turned and his blue orbs connected with Izaya’s deep-red ones that were glazing with little crystals. Haruki put a hand on the crying one’s cheek ‘’ I took his most beloved toy from his hands. ‘’

Seeing the faint smile on Haruki’s lips, Izaya sniffed once and asked ‘’ How can you say something like this? No one can deserve something like this. He is a monster, damn it ‘’

On that, Haruki murmured a ‘’yes ‘’ and turned his face again.  A silence was filled with Izaya’s little sobs and sniffs. Haruki hated when a _kid_ cried near him. It reminded him of his brother; _and their last encounter._

_‘’ How many years have passed, Karl? ‘’_

 

 _-‘_ ’ Ne- Izaya- ‘’ Haruki fixed his eyes to the worn graffiti on the wall, ‘’Do you think you can forgive me? ‘’ He asked.

 

Izaya lowered his head. _No, he couldn’t._ He wasn’t the type that says ‘’ Okay, I forgive you, I will forget everything… ‘’ Even if Haruki helped him. He just couldn’t. But…

 

   -‘’ Yes.. I forgive you ‘’

 

And It was that second Izaya realized that he wanted revenge. He wanted to burn Alexei. _He wanted to kill him;_

_It was that second Izaya decided to be an informant._

 

   -‘’ Ne- Haruki-‘’ Izaya traveled a hand on Haruki’s hair. ‘’ Let me cut your hair. I cut my sister’s hair all the time. Just the edges. ‘’  
   -‘’ Hm... you can? , Okay I guess ‘’

 

* * *

 

Izaya opened the curtains to let the moonlight in while Haruki found a pair of scissors from the neighbors.

Then Haruki smoked a joint while Izaya cut his hair;

   -‘’ I heard from my sisters that you have a brother? ‘’ A whispery conversation started between them.  
   -‘’ Hm..? Yes. He was in Germany the last time I saw him. In a city called Weimar. Do you know there? ‘’  
   -‘’ The author Goethe have lived there for a while right? I only know that… ‘’ Sound of the scissors clipping echoed in the room.  
   -‘’ It’s a cute place…’’ The smoke seemed to untie Haruki’s tongue even more. He exhaled and changed the topic ‘’ So are you going back to school? ‘’

 

Despite the sadness surrounding them, Izaya’s eyes gleamed when he heard the word ‘school’; ‘’-Yes’’ he answered excitedly, ‘’ I will go to Raira Academy and my sisters to--- ‘’

Haruki’s lids were slowly closing due to the high. His bones were tired, his being was tired. But for some reason he felt happy for the boy; ‘’.. great ‘’ He murmured.

   -‘’ Ne- Haruki, can I borrow that thing you put on my face today ? ‘’ Izaya finished his job and put the scissors onto the nightstand.  
   -‘’ Yep- ‘’ Haruki stood up and threw himself to the bed ‘’ You can ‘’

 

 

_And…_

_This wasn’t a new beginning for Izaya._

_He was walking on pieces of glass with his bare feet._

_But he was the sycamore tree._

_Izaya acted; always, always, always, always_

_The sun saw the pain lying deep within his eyes; the sun saw the red crying, and the sun heard it’s screams… But how everything was silent and calm around the red?_

_Izaya acted, just like Haruki said._

_And the sun couldn’t do anything but to watch the deepest ocean drown itself._

Ch 11.3 : Mint

Today certainly wasn’t the first day of school for the rest of the students in Japan, but it was for Izaya and his sisters.

 

Izaya got up early, prepared a satisfying breakfast, ironed the girl’s old uniforms and his casual clothes –he didn’t had the time to buy the uniform of Raira Academy- and then went to the girl’s shared bedroom.

He stood there in the doorway for some time and listened to the ghostly silence of the house while watching his sister’s peacefully sleeping faces. Couple of cars were riding down the road, and the birds were chirping their unconscious melodies to the skies. Izaya smiled a little;

   -‘’ Mairu, Kururi, wake up. We’re going to school today, remember? ‘’

Kururi immediately opened her eyes and slowly sat up on the bed. She looked at his brother and his brother nodded back. Kururi threw an elbow to Mairu’s oddly lying and still sleeping figure and murmured to her; ‘’ Wake up . ‘’

Izaya laughed and prepared to leave the room; ‘’ -Wash your faces and eat breakfast. Do you want me to help you putting your clothes on? ‘’ As an answer, he got a shake of head as in ‘’no’’ from Kururi. ‘’- Quick then…’’

Izaya went to his own room to dress. He took off his cotton pajamas and then took the lotion standing on his nightstand. It was from the doctor that tend Izaya’s wounds that day… _what_ _was his name?_ He didn’t remember but he poured some in his hands and rubbed it on his chest and arms. A strong smell of mint chocolate filled the room. Izaya then wore a red top and black pants and took the concealer he borrowed from Haruki.

He turned his face to see Mairu and Kururi eating breakfast while walking towards the bathroom. When inside, he leaned in towards the mirror and put some concealer on his cheek –the bruise was barely there but Izaya didn’t wanted to get any looks from people, you can never know-. His left eyebrow raised slightly when he saw how pale his lips looked. He sighed; _Maybe I should have borrowed something for that too.._ He closed the bottle and went to the kitchen to pack his sister’s lunches. He spoke while wrapping a sheet on the teddy-bear shaped lunch boxes;

   -‘’ I will take you from school so wait for me okay? . And oh, we will meet with someone today after school. Um.. He might seem frightening but he really isn’t. Be good at school, alright? ‘’ The twins nodded. ‘’-Okay go dress now ‘’ Izaya sent the girls to their bedroom and yelled behind them ‘’ Yell if you need help ‘’

 

* * *

 

They left the house and took a bus to the twin’s elementary school

 _-’ 'Please say a hello from us to Shiki-san, he helped a lot when we were in trouble ‘’_ Chiaki Fujiwara, or Chiaki-sensei said this after Izaya introduced himself and his sisters to her.  
_-‘’ I will. Thank you again Chiaki-sensei’’_ Izaya bowed with respect and started walking towards the Raira Academy.

 

* * *

 

Well… He still got some weird looks from the students going inside the building,  thanks to his different attire but Izaya didn’t seemed to care. He gave his attention to the conversation of two girls walking in front of him, while he himself walked towards the principal’s office;

    -‘’Ne- They say Shizu-chan got mad at someone and threw a trash can to a boy the other day ‘’ _.. what a girl, Izaya thought. Oh boy…_ The other girl spoke;  
    -‘’ It’s nothing different. Always the same thing… A monster, right? ‘’  
    -‘’ Right..’’ The shorter girl giggled. _Monster ha… Izaya wanted to laugh at that._

 

He knocked the door before entering to the principal’s office;

    -‘’ Good morning, sir. I’m Orihara Izaya ‘’ He closed the door and bowed. The slightly built and white-haired principal; Akira Haseyama, straightened up in his chair and put a professional smile on his face;  
   -‘’ You’re that boy Shiki-san sent over, right? . Welcome- ‘’ He sat up, ‘’ The class will start in a minute, let me introduce you to your main class teacher. If something happens, you can go to him ‘’

 

 

Izaya bowed for a third time when he was introduced to his class teacher; Tojira Aoyama, a thirty-five year old good looking teacher with a quirk of constantly moving his fingers while talking. He seemed nice though;

   -‘’ Come on let’s get in and then you can introduce yourself to the rest of the class ‘’

After the required saluting, all eyes were stuck to the frail-looking pale boy that stood beside Aoyama-sensei. ‘’ -This is Orihara-kun and he will join our class today. You can introduce yourself ‘’

On teacher’s note Izaya looked at twenty-two people in front of him and talked;

_Be normal.. be normal .. be normal.._

‘’ I’m Orihara Izaya. Um.. I like, observing things and people… _Yoroshiku onegai shimasu’’_  He bowed for the last time today. The teacher symphatetically put his hand on Izaya’s shoulder. ‘’ –Observing ha, interesting. Maybe you can be good friends with Shinra-kun right, Shinra? ‘’ Sitting in the third row, Kishtani Shinra’s eyes gleamed and he lifted a hand to show himself ‘’- Hai, _Yoroshiku_ , Orihara-kun ! ‘’ 

    -‘’ Welcome then. You can sit in the fourth desk by the window in front of Shizuo ‘’ The teacher pointed towards a… _wait what_ , bleached yellow haired boy looking outside the window, obviously weren’t listening until the teacher uttered his name. He then turned his face and saw a really thin and ghostly pale boy walking towards him. The girls in the class whispered and Izaya heard them _‘’-He’s sitting in front of Shizu-chan ‘’ ‘’He better watches out’’ Shizu-chan was a boy? Wow…_ Before sitting down, Izaya gave a little salute to Shizuo with his head. Shizuo just watched while trying to not to get angry at the girls whispering about him… _Always the same thing,_ he thought; _He will too, hate me in a couple of days._

_One with an uncontrollable strenght, the other, obsessed with his own weaknesses._

_One fears his own hands, the other, sees everyone as a threat._

_But both of them; Alone._

 

Shizuo Heiwajima smelled something lingering really nicely-

_Wait what-_

on Orihara Izaya.

 

 

 

His future husband smelled like mint chocolate.


	12. Five Minutes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo It's yo girl; an early chapter Shannyn . So about this chapter... I can say that the first two parts were build-up and the emphasis was in the last part. I kind of liked it, but it's not my best chapter...I'm not sure, but there you go, chapter 12
> 
> I will proof read the last five chapters sometime...

Ch 12: Three Scenes

 

_The same day, after school, the scene is in Kishtani household;_

Kishtani Shinra read the message written on the screen for him; _‘’ How was school today? ‘’_ ,  and his eyes gleamed with their usual manner;

‘’ Ah, my dear Celty!- ‘’ , the boy’s high-pitched voice echoed in the living room and took the attention of Kishtani Shingen; His eccentric father – _look at father take the son_ -,  taking care of a stab wound in the second room. Shinra continued; ‘’ Today, a new student joined to our class; and he told that he ‘liked to observe people and things’.. Just like me, right? ‘’ He joined his hands onto his heart like an actor playing Hamlet.  ‘’-His name is Orihara Izaya. Ah… I want to ask him to join the Biology club tomorrow.’’

 _-‘’ I think you should. Does he seem nice? ‘’_ Celty wrote and showed the screen to Shinra.  
_-’' Well… I didn’t really get to talk with him but…-‘’_

_Orihara Izaya…_ The name was familiar to the doctor. Shingen joined the conversation by yelling from the other room;

   -‘’ Orihara Izaya? I think I treated a boy in the same name couple of weeks ago. ‘’

 

Both Shinra and Celty abruptly turned and gave their attention away to the voice coming from the other room. Intrigued, Shinra got up and walked towards his father.  ‘’-How? ‘’

Kishtani Shingen never was a man with a tight mouth; So he started telling with an excited voice resembling his own son’s;

   -'’ Do you remember the night call I got couple of weeks ago? One of the Chinese I work with asked me to treat a young boy and that’s where I heard the name first. I have to say, the poor boy was quite banged up- ‘’ He put a metal tool into the sink and told his stabbed patient –now fine- to dress up. Then continued; ‘’His drug-dealer friend told me that the boy was a male prostitute – ‘’ Shinra’s eyes got wider on that; An expression of shock settled behind his glasses. His father continued;  ‘’-How sad… Anyways, I later heard that he is now under Shiki’s protection… ‘’

Celty cut Shingen and showed her device on his face, ‘’ _-Shiki-san? What does he have anything to do with him? ‘’_   As a reply, the doctor threw his hands on air. ‘’-Who knows? ‘’

Silently standing next to them, Shinra’s eyes narrowed. _He wanted to learn more…_

* * *

 

 

_The same day, after school, the scene is in now Shizuo Heiwajima’s bedroom;_

 

‘’ Pistol ‘’ from Kazuki Tomokawa was playing on the CD player and Shizuo was lying on the bed, his arms behind his head. He was staring vacantly at the lines and shapes on the ceiling when he heard the door knock;

   -‘’ Come in-‘’ He said while lowering the sound of the music. His brother Kasuka, first, extended his head into the room, then stepped in;  
   -‘’ How was school today, brother? ‘’ Kasuka asked with his usual monotonous voice.

 

Shizuo sat up on the bed to give his brother a space to sit. Thanks to his irrepresible anger, there wasn’t a chair in his room, or anything else besides a bed and a wardrobe. All the CD’s, books and some clothing were scattered on the floor.

   -‘’ Nothing different. Just someone new joined to class- ‘’ Shizuo remembered the new boy’s red eyes that he saw for a fraction of a second. _What the f. are those? Shizuo thought this in that fraction of a second. Then the mint… ‘’-_ Other than that, the same thing.’’ He finished his answer.

 _The same thing. Oh also, I almost broke someone’s arm today._ He really didn’t wanted to talk about that, though.

 

 _-‘’_ A girl? ‘’ Kasuka asked, expressionless as always.  
_-‘’_ Why did you thought that? ‘’ Shizuo questioningly looked at his brother while asking.  
   -‘’ Just… your expression softened for a second while saying ‘someone new’. Well, I wouldn’t judge if- ‘’  
   -‘’ KASUKA!- ‘’ An instantaneous anger caused Shizuo’s voice to rise. But then an instantaneous regret followed it; ‘’ Sorry ‘’, Shizuo released his tightened muscles and mumbled to Kasuka.  
   -‘’ Don’t worry about it, brother. I am just saying, girl or a boy, I wouldn’t judge you. ‘’

 

Shizuo’s teeth clenched again. ‘’ Look, Kasuka, he just sat in front of me and I smelled his minty lotion or perfume whatever the f. that was. He smelled nice and that’s it alright? And his eyes were like… _different_. I didn’t talked to him’’ He abruptly confessed. When he understood what he just said, his eyes slowly dropped onto the mattress. Embarassed, he put his hand on his hair, ‘’ _fuck-‘’;_

 _-‘’_ I mean I appreciate that you are _acceptant_ but it’s nothing like th- ‘’  
_-‘’_ Okay, I understand. Sorry. ‘’ Kasuka averted his eyes from his brother.  
   -‘’ No, you don’t have to say sorry. I…- um… Isn’t the dinner ready yet? ‘’ Shizuo found the solution in changing the topic.  
   -‘’ It is. I actually came to tell you that. ‘’  
   -‘’ Then WHY-‘’ _Okay calm down…_ Shizuo breathed, ‘’okay let’s go eat ‘’

* * *

 

 

Yes, It wasn’t anything like _that_. But even if it was… Shizuo knew, the newcomer was too, eventually going to hate him.

Hate was fine.

_But he was too, going to be scared of him._

 

After the dinner, this thought made Shizuo squeeze his pillow even more. Then he closed his eyes and slept.

* * *

 

 

 

_The same day, after school, at night, the scene is in the kitchen in Izaya’s house;_

Izaya tried to focus on the class notes scattered on the kitchen table. But his mind was at the words Shiki said today when he and the girls went to see him;

_-’' You have to understand Izaya, in this job that I do, you have to be extremely lucky to see your fourties. And that’s why I can’t bring myself to the thought of having a child. But you- ‘’ He put his hand onto Izaya’s shoulder and looked right into his eyes ‘’Aside from the job I gave you, from now on, I am seeing you and your sisters as my fosterlings.’’_

_Saying these, Shiki’s eyes were safe, Shiki’s eyes didn’t had anything to do with mind-games, and Shiki’s eyes weren’t planning anything. On that, Izaya took a step back and gave a bow of respect to Shiki. While straightening up, he swallowed in an attempt to restrain his ready-to-be-spilled tears;_

_-’' I will not let you down, Shiki-san ‘’_

_Shiki nodded and removed one,  just one tear sliding down onto Izaya’s right cheek, ‘’ I know you will not. Always keep your head up. And don’t be afraid anymore, Izaya.’’_

* * *

 

Even the silent memory of the event made Izaya's eyes water. Izaya took his head between his legs and surrendered to the water; _It was so unfamiliar. It was so nice. It was so unfamiliar when something, someone was nice. After all those things…_

 

After some of his strong emotions leaked themselves onto his jeans, Izaya dried his eyes and opened his Chemistry book. He tried to focus on the ‘information bar’ first, because it looked interesting;

 

‘’ Why is gold yellow? … **Special relativity**  changes the energy levels of the  **5d orbital**  in a gold atom so that the energy difference between  **5d and 6s**  orbitals equals the energy of a ‘blue’ photon.  **Gold thus absorbs blue light** …- ‘’ _Gold absorbs blue light…_ Izaya’s attention swifted to his first appearance in school;

 

 _Gold…_ Izaya remembered the fake-blond boy from earlier. He remembered how baffled his eyes looked when Izaya gave a salute him. _Like no one did in a long time._

Well… He _understood_ why…;

 

Before the second class of that day, couple of girls with obvious unkindness in their eyes, and fake nails on their nails came towards him to meet with him. Couple of boys –probably their boyfriends- also followed.

   -‘’ _–Ne Izaya-kun, we can show you around if you want_ ‘’ While listening to the girl’s nasal voice Izaya saw Heiwajima Shizuo walk away from the classroom.  
   -‘’ _Oh, by the way, try to be careful around Shizu-chan. He is a monster. He literally almost threw a student out from the window the other day. ‘’_  
   -‘’ Ah… but don’t you have to be really strong for that? ‘’ Izaya asked while smiling politely.  
   -‘’ _He is. You can ask anyone. ‘’_ Everyone around her nodded with agreement. Izaya’s eyes then catched a short, shy looking girl, obviously waiting to meet with Izaya. The girl saw him and escaped her eyes from him before a blush settled on her cheeks. Izaya sat up and walked to the girl’s direction;  
   -‘’ Would you show me the library? ‘’ He symphatetically asked and gained the immediate antipathy of the ‘mean girls’ standing around him. The girl nodded ‘’ _Yes…_ ’’

 

Well… The equation was simple; ‘’ _neither too close nor too far ‘’._ By hanging out with someone who is withdrawn in the classroom, he will also be seen as withdrawn and afar by others. He wanted to _observe_ people, but _interaction_ was never a necessity.

 

While they were walking in the school hall, Izaya asked the girl her name; ‘’ – _Azumi Kawamoto ‘’_ the girl replied.

   - '' _Azumi-chan then, right? ‘’_  
_-’' Yes...’’_

Their shy conversation turned into a whispery one, but proceeded nevertheless when they were at the library;

   -‘’ – _Ne, Do you know why everybody is so scared of this ‘Shizu-chan’?_ ‘’ Izaya asked without dropping anything from his artificial charisma. The girl escaped her eyes onto the book on the desk before answering;  
   -‘’ _. don’t know more than what everybody knows. But I have seen him punching a student, and the student literally was in the air for a second… I-um ‘’_ She hesitated for a second and Izaya stayed silent to provoke her to continue, ‘’- _I don’t think he’s a bad person, because usually the others tease him first. But still… he is dangerous, Orihara-kun. ‘’_ Danger? He didn’t care about that;  
_-‘’ So you’re saying, he is that strong?’’_  
_-‘’ Yes ‘’_ The girl nodded.

Their conversation ended when the class bell rang.

* * *

 

 

Back in the kitchen, Izaya stretched his arms on the chair then put them behind his head. ‘’ _How would it feel like to be strong as him?_ ‘’ He thought. ‘’ _Well, not so great socially, that’s for sure. But then who needs ‘the social’ when you have the opportunity to just observe the social. ‘’_ His internal monologue was cut by the message sound that came from his phone. Message was from Haruki;

_-‘’ How was the first day of school ^^, and did you went to Shiki again? ‘’_

Izaya replied; ‘’ – _School was interesting. And yes we did. Kururi got scared of him but Mairu was exceptionally clingy. Then he talked to me alone... Shiki-san wants me to quit drugs‘’_ He wrote and waited for a minute until the notification came;

 _-‘’ Well, do you want to use it anymore? ‘’_ Reading that, Izaya turned his eyes to the yellow bottle of pills standing onto the refrigerator.  
_-‘’ No… but I still have some sleep issues. I want to quit R, though..’’_  
_-‘’ Then take it easy. Try to quit by taking less. If the sleep issues continue, you can talk to Shiki and he can take you to an underground doctor. ‘’_ Haruki wrote.  
_-‘’ Ah…Big thanks to the doctor-ish drug addict of our town, Haruki-… wait, what was your surname? ‘’_  
_-‘’ Which one? The fake or the faker one? ‘’_  
_-‘’ The real one, of course…’’_  
_-‘’ Well it has been a long time baby-boy, good night…’’_

_Did he forgot his freaking surname? or maybe he didn’t want to tell it_.

  _Or more likely, he was high writing that…_

‘’ – _Okay, goodnight ‘’_  Izaya wrote and put his phone down. Then he started cleaning the kitchen table.

 

After that, he prepared lunches for the girls, tidied his own room a bit, and then set up his alarm and slept.

 

Ch 12.1 : Biology

 

Second day of the school was going pretty normal for Izaya. He spent his breaks at the library and during the lunch break, he came to the classroom ten minutes earlier because he got bored of getting weird looks from the students at the cafeteria. Maybe it was all in his head, but who knows…?

The classroom was empty, Izaya sat onto his desk by the window and started thinking about the dream he saw last night.  Sounds of students playing, joking, gossiping could be heard from the outside…

 _A yellow butterfly, then his mother’s voice… Izaya felt something warm and tender pour into his chest. Something like warm syrup. Everything was dark around him… What did she say to him?_ He forgot when he woke up.

 _‘’ I almost fell, mother. Just like you… I almost fell ‘’_  Izaya was vacantly staring outside, when an high-pitched voice cut into the atmosphere;

 

   -‘’ Hello Izaya-kun! What are you doing in the classroom all by yourself? ‘’ Kishtani Shinra almost jumped to the desk in front of Izaya and sat with a friendly smile on his face. Izaya recognized him from the day before;  
   -‘’ Nothing... just thinking. ‘’  
   -‘’ Ah… You’re the silent type, then? ‘’ Shinra asked. _And you’re the type that sees through people,_ Izaya thought. ;  
   -‘’ Yeah… you could say so ‘’ Izaya mumbled and his eyes turned to the window once again. _I just can’t remember what she said…_

A silence fell between them and the only considerable movement inside the classroom was Shinra’s swinging legs. Shinra, in that lengthy silence, observed how _away_ Izaya’s eyes looked. He wanted to reach beyond Izaya’s artificial attitude. And knowing what kind of a place he came from, made it easier for him to understand the withdrawn and weak look that Izaya had when no one was looking.

 _And boy… how unrestful was their shared hobby._ Shinra’s next sentence was so out-of-place, it sounded so slight, but it slit the silence like a dagger, even if Shinra didn’t meant to. He just didn’t know how to get into the topic;

    -‘’ How are your injuries, did they healed? ‘’

 

‘’ _Have your scars gotten better, Izaya? ‘’_ Izaya immediately turned his head and looked at Shinra with a petrified look in his face. And it is so amazing, dear reader, how a person can get this scared in a particle of a second. _Fight or flight mode; an instinctive reaction to a threat. Izaya’s deep fear of getting harmed again…_ Izaya gulped and his hands clenched themselves into a weak fist;

   -‘’ Wh-‘’  Something stuck in Izaya’s throat and restrained him from speaking.

 

 _Have your scars gotten better, Izaya?_ That was what his mother asked in his dream. The coincidence was frightening…

Seeing the colour drain itself from Izaya’s face, Shinra quickly grasped how wrong his approach was. He jolted upraight and lifted his own palms towards his chest; ‘’- I.. I am sorry I didn’t mean to startle you… I-um.. learned yesterday that my father treated you. His name is Kishtani Shingen… ‘’

 _Kishtani Shingen…_ Trying to remember the name –he knew it, he just couldn’t remember from where- , Izaya’s glance slided leftwards and he released the breath he’s been holding.

He then closed his eyes… _Oh.._ He remembered the name from Haruki’s note that he left _that night_. ‘’ _The number is on the back…’’_ And there was also a name; _Kishtani Shingen_.

Izaya opened his eyes, raised his right brow and asked;

   -‘’ So you are Kishtani Shinra? ‘’ Izaya eyed Shinra with a corner of an eye, and Shinra regained his beaming aura and smile;  
   -‘’ Yep. ‘’ On that, Izaya sighed. There were five minutes left until the class started;  
   -‘’ What do you want then, Shinra-kun? ‘’ Izaya leaned in towards his desk and put his hand under his chin to regain his composure and _act_.

 

Kishtani Shinra shakily adjusted his glasses and stratched his head; ‘’I… happened to hear about things… I mean, about your life before…’’ an hesitant laugh followed his unfinished sentence.

Izaya felt his teeth clench, but didn’t gave up his stance; ‘’ -So what? ‘’ he asked with a tone harsher than intended.

And that tone made Shinra flinch like a scared cat, but then he abruptly released all his muscles and bent his head in defeat; ‘’ -I just… wanted to say that you can talk to me if you ever need someone to talk to. Oh, and I heard that Shiki-san took you under his protection; He is a friend of my father- ‘’ Shinra beamed again and came closer to Izaya before continuing , then he whispered; ‘’ – _They have worked in corpse disposal job_ ‘’

 

 _What the f._  Izaya lost it there; he turned his head from Shinra and bursted a laugh. The person in front of him was just ridiculously nerve-wrecking. _Not that corpse disposal was a comical thing…_ On Izaya’s reaction Shinra pouted;

 

    -‘’ Neee- I am not joking you know- ‘’  
    -‘’ I know… ‘’ But Izaya needed some time to stop laughing at the absurdity of… well, everything.  
    -‘’ I know- ‘’ He said again, then breathed out the last laugh he had in his chest;

 

‘’ _So you want to be friends? ‘’_  Izaya summarized this bizarre scene in a question towards Shinra.

Shinra nodded; ‘’ Yes, that was what I was trying to ask... I am sorry about my eccentricity by the way…and, your secret is safe with me, I just didn’t know how to get into the conversation so… ‘’

   -‘’ Do you ever finish a sentence properly? ‘’ Izaya asked with a sarcastic tone.  
   -‘’ Ahaha, yes! ‘’

 

 _I wonder what would happen to him if he got high on C._ Izaya thought. Then outside the window, a bleached blond haired boy caught his attention, so he decided to question Shinra about him;

   -‘’ Ne, Shinra, what do you know about this Heiwajima guy? ‘’

 Shinra’s reply was as quick as his glance to the window;

   -‘’ Ah… so you heard about the rumours? Well.. I can say that… _all of them are true_. ‘’

 

Izaya’s eyebrow raised again; - ‘’ So he almost threw a guy from the window, punched a guy and the guy flew into air?’’  The class bell rang and the students started to fill in the classroom. Shinra nodded once again and a comically-sinister smile appeared on his face,

   -‘’ Do you want to see it? ‘’ Shinra hopped from the desk he was sitting on.  
   -‘’ Yes…’’ It was an unsure answer but not that he didn’t want to see it; he just didn’t now if he could trust Shinra.  
   -‘’ Okay then, I will take you to the backyard after school ‘’ Shinra said and turned to sit on his own desk.

 

 _After school…_ Izaya had to take his sisters from school but he could have five minutes… _Just five minutes…_

 

Ch 12.2 : Rumour

 

Five minutes after school and Izaya was going to experience the time of his life.

The last bell of the day rang and the students started to leave the classroom. Izaya picked up his backpack and looked at Shinra. Shinra mouthed a ‘’ _wait_ ‘’. Then they watched as Shizuo sat up, and unaware of his ridiculous stalkers, left the classroom.

After some time, Shinra signaled to move and Izaya followed him to the backyard of Raira Academy; where Shizuo was a subject of insult by a gang made of senior students. The so-called gang provoked Shizuo by calling him names, spitting in front of him, ruffling his hair and whatnot…

Izaya saw how tightly clenched the _yellow lion’s_ fists were, trembling slightly, like all the weight of the world was on them… Even from the back, he could see that Shizuo didn’t wanted to be a part of this whole violence.

But when a bat hit his head, it wasn’t Shizuo’s fault anymore.

_First Minute;_

At least fifteen students with bats and knives in their hands attacked Shizuo, causing Shizuo’s frontal lobe to temporarily close itself for any kind of thinking; any trace of ‘ _homo sapiens_ ’ or ‘ _the wise man_ ‘ was forcibly taken from him, at those red seconds, he only saw _blood, blood , blood._

_Kill, kill , kill, kill_

And Izaya saw it. He watched with his mouth open as a guy that Shizuo punched rose up into air and then hit onto the ground _hard._ Seeing the impact, the other gang members stopped abruptly and all of them took a step back. Even Izaya instinctively sent his hand towards the knife in his pocket. _‘’ Just in case ‘’ Shiki said this, back in their last meeting, while giving the knife to Izaya._

 

_Second Minute;_

When the gang members collected their lost confidence back and attacked once again, both Izaya’s and Shinra’s eyebrows furrowed at the carnivorous scene made by Shizuo.

Izaya felt this littlest urge to stop him, but the adrenaline filling up his fingertips was blocked by his -thanks to God-, still working brain. The violence in front of him continued, but Izaya dove into deep thoughts about the fake-blond boy that was _protecting himself_ viciously. A bat hit on Shizuo’s chest and it broke off right there. The guy holding it turned with shock in his face and ran away.

 

 

_Third Minute;_

_Shizuo Heiwajima is strong. But yes, he… he is only protecting himself. Because he didn’t started this war. The war started itself, probably when he was born._ Izaya needed more information to verify that last thing, but he felt it somewhere that the blond was dealing with this for a long, _long_ time.

 

_Shizuo Heiwajima is strong… But he is not hurting anyone with that strength. Not willingly._

_Shizuo Heiwajima is strong. But not like Alexei._

_Alexei hurts. But will Shizuo… ?_

Izaya felt his mouth curling into a half-smile.

 

_Fourth Minute ;_

Fourth minute and it was over. The blond was panting from all the effort that he wasted on those thugs. His shoulders were hunched, and his vision was still red. _Kill, kill, kill, kill_

 _And he heard a clapping_. It was a deep sound, it echoed in his brain and it took him some time to find it’s direction. Then he turned his head to see… R-

 

Red eyes, that were redder than his own vision, redder than the blood in his hands, redder than the red itself.  His brain recognized the boy grinning in front of him, but his trembling hands didn’t;

   -‘’ _What do you want, something from this_ ? ‘’ Shizuo didn’t even heard his own grimy words and grabbed something metal and  heavy to throw at the boy’s direction.

 

It didn’t matter if the boy sitting, and grinning calmly in front of him was half of his own weight. Shizuo’s brain did see, but didn’t recognize how frail the newcomer was looking in that baggy shirt. Shizuo’s brain saw, but didn’t realize the _pain_ lying deep within the red orbs. _So deep, so deep…_

 

Shinra, without losing his smile, took a step back as Izaya put out his knife and flipped it open.

‘’ _If you lift something that heavy, your speed will decrease… and guess what ‘’_ With simple Physics formula echoing in his brain, Izaya made an attack towards Shizuo’s direction.

 

 

_Fifth Minute;_

 

Fifth minute, and Shizuo felt something slashing his chest. He just felt the touch of it though, not the pain.

His vision turned back to normal.  

 

Never in his life, Shizuo Heiwajima was this baffled against someone… No one ever laid, yet alone _a knife_ , but a punch on him before.

Whatever that he was holding, was dropped abruptly. _The yellow lion_ just stared into a pair of red eyes that screamed;

‘’ _I am not scared of you, let’s play. ‘’_

 

Izaya childishly smiled and sensed that the edge in his own voice was going to be sharper than the knife in his hands;

   -‘’ I am not scared of you, Shi-zu-chan. Let’s play again sometime. ‘’

 

After that, Izaya waved at Shinra and mumbled a thank you. ‘’ I would like to stay and play more but I have to take my sisters from school. See you then, Shizu-chan, Shinra-kun. ‘’ Then he ran.

* * *

 

 

'' _I am not scared of you_ ‘’

 

_It didn’t matter how instinctively Shizuo denied it,_

_It was there he fell in love with Izaya._

_Even after Izaya broke his once stiff heart in a cold spring morning,_

_It was there he fell in love with Izaya._

 

_And for Izaya… you had to spell out the word ‘’love ‘’ for him. In five hundred languages, and he still would be drowning in the agony of his own existence._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? Lemme give you an end credits music;
> 
> Árstíðir- Someone Who Cares ( as my Shizaya theme song ahah...)


	13. Headache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it's yo girl Shannyn. So I wrote this chapter while my right eye was swollen due to an infection, so It might not be that good. But I really enjoyed writing the last part.  
> I will proof read this chapter when my eye is feeling less tired :')
> 
> Ojamashimasu : Something Japanese say, when they enter into a someone else's house.

Ch 13 : Three Attempts

 

Shizuo punched the wall next to the mirror ‘’ - _But he is a man for God’s sake! ‘’_. Some of the plaster crumbled onto the white tiles of the bathroom with the impact; too late to remind him of the oncoming cut from his allowance.

   -‘ _’ I think you should give it a go, brother ‘’_  
_-‘’_ Oh shi-‘’

 

Shizuo saw his brother Kasuka’s silhouette on the mirror, standing behind him like a ghost from an horror movie. On that, he abruptly turned and breathed out the curse word standing on the tip of his tongue. He then hunched over the sink. ‘’- Oh.. it’s you. Just don’t scare me like that. ‘’

 

   -‘’ You were talking about that ‘new boy’ aren’t you, brother? ‘’ Kasuka asked.  
   -‘’ If you’re a psychic or something, just tell me, Kasuka. I can take it. ‘’ _You wouldn’t be the first freak of this house, anyway._ Shizuo turned on the water and washed his face.  
   -‘’ So you were…‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah ‘’ Shizuo mumbled while drying his face with a towel.  
   -‘’ Did _he_ cut you? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah ‘’ _Always the psychic,_ Shizuo thought, and picked up his uniform from the floor to wear it.  
   -‘’ Why hesitate then, if he is _the one? ‘’_ Kasuka asked the thousand yen question like it was nothing.

 

And Shizuo had so many answers to that.

_Because I am a monster._

_I would hurt him._

_I don’t even know if he’s into that boy-boy thing._

_Hell… I don’t even know him._

Shizuo stopped halfway buttoning his shirt and gave a vague look towards his brother, ‘’- Don’t ask me hard questions, Kasuka. I just…- ‘’ The faint image of the newcomer’s eyes stood in front of his own eyes;

‘ _I am not scared of you, Shizu-chan.’_

 _‘’_ -He said that he wasn’t scared of me… and it was you know, just….’’

 

 _Beautiful._ That was the word that Shizuo couldn’t bring himself to say outloud.

Shizuo sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Kasuka came in front of the mirror to take his toothbrush;

   -‘’ I think you should talk to him ‘’ Kasuka put some toothpaste onto the brush.  
   -‘’ You think so? ‘’ Shizuo looked at himself in the mirror, _yet another school morning._

_Well… it wasn’t going to be easy talking to him; but Shizuo trusted in Kasuka’s advices._

* * *

 

 

First bell of the day already rang five minutes ago, and Izaya was one of the last students that came into the classroom.  He looked shabby and obviously didn’t had time to comb his rough hair.  Seeing the other’s disheveled look, Shizuo thought; ‘’ _He must have overslept ‘’._ Izaya saw him but didn’t say anything as he put his stuff on the desk.

 

Shizuo didn’t know, but Izaya’s last night wasn’t the most pleasant one to go through.

 After their little ‘encounter’, Izaya had difficulties to calm himself down. _And his thoughts._ Every piece of the metaphysical chess in his brain craved to be played with. Everything raced and he thought about thirteen different topics at the same time. His restlessness caused him to stay up till 3am, and it was then he decided to take just _one_ sleeping pill, which caused his lateness this morning.

 _Oh, also he had to clean the apartment a bit, and had to go for groceries and he needed to spend some time with his sisters. These; while trying to detox from R._   Izaya wanted to cry in frustration. He took his head in between his palms and slept on the desk until Aoyama-sensei came into the classroom.

 

The first class was Biology and Izaya loved Biology, but he just couldn’t focus today. He had a throbbing headache and his mind was busy with other things;

 _‘’- Some say that he got busted in an underground meeting, some say that he flew to Istanbul…’’_ This was Haruki’s reply when he asked him about Alexei last night. ‘’ _Istanbul, ha_ …’’ Izaya thought.

 

While Izaya was thinking about the person he got scars from, Shizuo’s eyes were on the _bruise..?,_ on the back of Izaya’s neck. Shizuo saw the tip of _it_ from the little gap made by Izaya’s at least two sizes bigger t-shirt, and couldn’t understand what it was.  But it looked longer than a bruise, and more pink…

Thoughtlessly, Shizuo’s fingers moved to open the gap a little more...

The tip of Shizuo’s middle and first fingers touched Izaya’s shirt and Izaya literally _winced_. And it wasn’t because he was ticklish or something, but at that second, he was thinking about Alexei and the overall timing was horrible;

 

 _‘’Do-not make a sound, alright? Look into my eyes and don’t make a sound.’’_ Izaya hid his instinctively squeezed fists, and put a calm look on his face when he turned to look at the blond sitting behind him. _But he was too late to hide the wince and the startled breath sound he made at that second_ - _which was going to stuck in Shizuo’s head that night_ -. Shizuo saw the red eyes that were questioningly looking at him, and quickly had to make up a lie;

   -‘’ A-um…-’’ Shizuo escaped his eyes from Izaya’s. ‘’ There was something on your t-shirt. ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh… Is it gone now? ‘’ _Calm down, he’s not here, calm down._  
   -‘’ Yea… probably was just a feather or something ‘’  
   -‘’ Thank you then ‘’ Izaya turned away.

 

 

   -‘’ _Izaya, Shizuo, pay attention to the class; I hear you talking ‘’_ Aoyama-sensei warned them both, but Izaya took the warning for himself and stood up. And _there_ , Shizuo lost the chance to see whatever that was on Izaya’s neck.

  
   -‘’ I apologise, Aoyama-sensei ‘’ Izaya directly looked at the sensei and apologised with a firm voice. Seeing him, one would think that he was raised in a military camp, not a _house_.

  
   -‘’ Okay, you can sit down. ‘’ Some of the true idiots of the class giggled.

 

Shizuo stayed silent and his eyebrows furrowed. ‘’ _What was that, did I scared him with a touch?’’_

* * *

 

Lunch break. Five minutes until the class started, and Shizuo was sitting alone in the classroom when Izaya and a loud Shinra walked into the classroom.

 

   -‘’ Neee- It will be fun Izaya-kun, please......’’  
   -‘’ I said I can’t stay after school ‘’ Izaya once again ignored Shizuo and Shizuo pretended to read the history book in front of him.  
   -‘’ You don’t really need to stay after school, for example, Shizuo is also a member of Biology club, but he never joins the activities. Please Izaya-kun, if we can’t find at least three people, the club will be shut down. ‘’ Hearing his name, Shizuo lifted his head up and saw Izaya’s quick glance over on him.  
   -‘’ Oh is that so… I don’t know Shinra, I will think about it. ‘’ Izaya then turned and put his head onto the desk and closed his eyes. _My head hurts._ The chirping of the birds outside, and Shinra’s chirping were getting on his nerves. He wanted to sleep. _I can do the shopping the next day after school with Mairu and Kururi…_

 

Shizuo looked down as the smell of mint chocolate filled all his senses. _A strong ray of sunshine was falling onto the other’s ceramic hands…_

The bell rang.

 

* * *

 

 **_The next day_ ** _…_

Izaya continued to ignore him and Shizuo continued to escape his eyes from him. Now, Find the problem in this equation;

The answer is; Izaya actually wanted to talk with him, he wanted to ask questions about _the lion’s_ inhuman strength, he even wanted to tease him a little,  but whenever he looked at Shizuo, Shizuo shifted his glance, or turned his head away from him. _‘I don’t have time for this’_ , Izaya finally thought and ignored Shizuo for the rest of the day.

And Shizuo didn’t know _how_ to get into the conversation. And just like that, classes ended for that day.

* * *

 

 

After school, Izaya picked up his sisters from their school, and just as he promised; he took them to a more crowded street of Ikebukuro. He bought them cotton candy, as he himself listened to the crowd’s conversations. The girls were surprised when they saw a tall black-man handing out brochures for a sushi place. Mairu picked up the man’s weird sentence structure and used it to make her sister laugh…

 

After school, Shizuo decided to walk around before going home, and _happened_ to be walking in the same street as Izaya and his sisters. He _definitely did not_ stalked Izaya. It was a _pure coincidence_ that he saw them at the pavement across the park he’s been walking around.

 

_Dear reader, if I write ‘’ Shizuo decided to follow Izaya ‘’, I am afraid Shizuo might come out of the computer and punch me so, no._

 

Shizuo recognized Izaya from his red top, and saw two little girls holding his hands. ‘’ _Sisters maybe?’’_ But then a fancy car stopped near them and a man wearing a white suit stepped out from the car. ‘’ _The fuck, Orihara?’’_  Shizuo’s brows furrowed as the man first, caressed the girl’s hair, then started talking with Izaya. Shizuo managed to select Izaya’s features, and from what he saw, the newcomer didn’t seemed to be in distress when talking to the yakuza-looking guy, instead, Shizuo saw him sincerely smiling a bit. Shizuo hid his face by standing near to a tree, and got suspicious looks from an old lady walking by.

After some talking, the man got into the backseat of the car and the driver drove away. Shizuo saw how over-appropriately Izaya bowed to the man; ‘’ _Probably not his father then.’’_ He thought.

 

Now, Shizuo was stupidly curious. _But why did he even cared?_ It was pointless, senseless, absurd, even.

‘’ _Curiosity killed the cat ‘’_ He thought as he walked back home.

Only if he acted accordingly to what he thought…

 

 

Ch 13.1 : A Clue

It was the ten minute break before the last lesson when Shizuo trapped Shinra at the hallway;

   -‘’ Do you know where that _skinny raven_ is? ‘’ Shizuo asked, only to be granted by Shinra’s puzzled face;  
   -‘’ You mean… Izaya-kun? ‘’ Shinra’s eyes sparkled ‘’ Why are y- ‘’  
   -‘’ The teacher asked for him. Do you know where he is? ‘’ Shizuo lied, even though Shinra was smart enough to know that a teacher wouldn’t ask _Shizuo_ to get a student.  
   -‘’ Ah… I think I saw him walking towards the library…’’  
   -‘’ ‘Kay thanks. ‘’

 

Walking to the library, Shizuo still didn’t know how to start a conversation with the skinny raven; ‘’ _Um.. I saw you with a yakuza-looking guy, are you alright? ‘’_ wouldn’t be the best starter, that’s for sure.

Shizuo entered to the quiet library, and his eyes spotted a raven haired boy, sitting in the corner and looking even more smaller when hunched over a book in his hands.  Shizuo too, took a random book from the shelf near him and walked towards the boy. Izaya saw him and lifted his head up.

 _-’' Um.._ may I sit here? ‘’ Shizuo knew he was going to stutter like a god-damn anime girl. Still, Izaya gave a gracious smile;  
_-‘’_ Of course, please. ‘’

Shizuo sat across him and an uncomfortable silence hung between them. Izaya continued to read the book in his hands and Shizuo pretended to read the book he just randomly selected.

 

‘ _’ I think you should give it a go, brother ‘’ ,_ Kasuka’s words were echoing in Shizuo’s brain.  Izaya glanced over him two times, and Shizuo catched the third one to use it as a starter;

    -‘’ What are you reading? ‘’ Shizuo abruptly asked, making Izaya feel like the blond sitting across him had very few conversational skills. Even a sentence as basic as ‘’What are you reading? ‘’ sounded like ‘’ Do you want a fight? ‘’ on the other’s mouth. As an answer, Izaya showed the cover of the book. ‘’ _Lady Windermere’s Fan by Oscar Wilde ‘’,_ Shizuo read.

 

 _-Shizuo wanted to curse himself for not listening to any of the literature lessons; ‘’_ Um… you like this genre or something ? ‘’

 

On the question, Izaya dropped his eyes onto the book, and slowly caressed the paperback like a child loving his new toy; ‘’ _–I don’t really like reading theater, but more like, I was intriqued by the author’s life._ ‘’ Izaya then looked at Shizuo and _smiled_.  Shizuo had difficulties believing that the boy kindly smiling across him was the same person that slashed his chest with a knife couple of days ago. It was just…

 

 _Beautiful._ That was the word that Shizuo couldn’t bring himself to think at that second.

   -‘’ I see.. ‘’ He mumbled, once again, escaping his eyes from the other’s dark-red ones.

Warm lightning of the library was bringing more contrast to both their faces.

 

Seeing the other’s weird and childlike embarrassment, Izaya felt something stir in his chest… something deep and…

_Beautiful._

It was so foreign to Izaya as it was to Shizuo.

* * *

 

Izaya sat up; ‘’- And the book you’re pretending to read is also very nice, Shizu-chan ‘’ , he gave a suggestive look to the blond and walked towards the exit.

Shizuo looked at the book in his hands; _‘’ Brave New World by Aldous Huxley‘’_

* * *

 

_The same day, at night, Heiwajima household;_

_‘’ Oscar Wilde ha..’’_  Shizuo thought about asking Kasuka regarding this author, then decided otherwise and typed the author’s name on the desktop computer in Kasuka’s room. He started reading a blog with the author’s biography;

 

‘’…He was a spokesman for the late 19th-century [Aesthetic](https://www.britannica.com/art/Aestheticism) movement in England, which advocated [art for art’s sake](https://www.britannica.com/topic/art-for-arts-sake), and he was the object of celebrated civil and criminal suits involving _homosexuality_ and ending in his _imprisonment_ (1895–97)…’’ 

 

 _‘’_ Criminal suits… inv… homosexuality… _Woah ‘’_ Shizuo thought.

 

Oh…,

 

 

Even Shizuo couldn’t miss this clue.

* * *

 

 

_The same day, at night, Izaya’s house;_

 

Izaya stirred the soup on the oven. He also made some rice, and decided to seperate a portion of it to Haruki. _He could go after the girls slept._ Then he thought about the occurence in the library as he turned off the oven and placed three plates onto the kitchen table;

   -‘’ Mairu, Kururi, turn off the TV and come to eat ‘’ He yelled to the living room.

 

Izaya was intrigued for the blonde’s next move, _only if he hadn’t had this awful headache._

* * *

 

It was 23:15 when Izaya finally finished his homework and started walking towards the familiar street. He clutched the reheated rice with his right hand and with his left, gave a finger to a guy who mistook him for a lesbian.

 

He knocked on Haruki’s door; ‘’- Come in!’’ an high-pitched voice yelled.

‘’ _–Ojamashimasu ‘’_ Izaya walked inside the superficially lighted room, and was greeted with Haruki’s naked torso and the cigarette between his fingers. ‘’- I brought you rice, put something on yourself and eat, Haruki’’ , Izaya cleaned the nightstand full of little bottles and needles, and put the rice on it. Haruki’s eyes grew larger with gratefulness, ‘’-Really? ‘’ he opened the little bento-box and saw still steaming rice.

   -‘’ Oh honey I love you’’ Haruki took the chopsticks that Izaya handed him. ‘’- _Itadakimasu!_ ‘’

While Haruki was eating and making appreciative noises, Izaya’s attention caught the needle scar on Haruki’s hand. ‘’-Did you ran out of veins in your arms? ‘’ He asked, and as an answer, got a nod from Haruki.

 

Izaya looked at the amount of needles he collected into a plastic bag. _How are you still alive…_

 

   -‘’ How’s your detox going? ‘’ With his mouth half full, Haruki asked.  
   -‘’ I am not particularly enjoying it. ‘’  
   -‘’ Headaches? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah…’’ Izaya answered and became aware of how his eyes weren’t irritated in this dimly lit room. _That’s why he is not getting an ampoule then… and probably he would spend the electricity money on drugs._

 

Haruki finished his rice and put the lunch-box and the chopsticks back on the nightstand. ‘’-So how’s school going?- ‘’ then added, ‘’ Is there anyone… you know ‘’ He smiled and winked at Izaya. Izaya stayed blank-faced;

   -‘’ What do you think? ‘’ He asked.  
   -‘’ I think, there is- ‘’ Haruki gave a little push to Izaya’s arm, ‘’ Right? , male, female? ‘’, Izaya smiled and turned his head sideways;  
   -‘’ I mean there is this guy but-‘’ Haruki jumped excitedly Izaya’s sentence;  
   -‘’ Oh thank God, it’s a guy. I was worried that you would come to me with an half-assed bitch, and baby I couldn’t take that.’’  
   -‘’ Stop being dramatic Haruki. I mean.. I am not even sure about it. ‘’  
   -‘’ About what? ‘’  
   -‘’ Letting someone in my life- ‘’ _How can I trust him?_ Izaya sighed ‘’ There isn’t anything going on and you’re making me talk like a thirty year old lady, Haruki ‘’

 

On that, a silence fell between them and Haruki offered Izaya a cigarette. They smoked a bit, then Haruki broke the silence;

   -‘’ So… how is he like? ‘’ Their eyes met and Izaya rolled his eyes;  
   -‘’ You just can’t contain yourself right? ‘’ A pause. ‘’ He is… really strong. But blank as an A4 paper honestly..’’ Haruki laughed at that last comparison.

 

After two more cigarettes, Izaya excused himself. ‘’- I have to go. Try to take it easy with needle-shit’’ _and try not to die._

Haruki mumbled an okay while sticking a needle on his already open wound. Izaya didn’t wanted to see the rest and went out.

 

 

Ch 13.2 : Pure Anger

 

_‘’…He thought that a wild animal had some kind of a ‘splendor’ of the soul…’’_

 

_’’Do-not make a sound, alright? Look into my eyes and don’t make a sound.’’ Izaya tried to escape the rope around his neck. He couldn’t breathe. ‘’ It hurts ‘’_

_‘’ It hurts, please… ‘’_

 

_‘’ Speak, Izaya. Answer me you useless fuck. Answer me! ‘’_

_‘’ I wish you were never born. ‘’_

 

_‘’ I want to end it all ‘’ Izaya screamed; ‘’ I want to end it all! ‘’_

_‘’ Izaya, look! Do you see the butterflies Izaya? Do you see them? ‘’_

_‘’ Stop, stop, stop, stop , stop ,stop , STOP!  ‘’_

Izaya jolted upraight on the bed. ‘’ _No, don’t.. ‘’_   He was shaking like a piece of paper stuck to a pillar on a windy day.

It took him some time and tears until he finally got rid of the unspeakable scenes repeating in his brain, and the terrible feeling in his chest. He was dripping in sweat and wanted to throw up.

 

On his way to the bathroom, he whimpered silently when a sharp pain in his head reminded him of his ongoing headache. He entered to the bathroom and fell on the tiles next to the closet, but realised that he lacked the strenght to vomit. So he sat there, sick, and feeling disgusting. ‘’ _This is not going to be a good day.’’_

A minute later someone pushed the door open; it was Kururi. She crouched near him as Izaya pulled himself together to at least sit more decently.

   -‘’ Are you okay nii-san? ‘’ She whispered and put her little hand onto her brother’s forehead.  
   -‘’ Yeah- ‘’ Izaya struggled so hard not to cry in pain, _his head hurt so much._ ‘’ Wake your sister up, I am okay ‘’ He managed to say, and smiled a little. ‘’ -Don’t be afraid. ‘’  
   -‘’ Okay. ‘’ Kururi said and put a little kiss on her brother’s forehead. She then left.

 

Izaya deliberately hit his head to the marble of the bathtub, then closed his eyes and breathed.

Couple of minutes later, he extended a hand towards tap of the bathtub and turned on the water. Then without standing up, he got rid of his clothes.

* * *

 

 

After a quick shower, he managed to prepare sandwiches and nesquik to his sisters. He didn’t ate anything as he was still nauseous, and escaped his eyes from the yellow bottle of pills standing on top of the fridge.

While the sisters were eating, Izaya put some lotion on his scars then put on his clothes. 

Before going out, he grabbed the jacket standing on the rack; It was the jacket that he wore last night while visiting Haruki.

* * *

 

 

 

_First class of the day;_

 

‘’ _Is that…cigarette?_ ‘’ Shizuo always had a sharp sense of smell, and he immediately sensed the smell of cigarettes in the blend of Izaya’s mint-chocolate _parfume_ or _lotion_ or _whatever_ … Shizuo also saw Izaya minutes ago on the hallway, when Izaya felt dizzy and stopped in front of a window. As the crowd of students walked past him, Shizuo saw the other’s clenched fist and sharp cheekbones, and his eyes were hidden by his raven hair. If they weren’t, Shizuo would see the tears threatening to fall from Izaya’s eyes.

 

_His head hurt and everything felt heavy, did a building collapsed on him? Izaya would wish so…_

 

Still, Shizuo stayed silent until the lunchbreak.

* * *

 

 

When the lunchbreak finally came, Izaya literally ran to the roof of the building, and was more than happy to find it unoccupied. He found a relatively sunlight-free corner, sat there, and took his head between his palms. _He never thought a withdrawal would be this painful._ Some tears wetted his shirt, but he quickly wiped them off when he heard the sound of the metal door of the roof opening. He looked up, but squinted his eyes because of the sun.

 

And then he saw the _other sun_ walking towards him; Heiwajima Shizuo came near him and looked at the boy sitting like a little insect. Izaya also looked at his face and asked ‘’-What do you want Shizu-chan? ‘’

 

Shizuo saw Izaya’s sickly white skin, and his bloodshot eyes, _how purple his under-eyes were…_

 _Shizuo’s brain filled itself with the images of Izaya flinching away from him, and the mysterious guy in the white suit._ Something similar to anger started to creep up on his skin; starting from his spine to his throat… but _it wasn’t anger._

 

   -‘’ What are you doing here? ‘’ Shizuo asked, and watched as Izaya raised his finger to the sun and grinned sickly;  
   -‘’ Photosynthesis ‘’ He sarcastically answered.

 

Another awkward silence similar to the one in the library threatened to settle itself between them, but Shizuo didn’t let it,  and directly asked the question spinning on his head;

 _-‘’_ Are you smoking? ‘’ _His own voice tasted like a straw paper when he didn’t know how to construct sentences._

 

On that, Izaya quickly realised that he was wearing the jacket from the last night, and smelled the faint smell of cigarettes on himself. But he didn’t gave up his stance;

   -‘’ I didn’t know you were against smoking, Shizu-chan. Besides, I am pretty sure it’s not your business ‘’

 

 _Well… apart from the sarcasm, Izaya was right; It wasn’t his business, but then, why did the next sentence pushed itself out of Shizuo’s mouth?_ ;

   -‘’ Yea but.. I mean.. _Why_ are you smoking? ‘’ _What is the reason of the tear stain on your shirt, Izaya?_

 

Izaya dropped his head and closed his eyes; _Please go away._ ‘’- Again, not your business ‘’ He sang.

 

Shizuo felt the familiar tension in his jaw, _Izaya was right_. But the words were out of his mouth the second he bursted them;

    -‘’ Look, flea, I saw you with a yakuza-looking guy the other day. I don’t know where did you come from, but those guys are no joke ‘’

 

_There, Shizuo pulled the trigger._

_‘’ Those guys are no joke? Are you telling me that? ‘’ Izaya was pissed off. Things were going out of hand on both sides._

Izaya abruptly lifted his head up, then stood up with a death glare on his red eyes, which were so sharp, so _hurt_ that Shizuo immediately understood the mistake he made at that second. _But once you shoot; you shoot. Izaya learned that from the hard way._

 

Shizuo tried to make it up; ‘’- I mean.. I- ‘’

And Izaya could have dealt with this more smoothly, in a more fun way, even. Only if he wasn’t having a god-damned withdrawal, or didn’t had this excruciating headache. _Izaya saw some dazzling red lights in front of his eyes._ He could have grinned sarcastically instead of trembling with p _ure anger;_ and instead of _yelling_ , he could have used his edgy voice;

 

   -‘’ Who the _fuck_ you think you are, Shizuo?- ‘’ _It sounded like a sour cream, his name, without that stupid suffix._

Izaya clutched Shizuo’s collar; ‘’ Tell me, you think you can interfere in people’s lives, just because you are fucking strong? ! ‘’

 

Now that sentence, Izaya should have yelled at Alexei, not Shizuo…

 

 _How is this the same guy that kindly smiled to him yesterday?_ Shizuo stayed silent and accepted everything Izaya said. _Because they were true_.  But his body acted on his own and his fists were squeezed, just a little.

But Izaya saw them; ‘’-What? Are you going to hit me? ‘’ Izaya drew closer to Shizuo’s face, and Shizuo turned his face away from him. ‘’ – _No ‘’_

 

Izaya was going to collapse if he continued on yelling, so he released Shizuo’s collar and whispered into his ear;

‘’- _Touch me, and I will kill you, Heiwajima Shizuo ‘’_

Shizuo went wide eyed on how genuine Izaya sounded. _He would._ He felt the reaper whispering his death sentence to him, and _he was sorry,_

 

_And scared. Once in his life, not from his strenght; From how fragile Izaya was._

_Izaya wasn’t fragile like a flower in winter,_

_Izaya was fragile like a suicide bomb._

_-‘’ I am sorry. ‘’_ Shizuo managed to speak when Izaya harshly pushed him to side and started walking towards the metal door.

And Izaya knew he was, and he himself felt this lump in his throat; _He could have managed this better…_ He got scared because Shizuo knew _something_ about his life, and he _could_ use it against him.

_He wouldn’t though… Those were all his paranoias._

Before leaving, Izaya turned his head to Shizuo, and gave him a look that could be counted as forgiveness.

 

Ch 13.3 : Privacy

 

Talking about that ‘incident’ to Shinra was _wrong._

Even though Izaya repeatedly told him that he wasn’t angry with Shizuo anymore, or that he forgave him; Shinra still made two of them sit on a bench under the sun, and he himself went to the vending machine to buy three of them a ‘’ _reconciliation drink ‘’, ‘’ –A drink that will confirm our friendship and will celebrate your joining to the Biology club! ‘’_ He said.

_‘’ – I didn’t say that I accep-‘’ But he was already gone._

 

So Izaya and Shizuo sat on the bench, with that awkward silence between them, and then Izaya spontaneously started giving off info about the various students that were on the school’s campus;

   -‘’ See that girl, I heard that her ex-boyfriend was in a gang, and that guy over there lost quite a money on illegal gambling… ‘’

 

Shizuo listened to him without saying anything, because he was so into whatever that he was talking about. _Sunshine hitting on Izaya’s profile was warm as he smiled in delight, and his red eyes appeared more copper. He looked better than yesterday._

 

Shizuo smelled the familiar fragrance on the other, and said the most absurd thing one could say;

   -‘’ You smell really nice ‘’

 

And Izaya stopped. If you tried hard, you could see the ‘’505 Bad Gateway ‘’ sign on his face, or you could use one mark to portray the bafflement on his face; ‘’ ? ‘’

 _-‘’_ What ? ‘’  
_-‘’_ Just tell me, is it a lotion or a parfume ? ‘’ _Shizuo felt like he could crawl into a hole of embarrassment. And he was digging it with his own words to be honest._

_What…_ ‘’ – It.. is a lotion ‘’ Izaya said the words like he was speaking in an another language.

 

   -‘’ Okay thanks ‘’ Shizuo turned his eyes to the grass on the ground, but Izaya was still looking at him;

  
   -‘’ Are you… hitting on me? ‘’

 

On the raven’s question, Shizuo felt a satirical cold rushing on every molecule in his body, despite the sun burning on top of them.  He closed his eyes and took his face in his hands as he mumbled;

   -‘’ Yes, flea, yes..’’

 

Izaya laughed when he saw the other’s beetroot-red face; ‘’ – You mean… like you want to go on a date or something? ‘’

 

Shizuo got even more smaller ‘’-Yeah.’’

He then felt the other’s featherlike hand on his shoulder and lowered his hands from his face.

When he looked at Izaya, Shizuo was greeted by the most _sincere_ smile that one could give…

No, that was a lie.

 

It was the most _beautiful one._

 

_‘’ Okay then.. ‘’ Izaya said and glanced over the crowd to make sure that no one was looking at them._

_And he put the smallest kiss on earth, onto the sun’s lips._

 

_-‘’ This is all I can promise… and I want my privacy, Shizu-chan ‘’_

 

Let’s not think about how hard Shinra fell onto the granite when he saw them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter didn't come off as fast-paced. And I would be so happy to hear your thoughts about the last part ehehe
> 
> Let your girl suggest you a song that will make you feel like you were a part of that scene; 
> 
> Yellow Days- Holding On


	14. The Ocean and The Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what to say about this chapter
> 
> Vocab; Sumimasen; Excuse me or apology in japanese. formal version  
> Hai,douzou; ''yes you can'' or ''please, go ahead''

Ch 14: Two More Steps

_‘’ I, Heiwajima Shizuo, take you, Orihara Izaya, to be no other than yourself. Loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not yet know, I will respect your integrity and have faith in your abiding love for me, through all our years, and in all that life may bring us.’’_

_‘’ and I, Orihara Izaya, take you, Heiwajima Shizuo, as my husband, with your faults and your strenghts, as I offer myself to you with my faults and my strenghts. I will help you when you need help, and turn to you when I need help, I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life. ‘’_

_-‘’ We went through a lot until we reached here, right? ‘’_

* * *

 

It has been two weeks since this ‘relationship’ started.

Shizuo didn’t know exactly what would people do in a relationship like this, and Izaya stayed silent.

Ah… Izaya stayed _silent_. About the man in the white suit, about how worn his eyes looked when Shizuo wasn’t looking, about the reason of his silence…

He only gave bits about his sisters, then stayed silent about the tears he shed at the rooftop.

Shizuo didn’t know how to ask, and he was scared to ask, because of the 'occurence' _that day_.

 

Izaya chose to stay silent about many things, but always had this lovable and warm smile on his lips whenever he talked to Shizuo. _A smile that Shizuo wasn’t sure if it was real, or was a mask._ Even after their bickerings, Izaya would laugh and say; _‘’Let’s go eat lunch, Shizu-chan ‘’_ or  _‘’ I will get something to drink, do you want something? ‘’  or ‘’ I am bored, show me around, Shizu-chan’’_

It has been two weeks, and Shizuo only understood that, when talking, he had to give Izaya an information, or an explanation, or a reason. You couldn’t come up and say _‘’ Are you smoking? ‘’_  or ‘ _’I saw you with a yakuza-looking guy the other day…’’_ You had to give the meaning behind your words; _the intention behind your words._

Shizuo was trying, and Izaya continued on acting…

* * *

 

 

It was lunchbreak when Shizuo found Izaya under a tree, reading a book, in an arguably more solitary part of the school garden. Shizuo walked and sat beside him, then extended a sandwich to the smaller one.

‘’- Thank you ‘’ Izaya gladly took the sandwich.

 

Birds were chirping their usual melodies, the students were laughing, fighting and gossiping, and the sun was sending her rays to the Earth. An ant was walking to somewhere unknown, and everything was calm.

 _Everything was calm around Izaya,_ Shizuo was calm around Izaya.

_But that wasn’t going to change the fact that, whenever Shizuo saw him alone, looking outside, Izaya looked like he was holding the entire ocean in his heart._

 

   -‘’ How are you? ‘’ Shizuo asked. And It was abrupt, his timing was not the most normal –considering they were together this whole day in the class- . But he asked.

On that, Izaya turned his head and looked at Shizuo’s expression.

Under that blank expression, and in those awkwardly escaping eyes, there was a word; _Care._ Heiwajima Shizuo cared, and Izaya _saw_ it. But…

   -‘’ Do I have a reason not to be good, Shizu-chan? If you’re still on that Chemistry quiz thing; I messed up a little but it will be fine. ‘’ Izaya answered with a cheerfulness that could easily be marked as _an act._

 

Ignoring the other’s sarcastic answer, Shizuo asked again; ‘’- _How are you, Izaya?_ ‘’, slower this time. He directly looked at Izaya’s eyes.

 

 And only for _less_ than a fraction of a second, Shizuo saw Izaya’s true eyes.

  _‘Why do you care about me, ‘ , ‘Why do you like me? ‘_

_‘ It hurts Shizu-chan. ‘_

_‘ It hurts so fucking much ‘_

Before he could observe further, Izaya took his eyes back, and opened a page from the book in his hands. Then he gave the book to Shizuo, and pointed out a paragraph for him to read;

_‘’ There is not much to be got anywhere in the world. It is filled with misery and pain; if a man escapes these, boredom lies in wait for him at every corner. Nay more; it is evil which generally has the upper hand, and folly that makes the most noise. Fate is cruel and mankind is pitiable.’’_

 

That was why the warm smile that Izaya wore, also made him the most distant human Shizuo ever seen.

 

* * *

 

 

Week three, and Shizuo finally gathered the courage to ask Izaya on a date.

They were walking to the gateway, with other students’ disdainful eyes on them, and Shizuo was trying his best not to lose his cool around Izaya. It was exhausting, but he felt this little pride for succeeding so.

   -‘’ Would you.. like to hang out after school? , Tomorrow, I mean…’’ Shizuo looked at Izaya while putting his hands in his pockets. Izaya turned his head to him;  
   -‘’ Okay. ‘’ _So easy_. He then added, ‘’ But only for an hour. I can’t leave my sisters alone. ‘’  
   -‘’ Don’t you have your mother to look after them? ‘’ Shizuo casually asked.

What Shizuo was expecting was; ‘’- _She works really late so… ‘’ or ‘’-She’s out of city for couple of days’’  or ‘’ She’s visiting a relative today… ‘’_ instead, he got this;

 

   -‘’ No. ‘’

Izaya didn’t escaped his eyes, didn’t lowered his voice as his lips parted and he simply said;  ‘ _’no._ ‘’

And it was just _so simple,_ so straight-out, so real, so mature that it made Shizuo hesitate to ask about his father.

Shizuo’s eyes locked to the little green capillary under Izaya’s left eye. _An aged sun was falling on his black hair in warm orange, and a silent moon was approaching…_

* * *

 

 

_Tomorrow, after school._

Izaya considered asking Shinra to take care of his sisters for an hour, but then _they weren’t that close, were they?_  And leaving them to Shiki was out of question since Kururi was scared of him, _and leaving them to a yakuza headquarter? No._ He could call Haruki, but he wasn’t in his best shape for the last couple of weeks…

So he picked them up from school, and when they were home, he got on his knees and said;

   -‘’ I have to meet with someone, just for an hour alright? I’ll bring you cupcakes when I come back. ‘’

 

 _‘’ – Okay’’_  the girls simply said as they got rid of their schoolbags.

Izaya once again thanked a random deity for giving him such good sisters…

* * *

 

 

Shizuo and Izaya met in front of a large statue and conversed while walking to a coffe-shop that Izaya saw the other day in NHK Channel;

   -‘’ You could bring your sisters too ‘’ Shizuo said as he watched the daylight caressing the other’s red eyes.  
   -‘’ Nah.. No one would want someone else on their _first date_ ‘’ Izaya tucked his tongue in between his teeth and grinned playfully.

Shizuo turned his face and a tittering laugh escaped within his deep voice.

* * *

 

 

Just like Izaya watched the other day, the coffee shop had terra-cotta walls outside, and the walls inside were black and had stars, calligraphies, and random drawings on them, all made with chalk. The smell of fresh coffee was filling both their lungs as they went to order;

 

_Brewed coffee, no sugar.  This was going to be Izaya’s order everytime they went to that coffee shop, or somewhere else._

_Vanilla hot chocolate, extra milk and sugar. And this was Shizuo’s order._

 

They sat down in the corner;

   -'' You like sweets? ‘’ Izaya asked.  
   -‘’ Yeah ‘’ The music on the background was pleasant, and the mellow smell of Izaya’s lotion, now mixed with coffee beans, was richer than the most expensive nectar. The chocolate between Shizuo’s fingers felt good, the vanilla felt good…  
   -‘’ You don’t look like someone that’d like sweets- ‘’ Izaya brought his cup to his lips, and before taking a sip, he closed his eyes and appreciated the smell, ‘’-But it’s cute ‘’

 

 

They talked a lot there, and Shizuo was amazed by how much of an encylopedia Izaya actually was. Their conversation that started with sweets, continued with books, sports, and everything that Shizuo didn’t knew or cared about, but found it fun to listen..

_And Izaya liked the dimple on Shizuo’s right cheek that showed itself whenever Shizuo smiled.._

 

_Shizuo would listen without taking his eyes off from the gestures and expressions Izaya was making while talking. For example, Izaya would raise his right hand and eyebrow while sarcastically criticizing something, and would point his finger on the table while explaining something wrong in god-knows-who’s theory._

 

_And he could talk about how much he hated seeing ‘’the eyes of a dead fish’’ , then he could explain why he preferred Schopenhauer’s philosophy over Hegel, for an hour. After that, he would remember the article he read about Iceland, and would continue talking about that. Sometimes Shizuo wouldn’t even understand a word, but he would listen to the ups and downs of Izaya’s voice, and the slight edge on it, the sarcastic remarks he would give in between sentences while rolling his eyes…_

 

Back in the coffee shop, Izaya took the white chalk that was standing on the table, -probably for customers to draw or write whatever they wanted onto the black wall-, he put one hand on his chin, and with other, he wrote with his neat kanji;

 

 _‘’ I like the dimple on Shizu-chan’s cheek when he smiles ^^’’_   He then smirked and held out the chalk to Shizuo.

Shizuo hesitantly took the chalk, and wrote;

 

 _‘’ I like the little green vein on your left under-eye,’’_ then added _, ‘’ and your smile ‘’_

After that, he let out a frustrated cough and looked away in an attempt to hide his awkward blush. 

 

Their first date ended like that.

* * *

 

After that day, they went out again and again and at one point, Shizuo met with Mairu and Kururi too.

 

In a period of a month, they developed a relationship that could be described as _calm_ and _harmonious._ They also fought couple of times, mostly because of Shizuo’s lack of interest in school, and Izaya’s _obsession_ with people’s personal information.

 

_One day, while Izaya was casually talking about a girl who rumoured to be pregnant –he would do that a lot, all of a sudden he would start giving details about people’s lives.- , Shizuo asked;_

_-‘’ Why do you know about these things? ‘’_

_Izaya looked at him with a grin dancing on his lips;_

_-‘’ Because information is power, Shizu-chan ‘’ Izaya ignored the metalic taste in his tongue when he uttered the words that were said to him once…_

_-‘’ But why do you need power? ‘’ Shizuo couldn’t understand. This was beyond ‘observing’ -like Izaya claimed it to be-, since the raven sometimes paid people to give him information…_

 

_On that, Izaya stayed silent, and turned his head away._

* * *

 

 Izaya also spoke to Shiki about this _relationship_ of his, once he and Shizuo got into a cycle. Shiki was going to learn anyways, and Izaya wanted to tell him himself.

And as Izaya expected, Shiki nodded and understood. _He somehow knew Izaya wouldn’t be with a girl._ _The boy was on the streets couple of months ago._ Still, he asked;

‘’ -So you’re positive that you don’t want women? I mean, just to be clear. I still respect your decisions.‘’

Izaya felt his cheeks got redder and looked down; ‘’ – I… just want to be _happy_ , Shiki-san ‘’ He mumbled.

‘’  - Will you tell him about the things you went through? ‘’ _Always so straight-out, Shiki-san…_

‘’ -  I…I can’t, Not yet. ‘’

 

_I can’t do that to him._

* * *

 

Ch 14. 1: _In health… and in sickness._

 

It was a nice day. A spring breeze was whiffling on half-sleeping students in the classroom, and the Sensei was talking about the Meiji Restoration when Aoyama-sensei knocked on the door, then extended his head into the classroom;

   -‘ _’ Sumimasen_ , sensei. May I take Izaya-kun out of class? ‘’ He asked in a low voice. Izaya, Shizuo and Shinra simultaneously straightened up on their desks and the history teacher looked at Izaya;  
   -‘’ _Hai, douzou_ ‘’

 

With that, Izaya sat up and walked to the door, and Shizuo, -along with Shinra- watched from the glass part of the door as Aoyama-sensei told Izaya something, and immediately, Izaya’s eyes grew larger. Shizuo’s eyebrows furrowed when Izaya gave a quick bow to the sensei and started running.

 

Seeing that scene, Shinra and Shizuo’s eyes connected and Shinra tilted his head towards the door as in ‘’ _We need to go too’’._  Shizuo raised an eyebrow and whispered; _‘’ How?’’_  On that, the other smiled wickedly and..;

 

‘’- _AH! ‘’_  Shinra cried out as he dramatically held his stomach. Both sensei’s, and the students’ attention abruptly turned to Shinra  _‘’- My stomach hurts so much! I think I might be dying from an incurable disease, sensei! , AH! ‘’_ He closed his eyes in distress;

The poor sensei mumbled something like ‘’ _O-kay.. go to the nurse’s office’’_ And Shinra grabbed Shizuo’s arm;

‘’- _I don’t think I can manage by myself, please escort me, Shizuo-kun’’_

Under the gaze of nineteen baffled students and a sensei, they got out of class and immediately started running to the exit.  No one had the time to ask why they took their backpacks –and Izaya’s- with them…

 

Shizuo yelled when he saw Izaya, ‘’-Izaya, wait! ‘’ Shinra was out of breath when they catched to him;

   -‘’ What happened? ‘’ Shizuo asked as he handed Izaya his backpack. Izaya had to breath for some time before answering;  
   -‘’ Teacher said that Kururi fainted at the class. I mean she had a slight fever this morning but-‘’ Izaya ran a hand through his hair and exhaled, ‘’-They took her to ….. hospital, and I am going there ‘’  
   -‘’ I know that hospital- ‘’ Shinra regained his breath and joined to the conversation ‘’–we have to get a taxi ‘’  
   -‘’ Alright, you have enough money? ‘’ Shizuo turned to Izaya and Izaya nodded.  
   -‘’ Let’s go then ‘’

 

Inside the taxi,  Shizuo couldn’t help but gaze at Izaya’s pale face and furrowed brows that were making him look like he was about to cry. Shizuo _would_ cry if his brother was sick, but _worry_ alone wasn’t Izaya’s whole expression was telling, and maybe with a ’brother instinct’, Shizuo understood;

   -‘’ It’s not your fault, Izaya- ‘’  
   -‘’ I know. ‘’ Izaya immediately answered like he was waiting for the blond’s sentence. But both of them knew he wasn’t believing in his own words. Shinra also tried to comfort him;  
  -‘’ If she has a weak immune system and build, she could faint from a fever. Let’s hope it’s nothing serious.’’

Izaya nodded. 

* * *

 

 

After they asked the on-duty nurse and learned the room Kururi was in, Izaya hastily climbed the stairs till they reached the third floor. Izaya then saw the girls’ teacher Chiaki-sensei, who was waiting by the door, and ran to her. Shizuo and Shinra stayed behind as she explained what happened. She then leaned in towards Izaya’s ear and whispered;

   -‘ _’ I also informed Shiki-san. He said he was currently out of city, but he will call you. I could stay with you but there is only one teacher left back in class…_ ‘’  
   -‘’ You don’t have to stay, Chiaki-sensei. I am sorry about the trouble we gave you…’’

First Izaya, then Shizuo and Shinra bowed to her and got into the room.

* * *

 

 

In the room, Izaya saw Kururi lying on the bed with a white mask on her face, and Mairu sitting on the chair next to her. But before he could reach for any of both, he had to listen to the nurse;

   -‘’ _The doctor examined her just a couple of minutes ago, and prescribed these- ‘’ She tore off a piece of paper from the folder in her hand, and gave the paper to Izaya. ‘’ We gave her today’s dosage, and you can take her home in couple of hours after her fever goes down. ‘’_  
_-‘’ I understand, thank you.’’_ Izaya bowed to the nurse and she left the room.

 

 

Izaya then crouched down beside the chair Mairu was sitting, and traveled his hand onto his sister’s forehead to see if she has fever too. But Mairu turned her face away and pouted, clearly sad about her sister;

   -‘’ I don’t have fever nii-san. I am strong. Look at Kururi- ‘’ A pause, ‘’ Will she… be okay? ‘’ She asked while lowering her face down. Shizuo watched as Izaya’s expression strained even more.

Izaya kissed the top of Mairu’s brow bone; ‘’- Yes, she will be alright ‘’ He then tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. Shinra sat onto one of the three extra chairs in the room, and Shizuo followed.

 

 

_‘’ I failed at taking care of them properly…’’_

_‘’ I failed.’’_

_‘’ I failed, ‘’_

_‘’ I can’t forgive myself for this…’’_

With these thoughts torturing his brain, Izaya stood near Kururi, and leaned towards the bed she was lying on. He put a hand onto his little sister’s slightly sweaty forehead. She still had fever. _Something was burning Izaya’s throat…_ ‘’- Hey, Kururi… ‘’ Her brother caressed Kururi’s hair with gentle motions, and smiled when she opened her eyes a little.

_Tenderness dripped from the curve of Izaya’s smile._

_-‘’ How do you feel? ‘’_ Izaya whispered.  
_-‘’ Onii-san? ‘’_ Kururi opened her eyes even more and looked at his brother.  
_-‘’ Yes, I am here Kururi. Your sister is here too. Do you feel pain anywhere? ‘’_

Kururi shook her head as in ‘’no’’. Then,

 _‘’- Will mother come? ‘’_  she asked, still half-coherent from the fever burning her little body.

 

Hearing Kururi’s simple question, barely restrained tears started falling to Izaya’s sharp cheeks as he held his breath. He felt a grim desperation surrounding him. _Shizuo saw his tears, and wanted to turn his head away because he felt like an intruder. But couldn’t._

 

His black hair made a curtain on his eyes as Izaya wiped some of his tears. ‘’ _-No, Kururi-‘’_ Shizuo saw Izaya’s white knuckles on the bed’s metal part when Izaya grabbed it in order to restrain himself from falling apart.    ‘’ _-No, she will not ‘’_ Izaya said, and his voice broke on the last word.

 

_The sycamore tree cried it’s leaves down as the wind echoed in the room._

‘’ _-She will not come back.’’_

 

They all heard _the wind_ and Shinra took his glasses off and looked down. Mairu stayed expressionless as she swayed her legs back-and-forth. _Shizuo wanted to destroy this painful canvas in front of him, it was so hard to watch._

 

_But he couldn’t._

_Heiwajima Shizuo never felt this lost for action in his entire life._

 

_-‘’ I want mother ‘’_ Kururi cried out.

_A bloodied arrow pierced through Izaya’s heart. Izaya felt the tingling pain on the tip of his fingers._

_Then the pain spreaded out to his arms, when she said one more time, quieter;_

 

_‘’ I want mother ‘’_

 

Izaya’s lips tightened, and a smallest noise of agony escaped from them as he closed his eyes.

_‘’ I don’t know where she is. ‘’_

_‘’ I am sorry, Kururi. ‘’_

_‘’ I am sorry, Mairu.’’_

_‘’ I am so sorry.’’_

 

Izaya knew he couldn’t hold himself much longer. That’s why he abruptly turned and started walking towards the door, ‘’-Shinra, would you look after them for a couple of minutes? ‘’ and he left the room without hearing Shinra’s ‘’Yes…’’ Leaving the room, Izaya’s eyes were so _hurt_ , so _sad_ , so _real_ that Shizuo felt this blank and unreasonable fear inside his chest and didn’t follow him.

 

 

Mairu was swaying her legs back and forth. _Back and forth, back and forth, mother will not come, Kururi will be okay._

_Back and forth, back and forth…_

Shinra looked at the girl while fixing his glasses ,‘’-Ne.. Mairu, right?-‘’ Mairu looked at Shinra, and Shinra smiled to her, ‘’-What happened to your mother?’’

 

Shizuo wanted to punch Shinra on the face as his question was highly inapproppriate, but he _would want_ to know the answer too.

 

   -‘’ _Butterflies took her ‘’_ Mairu replied and continued on swaying her legs back and forth.

 

Shinra gave a ‘’What? ‘’ look to Shizuo and the blond replied with the same. Then Shinra spoke in a low voice; ‘’-Go find Izaya, he wasn’t looking good. I can look after the girls. ‘’

   -‘’ Maybe he wouldn’t want me Shinra. He might want to be alone…’’ _This was what Shizuo would want. Because all his life he always escaped, always turned his head not to hurt anyone. Always wanted to be left alone._  
   -‘’ No one wants to be alone, Shizuo-kun. Go.’’

 

_Shinra was right in many deep ways._

And Shizuo took the other’s advice.

 

* * *

 

 

After some searching, Shizuo found Izaya at the terrace of the hospital. His back was turned to Shizuo and his shoulders were trembling. _Izaya was crying the ocean out._ He was gripping the metal railing,  his knuckles white, and the dry wind was tousling his raven hair as Shizuo drew closer to him, ‘’-Izaya…’’ Shizuo started a sentence, _But didn’t know what to say._

 

_He could end the world if Izaya wanted so, he had the purest and the most brute strenght._

_But could he… hold him to relieve his pain?_

_He wasn’t sure._

 

Izaya sniffed and didn’t look at him, ‘’-I.. will be back, just couple of minutes..-‘’ he mumbled with a broken voice.

Shizuo stood beside Izaya, and he too, put his hands onto the railing. ‘’- I will not ask anything. ‘’ He said with a voice deep and quiet as he looked at the clear blue sky in front of them.

On that, Izaya turned his face and looked at him; ‘’-Will you..not? ‘’ His eyes and lips were in a tinted shade of red, and his expression was like a child’s…

   -‘’ Yes, I will not ‘’ Then a sudden hesitation wrapped itself to the blond’s heart. _He wanted to hold Izaya,_

_‘What if I hurt him? ‘_

 

Shizuo hesitated, but Izaya wrapped his arms around Shizuo with so much heaviness on them that the blond had to take a step back from the force. Izaya held onto _his sun_ , he clenched his boney fingers to the back of his jacket, and put his head onto his shoulder. _And wept._ Shizuo felt the clench of Izaya’s ribcage when he sobbed. _The sun_ moved his arms to hug him back, _but they were painfully slow_.  ‘’ _What if I hurt him?, ‘’_

_‘’ What if I move harsh? ‘’_

_‘’ Don’t be harsh’’, ‘’ Don’t be harsh ‘’_ Shizuo concentrated, and with the littlest pressure he could manage, he hugged Izaya. His one hand on his black hair, the other on his waist.

 

   -‘’ I failed, Shizu-chan’’ Izaya mumbled in between tears.

 

 _Did he?_ Shizuo didn’t know.

_Shizuo always wanted to turn his head and don’t care, all his life, he escaped from interaction._

_But this time, he wanted to know more, because not knowing hurt, and it was so bizarre, because Shizuo never once felt that tingling pain that starts from one’s fingertips and spreads to one’s chest._

_Then again, sometimes you wouldn’t know. Instead, you would see the tear stain on his shirt, or you’d listen to the sobs, or you would feel the clench of the other’s fists on your jacket…_

_You are all by yourself, don’t you, Izaya?_

* * *

 

Ch 14.2 : Domestic

 

Couple of hours later, five of them were walking to Izaya’s house, since the doctor okayed them to leave. Kururi was on Shizuo’s lap with a little blanket on her, Mairu was at Izaya’s arms. And Shinra was in charge of their backpacks.

They arrived fifteen minutes later, and Shizuo was greeted by a place warm and tidy. Apart from the living room, the rooms were small but it was enough. To Shizuo, Izaya was unjust towards himself because everything about this place felt like _home._ _There wasn’t a reason for him to fail, they weren’t living in a slum, -like Shizuo initially expected owing to lack of facts about Izaya’s life- and it was safe to think that Izaya made this all by himself._ Still, there were points waiting to be connected, maybe just not now…

 

Izaya seperated the twin’s beds and Shizuo laid Kururi on her bed.

After the girls were settled, Izaya put his hand onto Shizuo’s arm, ‘’-Thank you. ‘’  _Izaya was grateful that_ _he had someone beside him helping._

 

   -‘’Let’s go inside. I will prepare some food, what’d you like?’’  
   -‘’ You can cook? ‘’  
   -‘’ How rude, Shizu-chan. Of course I can’’ Izaya grinned and stepped outside the room. The other followed.

 

They found Shinra lying on the couch and breathing heavily, five backpacks were all around him and his body was oddly bent.  ‘’ _-I think now my stomach actually hurts from carrying all that weight’’_ He gave a high-pitched groan.

Izaya looked at Shizuo; ‘’-What? ‘’

‘’ _He pretended to have a stomach ache to leave the class. A dramatic one, I am suprised it worked_ ‘’ Shizuo answered while gazing at Shinra.

 

Izaya laughed ‘’-Okay then what’d you want to eat, Shinra? I want to make it up all the trouble I gave you guys‘’

   -‘’ Ah... Anything is fine Izaya-kun’’  
   -‘’ Yeah ‘’ Shizuo agreed.

 

‘’- I am going to make curry rice then-‘’ Izaya said and started walking towards the kitchen ‘’-Make yourself at home ‘’ he added.

* * *

 

 

While Izaya was cooking, Shizuo walked towards the TV set to take the remote control. Then his attention caught the CD holder holding various albums in it. Shizuo selected Kazuki Tomokawa’s _Fault of Flowers_ album. Taking it out from the holder, he asked with a voice high enough for Izaya to hear;

   -‘’ You listen to Tomokawa Kazuki? ‘’ And Izaya replied from the kitchen;  
   -‘’ Yeah. You like him too? Most people find him old ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah I like his style ‘’ Shizuo said and turned on the TV.

* * *

 

 

They ate and Shinra babbled about the medicine Kururi was given. Casual conversations exchanged between three of them. At one point, Mairu walked inside the room, along with Kururi holding her hand. Izaya measured Kururi’s fever and was relieved to feel it gone down. ‘’- _You’re hungry right?’_ ’  He then went to kitchen to re-heat the dish he prepared.

 

    -‘’ _He is really strong, isn’t he? With all this burden on him. ‘’ Shinra said, looking after Izaya._  
_-'’ Yeah.._ ‘’ _Ikebukuro’s strongest man agreed without hesitation._

 

 

_His love had the galaxies beneath his feet, and always kept his head up._

_He was the deepest ocean,_

_and the strongest tide._

* * *

 

After some time, Shinra excused himself, since it was getting dark outside. Izaya escorted him to the door and thanked again. The eccentric one bowed and gleamed with his usual manner;

   -‘’ No problem Izaya-kun! You’re my friend. ‘’

 

_Izaya learned that day, it was good to have a friend._

Izaya returned the living room where Shizuo was watching TV. Izaya sat on his knees in front of him and put his hands onto the other’s legs.

   -‘’Ne- Shizu-chan. Can you stay this night? I mean, if Kururi’s fever goes high, I might need to take her to the hospital again- ‘’

 

_Izaya didn’t want to give any disturbances to Shiki. They talked on the phone while he was cooking and Izaya assured him that ‘’he was managing the situation alright’’. But he also didn’t want to risk Kururi’s health._

 

‘’- and you can copy my math homework when I am done with it, good deal ha? ‘’ Izaya grinned.

 

 _The spring already dawned on them, but Shizuo was still getting used to Izaya’s touch_. _For example, his hands were always cold, and they had no weight on them._

   -‘’ Okay, I can stay if you wa- wait what homework? ‘’ It then occured to Shizuo that he was still a student, and actually skipped out school today.  
   -‘’ The one that is due to tomorrow-‘’ Izaya ruffled Shizuo’s hair. ‘’-Stupid Shizu-chan ‘’ He laughed.

 

Izaya put Mairu and Kururi to bed and then Shizuo followed him to the kitchen where Izaya started doing the said math homework, and Shizuo ate a pudding.

Izaya turned the second page and leaned onto the calculator near him. ‘’-I hate this ‘’

   -‘’ What, the calculator? ‘’  
   -‘’ No, maths. Well not exactly maths but anything that wastes my time ‘’  
   -‘’ Why? ‘’

 

Without taking his eyes off from the problems, Izaya raised an eyebrow and started talking;

 

‘’-Well, think about this Shizu-chan; Our measurement of the life we live is defined by minutes, seconds, hours and all that. And when you run out of these minutes, seconds or hours, you die…’’

Shizuo listened with the plastic spoon of the pudding stuck in between his lips. ‘’Yeah’’ He gruntled.

‘’ -Then if you waste even one minute from someone’s life, you technically kill them, right? ‘’ Izaya looked at him.

Shizuo took the plastic spoon off, ‘’-You just hate maths don’t you? ‘’

 

   -‘’ Neeee- Shizu-chan don’t ruin my wonderful philosophy ‘’  
   -‘’ This ‘’philosophizing ‘’ thing or whatever, you do that a lot.. ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes, you don’t like it? ‘’ Izaya grinned at him while pressing the delete button of the calculator.

 

Shizuo stretched his arms and put them behind his head, ‘’ I don’t know.. maybe I am not used to it. Though somebody once came to me and started asking questions like ‘’ What is life? ‘’ , ‘’What are we doing ‘’ and all that… ‘’

   -‘’ and what did you said? ‘’ Izaya leaned in towards the desk.  
   -‘’ I didn’t. I beat the guy to death. ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh my god. ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah, but he came a week later and thanked me. He probably understood the value of his life when I beat him that much. ‘’ Shizuo grinned evilly.  
   -‘’ Shizu-chan _is scaary ‘’_ Izaya giggled and turned the book towards Shizuo ‘’ -Hai, I’m done.‘’  
   -‘’ Really? Wow ‘’

They watched TV after Shizuo finished copying down Izaya’s homework. Then Izaya went to the bathroom. When he came back, he was in his pajamas and was holding an extra pair in his hands;

   -‘’ There you go Shizu-chan ‘’ Izaya handed him the pajamas.  
   -‘’ Why do you have L size pajamas in your house? ‘’  
   -‘’ A house have guests, don’ t you know that?-‘’ Izaya hopped next to Shizuo. ‘’- And also, we can sleep together in my bed if you want. I bought a double bed recently, it’s comfy. ‘’

 

 _Wait what?_ Now it was Shizuo’s turn to give ‘’505 Bad Gateaway Sign ‘’. Izaya saw it and rolled his eyes;

   -‘’ Come on, it’s nothing that important. We’re just going to sleep-‘’ Then his eyes narrowed ‘’Or Shizu-chan is thinking about something else? ‘’ He smirked.  
   -‘’ No but- ‘’ Shizuo looked down. ‘’- Isn’t this going a little fast? ‘’

 

On that, Izaya turned off the TV and took Shizuo by the hand ‘’-Just come on’’  and dragged him to his bedroom.

 

 _I laid under numerous men, Shizu-chan. It wouldn’t bother me if we sleep together._ But he couldn’t tell him this…

 

 

And so, Shizuo sat onto Izaya’s bed, then Izaya left him alone and went to re-measure Kururi’s fever.

Shizuo changed into the pajamas Izaya gave him, and when Izaya didn’t come back, he started examining the book shelf near his bed.

 _Peter Kropotkin, J.P Sartre, ….  An introduction to cryptography by Hisashi Edo..._ _But why would you want to learn about that?_  Then his eyes catched a really worn, leather, bookish thing.

He took it and opened a random page,

 

_12/05/….. - Monday_

_It seems like I’m falling. I’m falling down and I feel like I’m choking in an endless pit. I’m waking up at 3.00 a.m. in the night; startled and afraid for no reason. Then also, I’m sleeping off the days… Even the most basic activities tire me. I know I need to be there for my sisters, but I feel like an empty shell. It’s so tiring and it hurts without hurting. A feeling with such cruelty.. Alexei is not calling anymore._

_I want to end it all…_

 

_This was Izaya’s diary._

 

Shizuo’s brows furrowed and he looked at the date; _It was before Izaya attended to Raira Academy._

 

_Who is Alexei? And most importantly…_

 

_Why did you wanted to end it all, Izaya?_

_Do you still feel the same?_  

A new kind of fear, a fear that Shizuo didn’t know existed, settled itself in his heart;

_The fear of losing._

_What happened to you, Izaya?_

 

_Shizuo Heiwajima was in love with Izaya Orihara, and this was a tragedy._

 

* * *

 

Ch 14.3 : Domestic pt.2

 

Izaya came into the room while rubbing his eyes. His head felt like twenty elephants were dancing inside it, and this day hit him like a truck.

‘’ _Oyasuminasai ‘’_  Izaya let his body fall onto the pale turquoise sheets, and next to Shizuo.

Hesitantly, Shizuo put his head to the second pillow beside Izaya. The words he read were still in front of his eyes; ‘’ _I want to end it all…’’ ._ Shizuo explored Izaya’s close lids, and the little mole he had right below his left cheekbone, the shadow of his hair on his delicate but tired undereyes…

 

Shizuo wasn’t aware of his hand when he put it on Izaya’s cheek. He definitely wasn’t aware of himself when his lips parted and he said;

 

‘’- _I love you, Izaya_ ‘’

 

_Izaya heard the sun’s whisper inside the cage of the moon he was enslaved in._

_But the chains around his throat were still so tight._

Izaya put his own hand onto Shizuo’s burning hot one standing on his cheekbone as he slowly opened his eyes. He didn’t let _the sun’s_ hand go, and leaned closer until he saw the dark spots inside the other’s amber eyes.

Izaya came closer, and Shizuo lost himself inside the other’s _real eyes._

Izaya’s real eyes were worn, and lacked the tiniest light in them. His eyes carried so much burden and were torn by shoreless ruptures. _The ocean was burning inside out, and Shizuo didn’t know how to stop it._

Time and place were lost, and Izaya kissed Shizuo.

 

‘’ _-Please don’t_ ‘’ The ocean whispered in between his kisses and tender waves.

 

‘’ _–Please don’t do this to yourself. ‘’_

 

The sun was in love with the ocean.

The ocean was burning, and the sun didn’t know how to stop it.

One day, the ocean smiled to the sun and said; ‘’-Please don’t do this to yourself, _don’t love me_ ‘’

Angry flames feasted on the ocean’s once blue surface, and the sun couldn’t do anything but to weep infinite tears made of gold.

And the deepest ocean drowned himself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of cried while writing the last part???????????????  
> anyways, lemme give you a song for you if you want your wounds to be opened again :');  
> Tash Sultana- Synergy


	15. The Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At first I really liked this chapter, then -???- Anyways;  
> Don't be fooled by 15/16 chapter sign you see on your screen, because after the 16th chapter, this series will continue with a second series. -I will reveal the name in the end notes- Because I still have SO mAny things that I left unanswered and the ''future'' parts you have read on the past chapters about Shizuo and Izaya will be in the next series. I have a trust on my storyline, and I will wait for your supports ^^ <3
> 
> Vocab;
> 
> 1.Anshinshite Kudasai : Something like '' Don't worry about it '' or in this context, ''please relax your heart ''  
> 2.Aishiteru: I love you.  
> 3\. Shoganai : One of the hardest words in japanese to translate, in my opinion ofc. It's like ''It can't be helped'' ''I can't do anything about it anymore so I am quitting '' It's like turning your back away in despair against a problem. *amazing dictionay I know.* 
> 
> So Shannyn out , I hope you like it.

Ch 15.0: _Appendix_

 

_Spring fell on them, then the summer was as warm as a quick morning kiss. Every day, the ocean and the sun came closer to each other. But the sun never again had the courage to tell the ocean how much he loved him. Two mere souls that happened to fall on earth, fell for each other, but they never felt each other completely._

_Then the winter was as cold as the ocean’s hands; It was the sun’s job to heat them everytime he felt their chilling wave. The sun was the long ray of orange-red light swimming on the surface of the ocean in winter._

_Seasons passed, and the ocean continued on feeding his obsessions, which he kept secret under the layers of red coals carved on his skin. It was blood-soaked revenge what the ocean saw; deep inside, his shores wailed for it in his darkest nightmares. It was a payback for his once sparkling blue waters. For his stolen being. For his broken mind._

_But the ocean had to find the moon first, who was hiding somewhere he just couldn’t reach yet._

_Seasons passed, and the sun tried everything to heat the ocean’s lonely heart. But he didn’t had the ocean’s dark charisma, or his playful shadows. The sun only had his infinite strenght that has been forging like an iron for million years, but somehow, unknowingly, the ocean made him feel like he was the weakest force in the nature, for he couldn’t help him._

 

_The sun tried to reach for the ocean, but the ocean pulled himself away._

_Shizuo tried to help, but Izaya stayed silent._

 

_A silent moon was coming, and neither of them had any idea…_

* * *

 

Ch 15: Nature

 

   -‘’ I will wear this dress, how is it Mayumi-chan?’’  
   -‘’ Ne- I have this catalogue, let’s look! ‘’  
   -‘’ How this’d go with green? ‘’

This was their final year at high-school, and the university entrance exams were getting closer. But apart from that, the dialogue above came from the girls in the classroom whom were in a ‘’ prom haste’’ to find dresses to wear at the prom night, which was rare in Japan, but the Raira Academy held it and it was also getting closer.

Nor Izaya, neither Shizuo or Shinra was going to take the entrance exams. However, Shiki have tried to talk Izaya out of his decision;

 

 _-‘’ Then what do you want to do? ‘’ Shiki finally gave up after a long argument._  
_-‘’ I...-’’ Izaya felt his throat going dry as he looked up to meet with Shiki’s eyes, ‘’-want to be an informant..’’_

_The young one’s hesitant voice echoed inside the grey walls, making the yakuza executive lean back in his chair with a controlled exhale. A long silence fell between them, and with his tightly furrowed brows, Shiki stared at the boy sitting across him. And he knew what he was trying to do. This boy in front of him was going to throw himself into flames once again, probably in the name of revenge. Shiki wasn’t sure if he could approve this or not._

_-‘’ Do you want to find Alexei? ‘’ Shiki asked. He knew Izaya has been trying to get information on Alexei, but no one knew anything about the Russian informant apart from the info. that he’s been to Istanbul and Russia, and was involved in some drug business recently._

_The boy’s eyes appeared redder as he opened his mouth to answer; ‘’ -No. I want to understand him.’’_

_Shiki wasn’t sure if he should let him._

_-‘’ Why? ‘’_  
_-‘’ Because humans are interesting, Shiki-san ‘’ A wide smile accompanied Izaya’s unsteady looking eyes. They were unsettling, but the older refused to pull his stare back;_  
_-‘’ Are you taking your medicine regularly? ‘’ Shiki broke the conversation and asked, his tone as normal as ever. He wasn’t a man that could be intimidated by an unstable mind, because every day, he did businesses with those minds._

 

_What happened was; after a year with unsuccessful attempts on getting information about Alexei, Izaya’s dreams became darker and darker. Izaya couldn’t let him go, he couldn’t move on with his life. Izaya was Alexei’s obsession, and Alexei became Izaya’s._

_At one point he couldn’t sleep because of the horrifying nightmares where Alexei tortured him. With his words, with his eyes, or hands. All the same. Izaya kept his muffled screams against his pillow as a secret. But then it started to affect his school life, and that was how Shiki learned about it. He immediately questioned Izaya, then took him to Shingen. And Shingen ‘’prescribed’’ Izaya some medication for him to relax and sleep. Shinra knew about it, and Izaya asked him to keep it a secret from Shizuo._

_It seemed to Shiki that the medication worked in fixing the boy’s sleep and overall mood, but not even the hardest drug could wipe out the black tar Izaya has been collecting in his heart. ‘’ I hear him, I feel him inside my bones, he makes me want to kill myself, Shiki-san ‘’ These were the words Izaya said when Shiki questioned him._

_This boy in front of him was going to throw himself into flames once again, and Shiki wasn’t sure what would happen if he tried to stop him._

 

_Izaya answered; ‘’-Yes, Shiki-san’’_

* * *

 

Izaya also had a conversation about his selected ‘profession’, with Shizuo;

 _-‘’ Informant? ‘’ Shizuo looked at him with a newly formed crease on his temple._  
_-‘’ Yes, I will sell information ‘’ All the boys in the class were playing football, except for them and Shinra, who slipped off to the classroom couple of minutes ago._  
_-‘’ To who? ‘’_  
_-‘’ To yakuza, to the police… To everyone interested, but most importantly, whoever I want.’’ Izaya was smiling with delight while talking. Shizuo loved seeing that, but not in this conversation._  
_-‘’ Jesus, Izaya. Why don’t you just be an academician or something, why illegal shit? ‘’_

 

_On that, Izaya stretched his arms , ‘’-Be-ca-use that’s what I want ‘’ He sang, then closed his eyes as he turned his face to the sun._

_‘’- I don’t know Izaya, I don’t see anything decent in that…’’ Shizuo was obviously not pleased with this idea.._

_But his lover always did what he wanted._

* * *

 

Now back to the present, Shizuo and Shinra came into the classroom and walked towards Izaya. Shizuo had his right arm on Shinra’s shoulder and he was grinning, and poor Shinra was struggling to walk with Shizuo’s weight on him.

   -‘’ Listen to that Izaya, a girl just asked Shinra if he would come to prom with him and do you know what this stupid glasses said- ‘’ Shizuo started laughing in between his sentence,  
   -‘’ What did he said? ‘’ Izaya looked at Shinra but Shinra’s face was down.  
   -‘’ He said, ‘’ I am sorry Sayuri-chan, but you have a head ‘’ Shizuo once again laughed and freed Shinra from his grasp.  
   -‘’ Oh my god.’’  
   -‘’ Yeah ‘’ The blond sat in front of Izaya and Izaya had a lovely view of Shizuo’s dimple. Then Shinra joined to the conversation;  
   -‘’ Ah! – ‘’ He united his hands on his heart and closed his eyes ‘’-But it’s true. The only woman I love-‘’  
   -‘’ Is Celty-san-‘’ Izaya and Shizuo harmonically cut him ‘’-Yeah we know that ‘’ Izaya added.

 

 

This was their final year at high-school, Shinra still loved Celty, Shizuo still beat the shit out of thugs and still had this _vandal_ hatred towards himself. _Vandal,_ because Izaya saw Shizuo’s strenght as a piece of art and tried to make Shizuo love himself, instead of _vandalising_ himself. He failed, though.

_Because they were in love to the point where they couldn’t help each other, in fear of hurting one another._

_‘’ What if I hurt him? ‘’._

_‘’ What if I say something that’d hurt him? ‘’._

_‘’ What if he hates me? ‘’_

_‘’ What if he hates me? ‘’_

This was their final year at high-school, and _Izaya_ was still lost in the darkness of his own mind.

This was their final year at high-school, and _Shizuo_ was still lost in the darkness of his own mind.

 

This was their final year at high-school, and _this_ was only the beginning of their tragedy called

  _love_.

 

* * *

 

Ch 15.1: Forgiven Sins

 

There were two days to the prom night when Izaya went to see Shiki on his call. He left his sisters home and walked to the Awakusu-Kai headquarters. Shiki greeted him at the door;

   -‘’ Welcome, Izaya. Come, I have something to show you ‘’ It was rare to see Shiki this delighted over something. Izaya followed him, they walked past his office and entered the room next to it.

 

   -‘’ This came from China two days ago- ‘’ The yakuza executive pointed out the black suit hanging on a hanger in the middle of the room.

 

Now that could be the fanciest –if not the most expensive- black suit Izaya have ever seen. Shiki closed the door and both men walked towards it;

    -‘’ –It’s from Li. ‘’ Shiki added. Hearing the name, Izaya’s eyes immediately turned to meet with Shiki’s.

 

 

‘’ – _This is his graduation gift for you. ‘’_

 

_Silence._ Izaya traveled two fingers on the suit’s ink-black detailing, then he felt the soft fabric of the water chesnut coloured shirt. An undissolved stack of emotions emerged onto the surface of Izaya’s heart, and hit him like a slow wave. ‘’-It’s… _beautiful. ‘’_ He whispered. _It’s from Li._

_Just how much I have walked?_

_Just how much I have suffered?_

_It was from Li, as a reminder of how strong Izaya actually was._

   -‘’ Try it on. I’ll leave you alone ‘’ Shiki said and left the room.

* * *

 

 

It fit perfect. Izaya was looking at the full-size mirror, when Shiki walked beside him ‘’ _-I think I did a good job while giving your sizes to Li ‘’_ He said and looked at Izaya’s silhouette in the mirror, then the boy himself. After that, he walked across the room and took a jet black jacket with white-brown furs on it’s hoodie. It felt warm, soft, and Izaya loved it the second he wore it.

   -‘’ And this is my gift. ‘’ Shiki said as he dressed him.

He then put his hand on the boy’s shoulder and gave it a good squeeze. ‘’- _Revenge_ or something else, just know that I am _here_ as long as I am alive. ‘’ Shiki said, and his one sentence worthed hundred. They looked at each other directly as Izaya gulped down his emotions. _Not now._

_Don’t cry._

Izaya took a step back to bow in respect, but Shiki catched him by the side of his arm and pulled him into a tight hug. ‘’-Leave the etiquette aside, Izaya.’’

Maybe with a little too much hesitation, Izaya’s fingers answered back to his foster father's embrace. But he couldn’t prevent his voice from cracking as he said, ‘’ Thank you, Shiki-san ‘’

‘’-Okay.. ‘’ Shiki gave one last pat on Izaya’s neck before they broke the hug.

 

Izaya hid his tears and looked down ‘’-Can I talk with Li-san too? ‘’ He asked.

   -‘’ You probably can, our lines are safe but his line might be tapped so you have to cut quick and don’t mention certain things.. ‘’  
   -‘’ Okay ‘’  
   -‘’ Let me see if I can get in touch with him then ‘’ With that, Shiki left for five minutes.

 

When he came back, Izaya was changed into his clothes and was sitting on one of the chairs in the room. Shiki gave the phone to Izaya;

   -‘’ There you go. ‘’ He then left the room once again to give the boy some privacy.

* * *

 

 

   -‘’ Li-san?.. ‘’ Izaya wasn’t sure how he was _supposed to sound._ _Strong?_ , _mature?,_ it had been so long…  
   -‘’ Nihao, Izaya. How are you? ‘’ _There was Li’s voice, greeting him like they’ve never lost contact for years now. Not so deep as Shiki’s voice, but calm and stable._  
_-‘’_ I- ‘’ Izaya started a sentence, but for a second didn’t knew how to continue ‘’..am fine. I wanted to thank you..’’ _Not now. Don’t cry. Izaya hated this about himself, he cried so easily._  
   -‘’ It’s nothing. Congratulations on your graduation. ‘’ _A silence that the other didn’t had strenght to fill in._ Li continued; ‘’- Listen, Izaya. I want to apologise. ‘’

Izaya’s eyebrows furrowed as a shaky tear fell onto his trousers. ‘’-What? ‘’

   -‘’ I couldn’t ask for you after I saw you at that ‘ _performance’._ I felt so revolted by myself because I _stained_ someone like you. I am so sorry. ‘’  
   -‘’ Wh- why would you say something like this, Li-san? I… I needed you at that time. I needed you so badly. ‘’ With the strong reminder of the old days, Izaya’s restriction spell on his tears broke.  
   -‘’ It seems like I always make you cry- ‘’ A weak and breathy laugh was heard from the other line in China. ‘’-But I could have given you money. Because _that_ was what you were actually in need of. But I gave in to my desires, and used you. ‘’  
   -‘’ You gave me a future. ‘’ The boy said after a silent sob.  
   -‘’ –and.. If I didn’t left you alone after that night, you wouldn’t fell into that _informant’s hands_. I heard about his doings, Izaya. And I am..I can’t say anything, apart from I am sorry. ‘’  
   -‘’ _Anshinshite kudasai_. I forgive you, Li-san. Please you too forgive yourself. ‘’  
   -‘’ I’ll try. I will see you then, when I am back at Japan ‘’  
   -‘’ Okay. I’ll be waiting. ‘’ Izaya’s voice was hoarse.

 

This was their last conversation until that _disastrous incident._

* * *

 

 

15.2 : Prom Night

 

_Prom night._

 

 ‘’ – How do I look? ‘’ Before going out to meet with Izaya, Shizuo asked this to Kasuka for the fifteenth time today. But this time, instead of saying ‘’ You look good, brother ‘’, Kasuka shut the door on the blond’s face.

 

* * *

 

 

‘’-How do I look, Mairu, Kururi? ‘’ Before leaving home, Izaya asked to his sisters whom were quite mesmerised;

   -‘’ You look like that prince from the anime we watched last night ‘’ Mairu exclaimed.  
   -‘’ Yes. ‘’ Kururi agreed. Both of them were smiling.  
   -‘’ I might come late, don’t past your sleep time alright? ‘’  
   -‘’ Okay nii-san ‘’

With that he left.

 

* * *

 

 

They met in front of an old church near the prom hall. Izaya was first to come, and he greeted Shizuo;

   -‘’ Shizu-chan! ‘’ He waved at him.

 

_And Shizuo saw him. Izaya looked even more slender in that tailored suit. His almost creme shirt was bringing his red eyes even more under violet night. Ikebukuro’s ghost wind was tousling both of their hair as Shizuo smiled at him;_

_-‘’_ You look be _-‘’_  
_-‘’_ Say _‘beautiful’_ and I punch you right here Shizu-chan ‘’  
   -‘’ Be-…… Bright. You look bright, brilliant.. I mean. ‘’  
   -‘’ I know I do- ‘’ Izaya laughed and stepped closer as he traveled his hand on Shizuo’s jacket. ‘’-Nice save. Is this your father’s jacket? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah how did you know? ‘’  
   -‘’ You look older, Shizu-chan ‘’ The blond laughed at the other’s teasing.

 

They started walking towards the hall.

   -‘’ Are the girls alone at home? ‘’ Shizuo asked.  
   -‘’ Yeah, but there are two armed men standing in front of the door. Shiki-san put them there just in case. ‘’  A yellow light from a streetlight fell on Izaya’s features.  
   -‘’ Wow. ‘’

 

_After a year with literal begging from Shizuo, Izaya finally revealed bits about Shiki. Shizuo now knew what he was doing, and that he wasn’t Izaya’s real father. Izaya’s reply was as cold as the antarctic when Shizuo asked him about his real father. ‘’-Don’t. Don’t ask about him. ‘’ _

* * *

 

 

They stepped into the hall, students were dancing under the seven-coloured lights; Girls with glitter on their hair, bare legs and arms. Freshly done nails... Izaya selected Azumi-chan from the colourful crowd. She was silently sitting at one of the tables with her baby blue dress.

Izaya gave his ruby-red backpack to Shizuo ‘’-I promised a girl for a dance, Shizu-chan. You wouldn’t be jealous would you? ‘’ He smirked at him.

Shizuo took the backpack. _It was heavy._ ‘’-I’m fine with it. But what is in this? ‘’ _and why did you brought a backpack?_

Izaya put his two fingers on his own lips ‘’-It’s something good. ‘’ He then walked towards Azumi-chan;

 

   -‘’ Are you ready? ‘’ Izaya asked as he extended a hand as in invitation to dance.  
   -‘’ Yes ‘’ The girl held his hand.

 

_Unlike other schools, Raira Academy had a tradition of playing the Viennese Waltz at the prom as a show of their ‘’Western side’’ ,  and students of every year would compete against each other at dance._

The valse started and Shizuo understood the reason why Izaya has been asking him to babysit Mairu and Kururi after school.

_With Azumi-chan’s featherlike position, and Izaya’s gallant shoulders, those two were the winners of this year’s waltz competition._

 

* * *

 

   -‘’ Thank you, Izaya-kun ‘’ Azumi whispered into Izaya’s ear.  
   -‘’ It was my pleasure Azumi-chan ‘’

 

 

After the waltz, Izaya ran back to Shizuo, and now he was ‘ _bright’. His eyes gleamed with pure joy._ _Shizuo’s eyes selected Izaya’s nicely shaped teeth under his wide smile._

   -‘’ Are you jealous now, Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya asked as he wiped the sweat on his forehead with a napkin.  
   -‘’ No. I.. I really suck at dancing, you wouldn’t dance with me even if I was a girl. ‘’ On that, Izaya bursted a laugh.  
   -‘’ What if _I_ was a girl? ‘’ He took his backpack from Shizuo.  
   -‘’ _I wouldn’t want you to be a girl_. But same thing, I’d suck. ‘’  
   -‘’ Okay, let’s go. ‘’  
   -‘’ W- wait where? ‘’

 

Izaya skipped past the mean girls that were gazing at him, ‘’-To see what I have in my backpack ‘’ He yelled.

* * *

 

 

They went out of the building and started walking. ‘’-Where are we going? ‘’ Shizuo asked. Izaya took the blond’s warm hand into his, but didn’t replied.

It was after they started climbing to a solitary hill when Shizuo understood.

-this is where the reader listens to Ludovico Einaudi-

 

 

 

There they were, two mere souls that happened to fall on earth, illuminated by the violet-black canvas of Ikebukuro’s night.

Izaya opened his backpack and first, took out a picnic rug. Shizuo helped him to lay it down onto the dark green grass.

   -‘’ You brought a picnic rug? ‘’  
   -‘’ I am not going to sit on the ground with this suit ‘’ Izaya simply replied.

 

 

They sat next to each other and Izaya took out a bottle of vodka and glasses that were wrapped in paper.

   -‘’ Is that.. vodka?- ‘’ Izaya gave the bottle to Shizuo to open it as Shizuo spoke ‘’-I am pretty sure the drinking age is twenty. ‘’  
   -‘’ Yep.. but thanks to our lord and savior _Haruya Shiki_ , we can get drunk tonight ‘’ Izaya grinned at Shizuo and took the now open bottle in his hands and poured some of the liquid to the glasses in front of him.

 

They did a shot first, then sipped on the second as they talked about various things. After a while, Shizuo took his jacket off and rolled his shirt sleeves as he laid down;

   -‘’ Getting hotter? ‘’ Izaya asked.  
   -‘’ Yeah ‘’

 

Izaya also joined him by laying down on _the sun’s_ chest, and they watched the moonless night as the spirits diffused in their veins to drunk them.

Shizuo put his hand on _the ocean’s_ forehead and raked his fingers through his hair. Izaya purred like a cat under _the sun’s_ warm hand.

   -‘’ Are you cold? ‘’ _The sun_ asked because he felt a chilling wave on _the ocean_ ’s face.  
   -‘’ No- ‘’ said _the ocean_ , then his shores lifted themselves to cover the night sky in front of _the sun_. ‘’-I’m only drunk ‘’ He smiled.

 

Heiwajima Shizuo looked at his love, now covering the dark scenery of the night with his features. _He couldn’t believe it._ He touched him, his lips, then caressed his cheek. _He couldn’t believe it._ Everything was going slowly and calm as an ancient ritual. Shizuo became aware of the other’s long eyelashes when the other closed his eyes to enjoy the warm hand on his face. _Stars dripped from his eyes, and galaxies stood up in front of his smile._

_Sabaism (n.); The worship of stars or of spirits in them, as practised in Ancient Mesotopamia._

 

First move came from _the host of the heaven,_ he leaned and kissed _the sun._

_Shizuo couldn’t believe it, how this diaphanous soul was his ‘only one’. He couldn’t believe the taste of the other. To antediluvian and back, back to where everything began,_

_Back to where everything began._

 

Shizuo kissed back, then moved onto his neck, he smelled the other’s familiarity…

Then he stopped when he felt the effect of the vodka. _He could hurt him if he couldn’t restrain his strenght._

_Just like he hurt everyone, starting from his childhood._

_He stopped when the vodka stung onto his memories._

_-‘’_ Ne- Izaya, ‘’  
   -‘’ Hm..? ‘’ Izaya looked inside the amber eyes of _the golden lion_.  
   -‘’ I think I am too drunk.. I mean for this ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah-‘’ Izaya smiled ‘’-me too ‘‘ and this time, that smile reached up to his eyes. _Shizuo couldn’t believe it._

_He couldn’t believe, among all those things, he fell in love with the deepest ocean._

_His love really was the deepest, because Shizuo was going to take the most painful journey inside his blue caves and red shackles._

_-‘’_ Sorry ‘’ _Sorry I can’t block my strenght._  
   -‘’ It’s not a problem but-‘’ Izaya kissed him one more time, then laid down next to him ‘’-look at me, I want to play with Shizu-chan’s hair. ‘’ So Shizuo turned his body to Izaya, and let Izaya put his head on his arm as he twirled and played with _the golden lion’s_ hair like a child playing with a dangerous animal. He enjoyed it so much.

Izaya _was_ going to tell him everything tonight, if Shizuo wanted to _take him._

But now, looking at him as close as one can get, looking at the relaxed expression on his face, journeying onto his closed lids, and touching his eyebrows; Izaya understood that he couldn’t do this to him, not tonight, _maybe forever_.

So deep inside, he was grateful that he didn’t had to do it tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

That last shot of vodka was a mistake, especially for Shizuo, as he was drunker than Izaya. Therefore, Izaya walked him home as Shizuo sang a ‘’wonderful’’ version of _Tsugaru Kaikyo Fuyu Geshiki_ ;

   -‘’ That song is really old Shizu-chan ‘’  
   -‘’ Yea, my father sings it a lot ‘’

_Father._

 

* * *

 

 

   -‘’Try to act sober Shizu-chaaan ‘’ Izaya whined and hit an elbow to Shizuo’s shoulder as he rang the bell of Heiwajima household.  
   -‘’ Mm, wha- ‘’ The door opened and Shizuo was _extremely_ disturbed by the yellow light coming from the hall. Thankfully, his father and then his brother came and covered half of it with their bodies.

 

This wasn’t the first time Izaya saw Kichirou Heiwajima – _Shizuo’s father_ -, as he was a guest of their house from time to time as ‘’ _The only friend that Shizuo ever managed to make._ ‘’ So he gave a slight bow;

   -‘’ I am sorry Heiwajima-san, I- I made your son drunk ‘’  
   -‘’ What- What who drunk- ‘’ Shizuo started, but Izaya cut him ‘’Shut up Shizu-chan ‘’ He hissed.

 

Thankfully, Kichirou was more surprised instead of angry, for it was one of the rarest times he saw his son this happy. –and not destroying the house on their heads-  And besides, this Orihara boy was good and he apologised so…

   -‘’ Help your brother, Kasuka ‘’ He said.  
   -‘’ Okay father ‘’ Kasuka took a step out and helped his brother to balance himself as he got rid of his shoes. Then Shizuo’s drunk brain said the only thing he wasn’t supposed to say;  
   -‘’ Ne- Kassukaa, you know I really l _ove_ this boy right there- ‘’ He pointed at Izaya, who was now drenching every colour from his face.

 

_Oh my god. Stupid Shizu-chan._

 

Izaya looked at Kichirou, and Kichirou looked at him. Izaya tried to save the situation as Kasuka took Shizuo away.

 

   -‘’ He means as ‘friends’ of course- ‘’  
   -‘’ You don’t say ‘’ _aishiteru_ ’’ to your friend would you? ‘’ Kichirou raised an eyebrow and Izaya instantly felt the rush of red on his face  
   -‘’ Gomennasaaai Heiwajima-san ‘’ He bowed one more time and ran.

 

 

He ran, and it was the most laughable thing, he also laughed as he stumbled and almost fell. He clutched his backpack and turned to the way of his own home as he quietly sang _Circus_ from _Kazuki Tomokawa._

 

Izaya walked. He walked past the fancy cars and neon lights. But transvestites and pimps didn’t catcalled him anymore, because _they knew_ _he was out of business_. Now he was just this high-schooler walking past the harlotry street to go home _. Like he was supposed to be in the first place._

But…

 

The familiar yellow of the streetlight was a home for couple of fireflies and butterflies that appear in the night.

 

 _‘’There have been however many eras_  
The one here this evening, in its prime  
There have been however many eras  
And in the winter, gales have blown’’

Izaya stopped singing. He pushed his face down as he walked past the streetlight, and stepped into the apartment building Haruki lives in.

 

He lifted his hand to knock the door, but the door opened and someone stepped out. Izaya saw a nasty needle scar on the unknown male’s neck and his eyebrows furrowed.

 

   -‘’ Haruki..? ‘’ Izaya was greeted by the heavy smell of _something he didn’t do tonight._ And he saw Haruki’s skeletal figure, lying on the bed and high as the sky. There were bruises accompanying to the many needle scars on his veins. Izaya walked to open the window. As he was opening, he saw a little plastic packet standing onto the drawer-  
   -‘’ Is that H? ‘’ Izaya almost yelled. He then took the packet and walked in front of Haruki’s eyes to ask again. ‘’ Haruki, is this H? ‘’ He swung the packet in his hands harshly.  
   -‘’ Y..Yes baby ‘’ Haruki wasn’t even aware of the boy until he screamed ‘’Is that H? ‘’ just before.

 

   -‘’ Haruki you know more than me- ‘’ ‘’No, look at me- ‘’’ Izaya regained the other’s attention by grabbing his chin, ‘’You know more than me that H is the _dead end_. You know it. ‘’

 

 

_You can’t escape from it._

Haruki simply replied, ‘’ - _Shouganai ‘’_  and turned his body away from Izaya.

 

And Izaya just stayed there as the night’s drunkness started leaving his body.

 

He left some money –probably not enough to buy drugs- on the drawer next to him, onto the rest of the money Haruki earned probably from the guy Izaya saw before.

   -‘’ Buy some food, Haruki ‘’

He then left.

 

* * *

 

 

15.3: _Bad news come fast._

 

_2 Months Later_

 

_‘’_ _I would like to make an experiment’’… ‘’Please, don’t ‘’_

_‘’ Just leave me ‘’ Izaya begged to the illusion of his nightmare ‘’Please leave me’’_

_‘’ Now, hold my arm that is holding your wrist…’’_

_‘’ No-‘’_

_The cigarette came closer, ‘’-No ‘’_

‘’- _No!_ ‘’ Izaya woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. Startled, he looked for it in his bed sheets for some time, then answered. It was Shiki.

   -‘’ Shiki-san? ‘’  
   -‘’ Izaya…’’

On the other line of the phone, Shiki gave an exhale;

‘’ _They found your friend Haruki- ‘’_

Izaya didn’t needed to hear the rest.

 

 

_‘’-He overdosed’’_

* * *

 

 

After Shiki ended the call, Izaya’s arm that was holding the phone lifelessly dropped onto mattress.

 ‘’- _Shouganai_ _ha_..? ‘’ He whispered to himself. ‘’ _Shouganai ha…? ‘’_  One more time, louder.

_God dammit._

He cried silently, for his stupid and pathetic friend.

He cried until his chest hurt from trying to not to make any noises, because he didn’t wanted to wake his sisters up.

_He wasn’t sure how many hours he sat there, his eyes and lips puffy, and his hair was a mess in front of his eyes. He missed Shizuo, he wanted to talk with him, but then what he was going to say?_

_‘’ I had a junkie friend from the times when I was a male prostitute and he went and fucking overdosed?’’ No._

His phone rang one more time, it was probaby  Shinra if he heard anything about it from his father, or Shizuo, maybe he had a hunch and called just for the sake of it.. Izaya's fingers automatically replied the call;

 

‘’- _Yes..? ‘’_  He sniffed once to regain the stability on his voice.

_‘’- Hello, Izaya. ‘’_

_It was ironic, how the birds were still chirping outside while Izaya was having an instant panic attack from the poisonous voice that greeted him from the other line._

‘’-Alexei… ‘’

_A silent moon fell._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--Avatarium - The January Sea plays as the screen turns dark--
> 
> So how was it? What was your favorite part about this chapter?  
> btw did you remembered Azumi-chan from the previous chapters?
> 
> Lemme reveal the name of the continuation series; It will be
> 
> ''You're the Deepest Ocean ''


	16. The Kids are on High Street

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um... so this is the chapter; I really loved it tbh.  
> A song for this chapter; Tash Sultana- Blackbird
> 
> notes;  
> The River Styx: The Styx river is a location in Greek mythology. Located in the Underworld, it is a river that serves as a barrier separating the world of the living from the world of the dead. In order to cross the River Styx and reach  
> Hades, a dead person must pay a fee to the ferryman, Charon.
> 
> Shinigami: (死神, "god of death" or "death spirit") are gods or supernatural spirits that invite humans toward death, and can be seen to be present or interpreted to be present in certain aspects of Japanese religion and culture. Shinigami have been described as monsters and helpers, creatures of darkness, and fallen angels.
> 
> Ohayou: Good morning in japanese.

Ch 16; Purple

 

Do you know that panic feeling, dear reader, when you’re sleeping and you hear a noise in the middle of the night; Immediately, your muscles would get stiff and you couldn’t think for a second as you hold your breath?

That was how Izaya was feeling right now.

_Realization of the fact that he wasn’t ready dawned on him like a purple moon._

‘’-Alexei’’ Izaya hissed to the phone as an attempt to release the breath he has been holding. From the moment he heard _the snake’s_ voice, his eyes were fixed to the wall in front of him, the nails on his free hand were busy wounding the skin on his leg. He wasn’t aware of them, though.

      -‘’ It has been a long time, isn’t it? ‘’ Alexei spoke.

      -‘’ Where are you? ‘’ Izaya’s voice was unintentionally higher. _He wasn’t ready. He thought he was, but his nauseating stomach and the goosebumps he was having were telling otherwise._

      -‘’ Somewhere you can’t reach yet-‘’ Alexei calmly replied, then added; ‘’-I wanted to call you to say that _I am deeply sorry for your loss_. ‘’ _A driblet of venom mixed to blood._

_No._

_How did you learned it?_

_I just got the news, how did you…?_

_No._

 

Izaya’s pupils grew larger as he stuttered ‘’-D..did you… ‘’ The sheer panic in his stomach blocked his voice from forming the sentence that was supposed to be; ‘’ _Did you do that to him? ‘’ Could he? Could he be the one that gave Haruki the overdose?_

_Izaya knew he could._

_Izaya knew he would._

_Dear demiurge, let him breathe._

_-‘’ No._ But I like to entertain the thought that you think I did. ‘’ _Because then I’d know what would happen to you… Venom and blood filled the crack in the pavement and strangled the flower once tried growing there._

Blood rushed into Izaya’s brain, ‘’-I will find you Alexei- ‘’ He growled, ‘’ I will find you, and I will kill you ‘’ and then a hiss of a breath followed.

The boy’s pained hiss echoed in the other line in Russia. _Alexei listened to the undertone of destruction in that hiss; A hiss that, even the violin of Pablo de Sarasate couldn’t give the sacred rupture in it’s nature, neither could Rachmaninoff’s piano._ He then shot a glance towards the woman sitting across him, listening to the torturous phone call from the speaker.

   -‘’ I am looking forward to it, Izaya- ‘’ Alexei started, Izaya tensed up, he realized he couldn’t breathe. _He started burning._ ‘’-Oh… by the way, _congratulations on your graduation_. ‘’

_The red lava of the mountain Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland poured into Izaya’s heart._

‘’-I will kill you Alexei ‘’ Izaya growled again, but then his voice trembled and he started breathing frantically, _the world started walking towards him, to suffocate him, to close his eyes and mouth as he screamed._

‘’- _I.. I.. will, I will_ ’’ Izaya cried, and Alexei listened. _The faint connection Izaya had with the world tore off._ ‘’-If you did anything..I will.. I will find you ‘’ Izaya wasn’t aware of his phone anymore as it slided from his fingers and dropped onto the mattress.

He took his head between his  hands and went on mumbling ‘’- _I will_.. ‘’

Alexei calmly listened to Izaya’s delirium, then turned his face to the woman as he ended the call; ‘’-What do you think, mother? ‘’ He asked.

‘’-Don’t hurt him, Alexei. Leave him. ‘’ The woman was shaken by the horror that her _own son_ caused just by a simple phone call. ‘’Leave him ‘’ She repeated, stronger.

Alexei stood up and walked towards the antique record player, and put the Yehudi Menuhin and Eula Beal’s recording of _Erbarme Dich._ ‘’-But mother, I never hurted _them._ _They choose to hurt themselves. ‘’_ He said as the violin started playing.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Erbarme dich, mein Gott,     Have mercy, my God

Um meiner Zähren willen!                             For the sake of my tears!

Schaue hier, Herz und Auge                         See here, before you

Weint vor dir bitterlich.                                 Heart and eyes weep bitterly

Erbarme dich, mein Gott.                              Have mercy, my God.

 

On his mother’s silence, Alexei turned his face to the portrait of his father on the wall.

* * *

 

 

_Help me,_

_Help me,_

_I’m falling,_

_It hurts._

It was that point in a panic attack where one _needed_ to scream until his throat bled. But Izaya wasn’t granted with that luxury, _never._

He punched his legs as his body collapsed on itself. He cried, silently. He breathed in and out and trembled like a wet cat in a cold morning.

_He suffered, silently._

It was after a powerful hit on his stomach that his muscles involuntarily released themselves, and he gained a slower breathing. He laid himself onto the bed. From his blurry vision that his tears were the cause of, he saw some blood inside his fingernails. He lifted his legs up in foetal position and saw the nailmarks just below his shorts.

 

He laid there, until he felt a familiar _numbness._ A numbness where one feels _static_ in the face of everything; Where one would fix his gaze to the wall, to the sheets on the bed or whatever he has near his deadened eyes.

_Izaya saw a yellow butterfly inside his room, and that was when his brain took itself into automatic pilot._

 

He got up like nothing happened, his face blank and his mind as silent as the undisturbed water of the river Styx. He went to kitchen to prepare breakfast.

His sisters didn’t have school today, so he prepared eggs with salami, he toasted some bread, and poured some orange juice. All these, he did like a machine, _everything was silent as the line between the world of the living and the world of the dead blurred._

He then went to wake his sisters up. He kissed their foreheads; ‘’- _Ohayou_ , the breakfast is ready.’’ He left them alone when they started waking up.

 

We are not sure how he managed to pass that day. _The time was lost_. His phone rang several times, but Izaya didn’t heard it; as he wasn’t hearing _anything much_.

_How Alexei knew about Haruki’s death? If he wasn’t… involved in it.._

_Everything was purple, purple of a graveyard in midnight._

He didn’t know how or when that midnight fell on Ikebukuro, and how he took his jacket and started running to Haruki’s house. _Because if Alexei wasn’t involved with it, that means;_

 

_I need to wake up._

_I need to wake up._

_This is not happening._

He saw a yellow butterfly following him, and he ran faster.

 

 

_He didn’t know why Haruki’s door was locked this time._

* * *

 

 

‘’-Haruki-‘’ Izaya knocked on the door. ‘’-Haruki’’ _No answer._

 _I need to wake up_.

He slumped in front of the door and hit his head to it; ‘’- _Haruki_ ’’

 

At the next door, two drags whom were preparing for their night shift heard a miserable crying. They then looked at each other in understanding…

They got out and saw this little insect-like boy that they saw months before. The boy was crying himself to unconsciousness at long gone Haruki’s door. One of the drags kneeled down beside the deranged boy, and put a hand on his shoulder.

Izaya felt the touch and looked at him. The other took something out from his pocket;

    -‘’ There, he left this ‘’ The drag spoke with a broken Japanese and put a cold object inside Izaya’s palm.

 

_It was the key of Haruki’s house._

That, was the moment when Izaya understood that he wasn’t, in fact, in a nightmare.

This was real.

 

_Alexei must have killed Haruki; directly or indirectly.._

 

 

_What will I offer to Charon, to reach Hades?_

_Izaya took the key, and stepped into the river Styx._

_Everything felt purple_ , Haruki’s room was illuminated by the purple light of the moon; _Purple of the silent graveyard._

Izaya was shaking as he turned the bedside lamp on ‘’- _Haruki_ ‘’ His lips were trembling and his breath continued on mumbling his name. His eyes were hurting from crying so much.

On the floor, he saw a red lipstick;

 _-‘’ Is that a lipstick? ‘’_  
_-‘’ Yes, I work in drag too. ‘’_

Izaya took it, and sat on the chair of the dusty vanity. He looked at his soiled reflection in the mirror, and put the lipstick on with inexperienced movements. Tears that were pouring from his eye sailed to the red on his lips.

 

_A lady offers herself to Shinigami. She puts on a red lipstick and asks;_

_Do these dead eyes belong to me?_

_Will these lips be sealed with blood?_

_Will you take my bones as your present, dear Shinigami?_

Izaya was looking at the mirror, and he saw a yellow butterfly flying towards him.

‘ _’-No’’_ , He breathed out; ‘’ - _Don’t come_ ‘’ But it flew closer.

‘’- _No!_ ‘’ Izaya rapidly got up, he started searching inside Haruki’s drawers.

What for?

For _something,_ namely, a drug. _Anything that could make it possible for him to offer himself to the Shinigami._

_Anything that Charon would accept as payment._

_Nobody said he couldn’t offer his bones._

He searched the drawers, his whole body shaking like an addict in withdrawal. But instead of _‘something’_ , he found an ID card, couple of letters, and a photograph.

 

 _Name: Ludwig Takehashi_  ‘’-His real name..’’  _Izaya mumbled to himself.._

 _Born in: Weimar/ Germany in 19…._ ‘’ -He died 25 years old…’’ _Couple of tears fell onto the worn ID card._

Izaya then looked at the photograph, there were two boys; one was obviously Haruki, the other… Izaya read the back of the photograph; _Ludwig und Karl, Weimar- 19…._

 

‘’- _This is his brother’’_

 

Looking up, Izaya saw butterflies, then another one came, then another, another, they started piling up in the room…

 

Izaya’s red eyes grew larger, he took the documents and ran out of the house, not even bothering to lock the door.

 

_Fireflies and butterflies were playing carelessly under the light of a familiar streetlight._

Izaya called Shizuo.

 

* * *

 

 

Heiwajima Shizuo woke up to the sound of his phone ringing; It was Izaya. ‘’ _Finally_ ’’ He thought. Izaya didn’t replied to any of his calls today. Still, his eyebrows furrowed when he saw the clock; _‘’23:59’’, such an ungodly hour._

 _‘’-_ Izaya? ‘’

‘’ -Sh- Shizu-chan? ‘’

_Rest of the night’s sleep was going to be taken away from Shizuo at that second when he heard Izaya’s sobs._

‘’-Izaya, are you crying? ‘’

No answer. Sounds were enough.

‘’-Izaya, what happened, tell me-‘’ The blond tried to lower his voice for the sake of not waking up the rest of the house ‘’-Tell me, where are you? ‘’

‘’-It’s..It’s nothing. I- I just needed to hear your voice.’’ Izaya took his head between his legs to escape himself from the blinding lights of the butterflies surrounding him.

By the time Izaya answered, Shizuo was already dressed ‘’-I am coming, just tell me where you are ‘’

   -‘’ No, you don’t have to. Please.. You have work in the morning, don’t you? ‘’  
   -‘’ Iz-‘’  
   -‘’ You don’t have to come-‘’ Izaya tried to gain some kind of stability in his voice ‘’-I am sorry’’  
   -‘’ Are you sure, Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo’s free hand was in a fist, possible scenarios were crossing his mind _but not even one of it was close to the truth._  
   -‘’Yes-‘’ Izaya sniffed ‘’Yes, see you tomorrow ‘’

 

_Izaya hung up, but Shizuo still heard Izaya’s sobs in his brain._

 

Ch 16.1: Revenge

 

_The next day._

 

Shizuo found Izaya sitting on a bench under a pergola, his boney hands were wrapped around his legs. Izaya saw him too, but neither of them had the energy or the mood to say ‘’Good morning… ‘’ or ‘’How are you? ‘’ , after that hellish night.

 

Shizuo sat beside him. Izaya looked like a _mess_ _._ It was the first time Shizuo saw his hair oily, and probably was the first time Izaya _only_ smelled of cigarettes. Izaya’s head was turned to him, but his eyes were tracing an ant on the ground. _He looked like someone else_ , was it because of the lack of the smell of mint-chocolate? _Was it because of the lack of red inside his eyes, like he gave it away?_

 

Izaya looked… _numb._ Painfully numb.

 

   -‘’ Do you have a cigarette? ‘’ Shizuo asked. On that, Izaya took out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. First, Shizuo then Izaya lit themselves a cigarette. Izaya dropped his legs to the ground and his spine hunched as he continued on watching the ant.

 ‘’-You look really bad ‘’ Shizuo said as he puffed out a draw of smoke. In turn, he expected a snarky comeback, a sarcasm, something like ‘ _’Thank you Shizu-chan, nice to see you too_ ‘’… Instead,

 

‘’-I didn’t slept. ‘’ Izaya mumbled with a silent voice.

 

His flat answer caused a silence, but then Izaya understood his mistake and turned his head to Shizuo.

   -‘’ How is the work going, when are you moving out? ‘’ Izaya asked.

 

_Shizuo finally had the chance to look inside Izaya’s eyes, as Izaya wasn’t hiding them._

_Izaya’s orbs were empty. The only thing that made them ‘tired’ were his undereyes._

 

_Empty._

_Izaya looked like someone else._

   -‘’ In couple of months, if I can keep the job this time. ‘’ Shizuo answered.  
   -‘’ Why are you trying out on restaurants, why don’t you be a bartender or a bodyguard? –‘’ Izaya inhaled the smoke, then held it inside his lungs before breathing it out slowly ‘’-You can _technically_ beat people in those jobs, if they get on your nerves ‘’  
   -‘’ I don’t _want_ to beat people ‘’  
   -‘’ I see… ‘’ Izaya mumbled, causing an another silence. _You will get stronger, once you stop being afraid of yourself, Shizu-chan…_

 

The silence stretched…

_You’re not going to tell me anything, right, Izaya?_

Izaya reached out for an another cigarette, but Shizuo stopped him and put his head on his shoulder. ‘’-Rest, Izaya’’ And Izaya let his head stick on _the golden lion’s_ shoulder and he slowly closed his eyes as he put his hand on Shizuo’s wrist.

 

It was a nice day, the birds were chirping, the air was fresh at this hour of the morning. Ikebukuro was relatively quiet, and peaceful. The sun wasn’t irritating… But somehow, everything felt a little distorted to Shizuo, a little dark. His love was slitting his atoms one-by-one, on his shoulder; there his love was a collapsing palace.

   -‘’ You’re not going to tell me, right? ‘’ Shizuo asked.  
   -‘’ I.. I can’t ‘’  
   -‘’ This can’t go like this, you know right? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes’’  
   -‘’ Okay.. alright.. good. ‘’ _You will heal once you stop pushing everyone away, Izaya._

 

 

Someday, maybe out of blue, Izaya was going to tell him everything.

Someday, out of blue, Izaya was going to drew his shores nearer to him.

Someday. And Shizuo decided to wait until he did.

 

 

Ch 16.2: Deterioration

 

The next day, Izaya went to Shiki. He put a folder and a flash disc on his desk.

   -‘’ This is the information you wanted from me, Shiki-san ‘’

The yakuza executive took the folder to his hands and looked at the boy standing in front of his desk.  Izaya’s head was up and he was directly looking at Shiki. Shiki saw no regrets, no fear inside the boy’s ruby red eyes; but he questioned whether or not he saw a soul either.

‘’-You didn’t needed to be in a hurry. ‘’ Shiki said, now examining the contents inside the folder. And he was impressed; Izaya’s work was… _neat._

 

    -‘’ I’m looking forward for my next work. ‘’ Izaya said, regaining Shiki’s attention on him back again.

 

Shiki sighed, then nodded slowly; ‘’Okay- ‘’ he said, ‘’If this is the path you want to follow... okay. ‘’

* * *

 

 

_Two days ago, at Haruki’s house, Izaya made a deal with the Shinigami; He gave his tears away, in exchange for revenge._

_Two days ago, at Haruki’s house, Izaya bribed Charon; He gave his soul away, to reach to Hades, and he asked the same thing from Hades; revenge._

_He fell to this world from heaven, his father nailed, and Li chained him here._

_Alexei yanked his chains and crushed his pearl wings under his feet._

_‘’ I must have done something- ‘’ Izaya thought, ‘’I must have done something to God, to deserve this. ‘’_

_That’s why he didn’t let the sun break the chains around his throat,_

_And he choose the dark._

Now soulless and tearless, Izaya worked. He worked without giving a break. Everytime Shiki asked him for an information, it was on his desk in two, sometimes three days. Izaya made new connections, met with new people, he got into trouble, _and he loved it._

Four months, this is all it took, and Izaya was now the ‘’ _Orihara of Ikebukuro ‘’_ the self-destructive prince of Ikebukuro’s darkest secrets. _And he loved it._

 

And Shizuo tried. Tried to understand what Izaya was trying to achieve. He tried to be there for him, told him repeatedly that he wasn’t going to ask anything unless Izaya wanted to tell. He told him that he will wait for him, he told him that he was there for him. But Izaya was such a _cunning, talented, diabolic_ thing that he managed to distance himself away from Shizuo, even when they were together talking, drinking, walking, _living_ ….

Just like Izaya ‘foresaw’, Shizuo was now working as a bartender. It paid well, and he moved out from his family’s house to a small apartment. Sometimes, mostly during the start of his shift, Shizuo would see Izaya walking across the street, with the hood of his black and fur jacket hiding his face, he would wriggle out from the crowd with swift steps, like he didn’t belonged there. _Like he belonged to somewhere else, somewhere closer to the sky, or somewhere deeper than the earth._

* * *

 

Shizuo was polishing the glasses on the counter, he did the daytime shift today and his work was almost done when his phone rang. He put the glass down onto the counter and answered the call. It was Shinra;

   -‘’ Yeah? ‘’  
   -‘’ You have to stop him Shizuo-kun! ‘’ Shinra exclaimed, Shizuo brought the phone away from his ear with the other’s squeaky voice.  
   -‘’ What, who? ‘’  
   -‘’ Izaya. He… He got himself stabbed-‘’  
   -‘’ What! ‘’ Shizuo yelled and gained the attention of his senpai. He then excused himself and got out of the bar ‘’-The fuck are you saying Shinra ‘’  
   -‘’ I mean it’s not that much of a ‘’ _stab_ ’’ but… it could be, he’s being reckless.. he got into a fight with a colour gang last night. I treated him since my father is gone but.. you have to stop him.’’  
   -‘’ Is he..’’ Something stuck into the blond’s throat, he swallowed it down ‘’Is he alright?’’  
   -‘’ Yeah, I may have over-exaggerated by saying ‘ _stabbed_ ’, he just has a slash on his left leg but I mean… I sent him home after I treated him. ‘’

Shizuo softened his grip on his phone and sat down onto a bench. He massaged his temple ‘’-Okay..okay, I will talk to him.. I’ll call you later ‘’ He managed to say and hung up.

He sat there, took deep breaths as he loosened up his bowtie. He then gained the stability to call Izaya;

   -‘’ Yes, Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya answered, he sounded edgy, sarcastic, _his normal self._  
   -‘’ We need to talk, Izaya ‘’ Shizuo’s voice on the other hand sounded like someone was taking the breath out of his lungs. That didn’t escaped from Izaya’s ears, his brows furrowed _‘’ I fucking hate you Shinra ‘’_ he thought to himself as he signed the papers in front of him.  
   -‘’ Look, I’m fine Shizu-chan, It was just a petty argument-‘’  
   -‘’ You got into a fight with a fucking gang.’’ Shizuo’s voice raised.  
   -‘’ But I won. Besides, I am in Shinjuku right now and we need to have this talk later, if you don’t mind ‘’  
   -‘’ Izaya don’t-‘’  
   -‘’ See you Shizu-chan ‘’

 

Izaya hung up, and Shizuo took his head between his hands then ran his hands through his hair.

His fingers clenched into an afflictive fist inside his bleached hair.

 

_What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? He is hurting himself, he will get himself killed, he is in pain._

_Izaya was in pain for a long, long time, and Shizuo has been forced to watch him suffer for a long, long time._

_But now it was time to stop._

Shizuo started walking towards Awakusu-kai headquarters.

* * *

 

 

Shiki Haruya lifted his head up from the documents standing on his desk and looked at his bodyguard;

     -‘’ Heiwajima Shizuo wants to see you, boss. He is at the door. ‘’

 _Now that was unusual._ ‘’-Let him in ‘’ Shiki said. The bodyguard bowed to him and left.

Shiki folded his hands on the desk and didn’t stood up when the young blond stepped in. Both knew about the other but they never met before, and Shizuo wasn’t sure how he should be acting in front of a yakuza executive. So he did what Izaya would do. He bowed  ‘’- _Heiwajima Shizuo to moushimasu-‘_ ’ He introduced himself and added ‘’ Thank you for accepting me’’

 

   -‘’ Yes, I know. Please sit ‘’ Shiki gestured towards the armchairs in front of his desk, and Shizuo sat down. ‘’-Your reputation runs among my men. Izaya also talked about you. ‘’ He added as he tried to sense any danger coming from the young man who is a point of strong fear and gossip in yakuza. He didn’t feel any danger, though. Just some frustration.  
   -‘’ I.. actually came to talk about Izaya- ‘’ Shizuo hesitantly started, failing to keep an eye contact with the older man. ‘’ He’s been acting weird lately and.. he doesn’t tell me anything. I mean he never did told me anything about his life, apart from you and his sisters but he started hurting himself-‘’ Shizuo struggled to get to the point. ‘’-I just heard that he got in a fight and injured himself, _and I heard it from his_ _friend_ , _not from him_.. ‘’  
   -‘’ Don’t you think there is a reason for him to not tell anything to you? ‘’ Shiki asked.  
   -‘’ He.. he wants privacy, a lot of privacy.. ‘’  
   -‘’ And do you think it is reasonable to inquire me about his.. _secrets?_ ‘’  
   -‘’ No-‘’ Shizuo lifted his head up and looked inside the executive’s eyes ‘’-but what good would privacy do if he gets himself killed in a gang fight one day? ‘’ He said. And Shiki saw the geniune _fear of losing_ inside the other’s eyes.

 

_To be honest, the first time Izaya informed Shiki about Shizuo, Shiki ordered a good background check on him, and when he got the reports, he was slightly concerned about the possibility that the blond could harm Izaya…_

_It was unusual for Shiki to be wrong. This young male seemed to have no idea about Izaya’s past, his scars, or his obsessions. Which would mean that he didn’t even laid a finger on Izaya. All these years.._

 

Shiki placed his hands on the arms of his seat ‘’-So you think you can cross his line to save him… ‘’

Shizuo felt like he was going to suffocate; ‘’-What happened to him, Shiki-san? ‘’ He asked, daring.

Shiki gave a small exhale. _‘’ You make all these men worry about you, and you still think you are by yourself in this world, Izaya.’’_ He thought to himself as he looked at the blond.

‘’-His friend died. Four months ago. This is all I will say. The rest, you have to learn from him, not me. ‘’ He said, not quite sure if he should be saying it in the first place.

Hearing the yakuza executive’s words, Shizuo’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. _Four months ago_. _He remembered Izaya’s phone call at night, then the next day under the pergola…_

* * *

 

 

Now outside of Awakusu-kai building, Shizuo called Izaya one more time;

   -‘’ Shizu-chan I told y-‘’   
   -‘’ I went to see Shiki‘’ Shizuo said, and a death silence immediately fell to the other line. _Izaya’s eyes grew larger.._  
   -‘’ You..-‘’ Izaya breathed, ‘’ You..did..what? ‘’ He tried to sound calm and took his time while uttering the words. _Calm down. Shiki-san wouldn’t say anything._

_He is not going to hate you. Calm down._

   -‘’ He only told me that your friend died, four months ago. ‘’

_On the other line, Izaya’s eyebrows furrowed and he closed his eyes…_

   -‘’ Why didn’ t you tell me anything, Izaya.. why don’t you ever tell me? ‘’ Shizuo asked, not wanting to wait through an another silence.

 _Izaya smacked his forehead then massaged his temple as he cleaned his throat;_ ‘’-Meet me in the top of this building in an hour….’’ He gave an address to the blond then hung up on his face.

* * *

 

Forty minutes later, Shizuo was at the top of the building, and he was greeted by Izaya’s furrowed eyebrows, his flaring nostrils, and the open switchblade in his hand that he was caressing it’s non-sharp side. A wind as piercing as his expression was tousling their hair as Shizuo walked towards him. ‘’-I am here, Izaya’’ But he stopped and left some distance when Izaya turned his head and looked at the marble floor.

 

‘’-I.. told you I wanted my privacy, Shizu-chan- ‘’ _Izaya was sitting on a plastic chair, his words were slow, and his chest fell and rose with deep breaths,_ ‘’-I told you, back when we were in high-school’’

 

A deja vu hit Shizuo when Izaya lifted his head up and looked at his eyes.

_Their first fight, back in Raira Academy’s roof, was happening all over again._

 

‘’- You’re hurting yourself, Izaya. ‘’ Shizuo barely managed to suppress the voice of the wind.

Izaya looked down once again, he stood up, and rubbed his eyes; ‘’- I..am not a broken doll, Shizuo. ‘’ _It sounded like a sour cream, his name, without that stupid suffix._ Izaya’s grip on the blade tightened and hearing his words, Shizuo’s own anger flared too;

‘’- Really, do you look at yourself in the mirror, do you ever weight yourself, Izaya? Tell me, when was the last time you ate, when was the last time you slept more than four hours? ‘’ Shizuo tried so hard to keep his voice in a _managable_ tone.

He was going to go on, but Izaya shouted; ‘’-Shut up ‘’ he then dropped the hand on his face off, and clenched his jaw.

‘’-Try me. ‘’ He said as he lifted his head and pointed his switchblade to Shizuo.

 

 _Silence._ Shizuo’s muscles abruptly released themselves. _The sun first looked at the ocean, then the ocean’s piercing cliff, then the ocean himself once again. He then started climbing to the cliff._

_Don’t do this to me Izaya._

_Don’t._ Shizuo walked towards the blade, and Izaya wanted to back off, but something sticked him to the ground. Shizuo and Izaya came face to face, and Shizuo gripped the switchblade, _but from it’s sharp side._

Shizuo felt the _slit_ as it cut his palm, and the blood immediately started to drip onto the white marble like red corals.

_The sun tightened his grip on the ocean’s cliff, ‘’-What are you doing? ‘’ the ocean asked as he tried to shake the sun from his cliff to stop him from falling down just like he did._

‘’-What are you doing? ‘’ Izaya’s eyes didn’t softened, his teeth still made that grinding sound, _blood continued on piling up on the floor._

 

_The sun looked at the ocean and caressed his waves._

Shizuo looked at Izaya as his other hand went on his cheek.

‘’- I don’t feel pain, Izaya-‘’ He tucked a lock of raven hair behind Izaya’s ear. Then his thumb rested on the hollow part of his cheekbone. ‘’-The only pain I feel is the pain that I know you’re suffering from. ‘’  He whispered, all the world’s weight on his amber eyes.

 

_The sun was in love with the ocean._

_The ocean was in pain, and the sun didn’t know how to stop it._

_One day, the ocean cried for the sun and said; ‘’-Please don’t do this to yourself, stop loving me ‘’_

Izaya lightly slapped Shizuo’s hand on his cheek away. Then slided his switchblade out from his palm with slow movements. _To not to wound him even more._

 

_With a strong tsunami, the ocean pushed the sun back to the earth’s green ground, then he annihilated his cliffs with a wail. Pieces of grey rock rained onto the ocean’s blue surface. ‘’-I don’t want to hurt you anymore… ‘’ The ocean whispered and let his body smash into the dark ground and be wrapped with seaweed and corals._

 

Shizuo’s injured hand dropped on his side and he felt the blood running down between his fingers.

‘’- I .. I think I need to be alone for some time. ‘’ Izaya said and started walking past him.

_What?_

 

_The sun lifted his rays up and ran towards the ocean who was drowning itself ‘’-No. Don’t do this to yourself ‘’ He yelled and ran, he didn’t care if his body hurted when his sunshine touched to the water; ‘’Don’t, please. ‘’_

 

Shizuo turned and looked at Izaya’shoulders, his mouth slightly open. He felt something burning inside his chest, then it traveled up to his eyes, but then he didn’t let it.

‘’- Why are you pushing me away, Izaya! ‘’ Shizuo shouted at him, and instantly, his throat boiled with regret. _Because Izaya’s shoulders stiffened with a wince._

_This was the first time he yelled at Izaya._

 

 _That incident in Raira’s roof happened all over again_ , except this time Izaya didn’t turned and gave a look of forgiveness to him.

He walked away.

Izaya walked away as he cut the flesh on his thumb not to cry; _because then the pact he did with the Shinigami would be over._

 

Ch 16.3: _The Kids are on High Street_

_‘’Izaya please call me back, I’m sorry ‘’ (3 days ago, unanswered)_

_‘’I know it was wrong to go to Shiki, please ‘’ (3 days ago, unanswered)_

_‘’ Don’t do this ‘’ (3 days ago, unanswered )_

_‘’ Please, why are you doing this to me ‘’ (2 days ago, unanswered)_

_‘’ Don’t hurt yourself at least, I heard you got in an another fight’’ (2 days ago, unanswered)_

_‘’ -Is your leg healing? ‘’_

_‘’-Yes it is healing, thank you. ‘’_

_‘’ Are you going to answer my call? ‘’ ( A day ago, unanswered)_

_‘’ Mairu said you were sick this morning, Kururi said you threw up. Are you alright? ‘’ (A day ago, unanswered)_

_‘’ Izaya, please’’ ( A day ago, unanswered)_

_‘’ I am so fucking sorry ‘’ ( 05:03, unanswered)_

_‘’ Please at least go outside, don’t lock yourself inside the house’’ (06:02, unanswered)_

_‘’ Izaya goddamit answer your phone ‘’ (18:10, unanswered)_

Izaya looked at the messages on his phone one more time.

 _‘’ Meet me under the pergola tomorrow ‘’_  He wrote, it was 03:01 at night.

 _‘’ Okay.. Okay I will ‘’_ Shizuo replied, it was 03:02 at night.

* * *

 

 

_Three hours later_

 

Ikebukuro’s wind was cruel at this cold spring morning.

Izaya was under the pergola, smoking a cigarette, a stray cat was sleeping beside his left shoe. He lifted his head up when he saw Shizuo.

And Shizuo looked at him, eyes full of worry.

_Shizuo saw the look on Izaya’s face, and he understood._

 

The cat blinked once when Shizuo walked and sat next to Izaya. He too, quietly lit up a cigarette.

   -‘’ Are you alright? I mean.. your stomach or your leg..’’ Shizuo asked. Izaya was looking at him, but the blond choose to fix his gaze to the sunrise.  
   -‘’ Yes..’’ Izaya said and watched as Shizuo brought the cigarette to his lips.

 

_Izaya was glad that he didn’t told him anything. Because it has been only five days. It took five days for  green and purple to settle under Shizuo’s eyes. It took five days for the ‘anger tremor’ to settle on his big hands once again. It took five days for his blond hair to dull._

_What would happen if Izaya showed him his scars, told him how he laid under Li, told him how Alexei forced his legs open…_

_Shizuo couldn’t take it, and Izaya knew it._

_There wasn’t a way to do that without hurting him._

 

_There wasn’t a way to do this without hurting either._

   -‘’ I am moving to Shinjuku, it’s for busin-‘’  
   -‘’ You’re breaking up with me ‘’ Shizuo mumbled with his deep voice, without breaking his gaze from the sunrise.

_There wasn’t a way to do this without hurting._

‘’-Yes- ‘’ Izaya said with a voice so little, ‘’-I am sorry’’

 

Shizuo breathed the cigarette in one more time, and Izaya watched how his brows hardened. _Orange released itself to the earth and joined the sunrise._ ‘’-No you’re not. ‘’ Shizuo said.

Then he dropped his head down, along with his wide shoulders. His lion-yellow hair made a curtain on his face as he spoke; ‘’- I didn’t know what to do with you. I tried to figure out, but-’’

 

_Shizuo was a mountain of a man, and Izaya made him look small._

Shizuo couldn’t finish his sentence and turned his head sideways.

Because that is what men like Shizuo would do when their big hearts were breaking.

 

A strong wind lifted the hair on Shizuo’s face, and Izaya saw the tears that he gave away to Shinigami, on Shizuo’s face. He then watched as one drop of it fell onto the cuff of his bartender suit.

Izaya’s fingers came closer to his face, to wipe them away. But Shizuo turned his face even further; ‘’-Please, don’t. ‘’

‘’-Okay..’’ Izaya drawed his fingers back. Shizuo threw the half smoked cigarette to the ground, and with tears stuck in between his eyelashes, he turned his face to Izaya. He looked at his love, to his beautiful lips, to his delicate skin and swallowed hard;

    -‘’ You cry at everything but you’re not crying now, Izaya’’

He then gave a sad smile as more tears fell from his amber eyes.

 

Izaya replied his smile with his own faint one; ‘’-You stole my tears, Shizu-chan’’

Shizuo’s lips tightened, _‘’-_ I love you, Izaya. Stop trying to be someone else. I love you. ‘’ he gave a one last shot.

 

But Izaya slowly stood up, he took two steps further, and stopped;‘’- I told you don’t do that to yourself ‘’

 

Shizuo closed his eyes. _Please stop. Don’t.. don’t leave._

 

   -‘’ I am going to Germany for one or two months ‘’ Izaya added.

   -‘’ What, you think I am going to call for you? ‘’ Shizuo gave a weak laugh.

 

And Izaya turned his face to him, he didn’t said anything, he just smiled and saw the dimple on Shizuo’s cheek strain with sadness.

Seeing him, Shizuo laughed again as he wiped some of his tears quickly with the back of his hand;

    -‘’ You really know me don’t you, Izaya? Goddamit.’’

 

Izaya then walked away, and Shizuo sat there with the sleeping stray cat, and watched him leave.

 

Kids are on High Street from Madrugada starts to play as Izaya’s silhouette fades into Ikebukuro’s sunrise, and Heiwajima Shizuo bursts into sobs.

 

* * *

 

 

_Orihara Izaya’s diary_

 

_05/…/…._

_I broke his heart._

_Tears streamed down from his cheeks. I would have rather him to slap me than to see those things fell on his trembling hands._

_But then he wouldn’t slap me, would he?_

_He would break his own fingers one by one, but he wouldn’t slap me._

_He will heal once he hates me; and I will try to make him hate me._

_I am going to Germany next week, Shiki-san gave me some contacts there to do business, at the same time, I will look for Haruki’s brother. Because Haruki deserves it. Then I plan to visit Istanbul and trace Alexei’s drug jobs so that I can reach him first before he reaches me._

_Shinra and Celty gladly accepted to take care of Mairu and Kururi and Shiki-san will also look after them; I spoke with the girls, they accepted. I have the world’s most wonderful sisters…_

* * *

 

The kids are on High Street  
The kids will not sleep tonight  
The kids got in a knife fight  
We trained them well  
They're gonna be alright

_Shizuo cried under the pergola for a long time. Then he saw Izaya’s lighter and a packet of cigarettes he left beside him. He took an another cigarette from the packet and lit it._

_That day Shizuo took up smoking._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried so much while writing this but then I re-read it and I didn't hmmmmmmmm...  
> So like I explained in the last chapter, this story will continue as ''You're the Deepest Ocean'' part 2 of ''House of the Rising Sun '' series. You can think it as a second book... I am waiting for your supports there too, thank you veeeryyy much *cookies and kisses bcz I know you're crying, sorry*
> 
> Let me give credits to Madrugada, because I used the song lyrics in the last part.


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